Joe has been seeing
a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had
monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good
night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it.
So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something
different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the
supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic,
and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much
better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured
me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one
session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
How do you tell the difference between the
staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one
minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
Patient: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal
morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1
sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied,
"Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired
of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my
friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor
looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down
from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
The aspiring psychiatrists
were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to
establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the
opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy.
I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage !
What do Psychologists say to each other
when they meet?"
"You're fine, how am I? "
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Three patients at a
psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that
they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two plus two?
A: Blue.
At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient
back to his room.
Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To
which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called
in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he
asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very
confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you
figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals
ten."
A man is strolling past the mental
hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is
late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about
within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do
you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick
into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures
himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is
August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at
night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his
wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
My therapist told me the way to achieve
true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate
cake.
I feel better already.
A group of psychiatrists were attending
a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out
together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to
us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to
when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take
some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill
my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find
ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can
buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often
get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to,
but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
Did you hear about the auto mechanic
who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the
couch?
Two psychiatrists were walking
down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
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