|What is the difference
between a cyclist and a psychiatrist?
A cyclist takes a ride on a bicycle
held together by a bunch of nuts. A psychiatrist holds a bunch of
nuts together and takes them for a ride.
thinks that 2+2 = 5, and couldn't care less.
A neurotic knows that 2+2= 4, and
worries about it day and night.
The neurotic builds castles in the
The psychotic lives in them.
The psychiatrist charges the rent.
nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to
buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked," Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds
of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A man goes to a
Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking
The Psychologist says,
"Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What
is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture
upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on
a bed making love."
The Psychologist says,
"very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a
The man looks and turns it
in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed
The Psychologists tries
again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a
The patient again turns it
in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making
The Psychologist states,
"Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the
mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which
defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the
Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand,"
said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the
Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the
The Bipolar Ideal
What is the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do
you say that?"
psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
The little boy kept telling
his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected
at his house.
Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements
of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made
no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were
expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommie ate it!"
One out of
every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
friends. If they're OK, then it's you.
Psychiatrist to his
nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already
when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must
help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice
guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so
I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the
psychologists were permitted to ski for free.
Her husband asked
her, "How it went?"
She replied, "Fine,
but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
When the new
patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began
his therapy session.
"I'm not aware
of your problem." the doctor said.
you should start at the very beginning."
replied the patient.
beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."