What is the difference between a cyclist and a psychiatrist?

A cyclist takes a ride on a bicycle held together by a bunch of nuts.  A psychiatrist holds a bunch of nuts together and takes them for a ride.


A psychopath thinks that 2+2 = 5, and couldn't care less.

A neurotic knows that 2+2= 4, and worries about it day and night.


The neurotic builds castles in the air.
The psychotic lives in them.
The psychiatrist charges the rent.


Prescription?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to

the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked," Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds

of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex." 

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. 

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." 

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" 

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." 

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" 

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." 

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." 

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"


The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

 

The Bipolar Ideal


What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"

While a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."      

The little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommie ate it!"
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"


Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women?

Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.


What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?

In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."


A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."


A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.

Her husband asked her, "How it went?"

She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."


When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. 

"I'm not aware of your problem." the doctor said.

"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient.

"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

 

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