Barb's April Journal - coping with Michael

April 2, 2005
After thinking about things. LOL...the rational side of me being able to once again take hold. I sat here and thought, I can do this journal after all.
I have spoke with Michael. He does know that I have hit a point where I feel like giving up. He does know that I feel like he has no regard for what I am feeling. I told him he was inconsiderate, a fake.
I'm not sure I really meant those words. When I said them I know I did. Pain can cause you to say things that would never come from your mouth. It's a very powerful emotion.
As I said, I am not certain I actually meant what I said. I do think he is at times inconsiderate, I also think it's part of his disorder. I try and overcome that. I try and not feel hurt by it. It's not easy for me.
I have always been told I have a huge heart. I don't know about that but I know I have tender heart. It's something I try hard not to show. It's something I fail at also. People seem to always see what I don't want them too.
I am not sure where things will go with Michael and I now. We are talking again. That is at least a start. I'm sure my words hurt him as much as I was hurt. Maybe that's why I said them. Maybe I felt that he deserved a taste of what I was feeling.
I know Michael hurts. I know he feels shame and guilt about things we have gone through. I don't want him to feel more. But I do need to know he also hurts. He also feels pain. He cries and thanks God for me. Just those things are reassurance. I don't feel forgot when I know he also thinks and feels that. I don't wonder and doubt.
He has to open up to me more. Even if he thinks he shouldn't because of hurting me. If he doesn't, we will fail. When he doesn't is when I feel detached from his life. I hate that feeling so much. Just saying the words makes me want to cry.
If Michael and I are going to work through this. He has to start to try and understand what I feel also. He has to not only put effort into getting himself better, but effort on me and "us". If he feels he can't do these things, then this journal will be about letting him go. About walking away from the man I love.
I can only pray he sees and understands this and that he tells me he wants to make us work.
April 4, 2005
Michael and I are still talking, sort of. Things seem a little strained to me. Because I think its I am afraid to open up now. I am afraid to say just what I feel and think for fear of it being thrown bake at me. Afraid of saying something that needs to be said yet I can't because I don't want to be hurt anymore.
I don't want to hurt Michael either. I want him to be happy. I want him to find peace. Sigh, I want him to find me, but I can't ask him that. Not this time, he has to do that on his own.
April 5, 2005
I sit and think about Michael. WHat we talk about...howhe shows love to me that seems so honest and true. I sigh and think God how many times I ahve thought this.Then he throws me to the ground again and I cry. I cry because I am hurt..because I don't understand and because I think I am an idiot for even trying again.
I hate hiding how I feel to him...but I can't open up..not like before. I can't let him see everything inside me again because he knew before and he hurt me anyways.
Why would I be so foolish as to give him that ammo again.
I want to hold him and believe everything he is telling me...but I know what happens after I do...he pushes me away again. Then I am hurt again.
Myabe the best answer here is just walk away...I will stop hurting won't I?
Can I live without Michael in my life? I can never be his's all or nothing.
Am I ready to face the nothing?
April 13, 2005
 I decided to write the journal again though for the past week or so I haven't been keeping up.
So many things going on at the same time.
Michael is still not having episodes....each day that he doesn't gives me a little more hope.
I am still afraid to believe again. Still afraid to be hurt all over again by his own words.
But I sat here thinking. What would life, my life, be without Michael? I thought about it, and there just is no answer to life without him.
I love Michael, when I look to the future every hope, every picture, every dream is with him...good and bad...he is there, with me. So giving up isn't an option. That leaves me with who to cope...endure and let go of things that have happened.
I have to do that, if I can't let go, we will never make it. I can't be happy bringing up past mistakes and that certainly is not going to make him happy.
I'm not certain how to do that...letting go of pain and hurt is not the easiest thing in the world to do, but I believe that love over-comes all.
I will erase and leave a part of that pain behind with each day that passes. Hopefully no knew pains will take their place.
I guess y'all will let go with me..maybe me writing this is God's way of helping someone else. My writing is a blessing for me, so it has to help someone, if not there isn't a point in what we are doing.
April 29, 2005
I haven't wrote in quite some time. So many things have been happening.
First my mother passed away. Not something I care to talk about much since I still refuse to accept this.
When she passed away, I was lost. I guess I still am if I allow myself to think about it the tears will flow uncontrollably. Not an option!
Back to my train of thought..when she passed away, Michael was having a very hard times with himself and things in his life. He was shutting doors on me. Slamming them in my face it felt like. Two days after she passed away Michael sent me an email, a note really, saying he needed to do something and don't contact him. I was crushed. I had lost two of the most important people in my life all in a matter of a few days.
I was also angry, because when I needed Michael more than I have ever needed anyone in my life he turned his back on me.
That was how I felt at the time, and those feelings still linger I suppose but not so much.
I understand things more clearly. I do understand Michael running when my mother passed away. Hell he just now said goodbye to his parents and wife, after 3 years. He couldn't deal with their death till just now and here I was asking him to deal with mine. He couldn't..his own words to me were " I want to help you so much but I don't know how".
We somehow made it past that. Maybe out of nothing but love for one another we overlook and forget mistakes made. Maybe its the grace of God that continues to push us together.
Michael has continued working long, hard hours. I think this is both good and bad. His mind doesn't have that time to think and dwell and run away, but he is also killing himself with the hours he is working.
He needs to find that medium. Just enough to keep himself "sane" but not so much he falls asleep without even showering out of sheer exhausting.
I have seen alot of changes in Michael this past month. At first I refused to believe it. I thought to myself " NO! we have done this before, it last for a few days, a week at best then the episodes start again. That has not been the case this time. I have watched closely and carefully. Not willing to allow myself to be hurt again.
I do believe his medicines are starting to work. Now when he thinks, he can stop the thoughts from racing away. He can pick and choose which he wants to think about and those he doesn't.
He had a few bad days where unwanted thoughts crept into his mind, but he was able to stop them. He didn't drink, which I am so proud of. I think part of this happening is his hours working, the lack of sleep, and the feeling of delirious coming over him. I also believe that is normal. When I or anyone of us who is not suffering from this disorder, run on 2-3 hours of sleep in a matter of 3 days, do you also not feel like that? Thoughts of " why the hell am I doing this"... " I should just quit".... among others run through your mind. You take things wrong, read things wrong, thinks things wrong.
I know this for a fact, last April, when I was cramming for my finals I did just that. Slept 45 minutes got up and would study until it was time for the kids to get up. I would then get them off to school, go to work, go to school myself. Beat the kids home and get laundry done and general housework, get dinner done..their homework, baths. Then I would lay down when they did only to set my alarm for an hour later and I would start this all over again.
I did this for 2 weeks, and yes I thought all the things that Michael has felt and thought this past few weeks. So I believe his irrational thoughts are not his medicine not working this is sheer exhausting.
The hope I thought I had lost in Michael. The non-belief. The "this is never going to get better". All that is slowly leaving me. I see the hope shining more and more each day. I see changes in Michael that he himself doesn't even notice.
I see the "real" Michael more and more each day. The man I fell hopelessly in love with. The man I had at one point thought I would never see again.
I know he will have setback..I know he will slip at times..and I know he is not perfect. I also know that I do love him with all my heart.
I have made it this far with Michael, to give up now just seems wrong.

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