Letting go

Today was a good day also. A little more stressful for Michael. The long hours and work is good for him. Working occupies his mind. He doesn't have all that free time on his hands to think.

I want so much to believe that what I have seen this week is real. I want to think his medication is starting to finally work. HE thoughts are becoming more clear for him. I am scared to death. I have been wrong before. I have thought before that things were. It's because right now, he is not rapid cycling. He is not manic. Right now he is Michael.

The thing that scares me is. God, February was a very hard time. He was either manic or rapid cycling everyday, or both.

This roller coaster ( as he likes to call it) makes me have so much doubt. Now that he seems to be finding himself, what he wants. I am afraid to hope again. Afraid because I don't want to be hurt.

Sometimes I think I can't take much more of the down, the pushing me away, the silence, and the meanness in his voice that comes with those times. I want so much to hope that this time he won't do those things again. This time I won't be hurt again. This time I won't sit and cry alone in the dark so no one sees me cry.

I want so much to believe all those things won't happen again, and because of being let down so very much I am finding it hard to believe that this will be any different.

I want Michael to hold me close and say "this time it's different. This time I can feel it on me."

Just some small hope from him. He hasn't done that. I don't think he can. Because he doesn't know either.

So tell me...how do I find that hope? How do I find that blind faith that I once had in him, that is now hidden behind the fear? How do I push that fear aside again, only to be let down? How many more time can the emotional side of me take being hurt, cry, pray prayers that don't seem to be answered?

Even though this week has been different. Even though I have heard in his voice something that wasn't there before. I can't stop the emotional side of me from showing. I can't, at this moment, find my rational side. The side that can see things logically and reason things out.

Right now I want to cry. I want to say to Michael, "I am sorry. I can't do this again. I can't let myself be hurt once more. I don't want to be hurt again." Even that scares me because I HAVE said that to him before, and he has hurt me again. Though its not his fault. It still has happened. He made promises when he is "Michael" that when he is having an episode he can not keep. Broken promises hurt. Those broken promises have me doubting today, how long will it last this time before he hurts me again, and how much more can I take?

March 25, 05...

Today is not much better than yesterday.

Not that Michael's mood swings are back. That's not it. He is still him. Not rapid cycling, not manic. A little moody, but not anything dramatic.

The moods this time are mine. I see him and want to put all my faith and hope back into him. To believe that THIS time he will continue to be the man I see inside. It is my fears not allowing this.

Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid of being pushed away again. Afraid of having the love I feel casually thrown to the wind and being slapped across the face again. And, yes, that is what it feels like.

So many times I feel as though I give everything in me. I push aside and hide my fears, hurts, pains, worries so that he can have my strength. He can see and feel my love for him. So many times I think I have done that only to have him slap me across the face and push me to the ground. And I don't mean that literally, Michael has never nor would he ever raise his hand to me.

It's just how I feel at times. When I am so emotional and I think to myself, why are earth are you believing it will get better? Why would you set yourself up to be a damn fool again? Why would you continue to hide this when it only hurts?

I think, HE should know how I feel. HE should hear my thoughts, fears, pain and hurt. Because it was HIM that caused this within me. Then I know it was not...not really. Yes he did, but now Michael. It's the manic Michael who caused this...and I know from reading and talking to others who also are bipolar, not to listen to anything he says when he is manic.

I KNOW that in my mind, but the hardest thing in the world to do is not feel that pain or hurt. To not listen to words that do everything but crush your very soul.

When Michael is not having an episode, I want to talk to him about how I feel. What my fears are...my doubts and pain. And again I am afraid. I don't want him to feel even more shame and guilt that I KNOW he feels already because of what he did make me feel. I know he understand, at this moment, just how he hurt me. I know its a shame he struggles with, yet I still feel I have the right to say to him just what he did make me feel. Just how much he DID hurt me again. I feel like I have that right, and I don't say a word because I don't want to be the cause of more shame...more guilt.

So, tell me...where is the logically reasoning here? When is the time for me to just scream and say " damn it, I have had ENOUGH!! I don't want to be strong this time, YOU do it. YOU be strong for me!"

Am I stupid for thinking that day will come? Or do I just continue to bury what, I feel, think, and don't understand so he doesn't know?

Sigh...one of the most sobering and things that keep me "sane" is writing done what I feel. What I think. Saying the words, even if it is only on paper, somehow helps take it away. Somehow lets me speak what I can't and won't to him, so that I can start to think logically again. So that I can start to understand again.

And when I feel THIS upset. When I have such a fear of what I should and should not say to Michael. I go to the chat room. I speak with others who are also bipolar. I ask them questions, so I know what I should do and say to Michael. It's a huge comfort. A great relief. Helps me to understand so much more than I have. To those people who have listened to me, heard my fears, and answered my questions, I will always be grateful and will never thank them enough.

March 26, 05...

I feel alot better today. The wondering and doubting I felt, even though Michael has been himself for the past week and longer,is finally gone.

I hate feeling that way. It eats at me. I sit and think so much. Rethink my decisions, Michael words. I read too much into things or not enough. Al this because I doubt and fear and wonder when it will happen again.

Well, as it usually happens when I feel like that. Michael knows something is wrong. He knows I am thinking too much about something. He ( unlike me) has patience, and he waits until I am ready to talk about it. Which is what we did last night.

I have said before, my writing has been my salvation. There are times I can write things that I am afraid to speak.

Alot of times, when we talk about things that have happened when he is having an episode, I will have him read something first. He understands better what I am feeling because he read the words himself. It makes it much more easier for us to talk about things.

He is still working long hours. This is something he has very much needed. He minds has other things to do, and he feels as though he is gaining control over his life again. This is something he has needed desperately since we found out about his disorder. He is starting to focus again. Focus on him, his life, us and our future.

I pray that this medicine is doing it's job. That it is finally working.

March 27, 05...

Holidays with Michael are not the same as any other day. Because of him losing his parents and wife, the holidays always bring him down. Leave him thinking and feeling sick.

Since therapy he has handled them better, but Easter is a big one. I think he was feeling down, and depressed but I'm not sure if it was due to his disorder. I don't think so but the next few days will tell.

Losing someone can make holidays almost unbearable, I think that is a normal reaction. See, I know this because I lost my dad two years ago at Christmas and my mom just passed away 3 weeks ago. Since, I am not dealing with her death yet, sorta pretending it hasn't happned, Easter didn't bother me like it should have. I was able to focus myself on other things. My kids.

March 28, 05...

Not a great day. I guess its just me. When you've have been hurt before. Even though you can think about why. You know it wasn't "them" that hurt you but a side they can't control. That doubt still finds away to seep in. Still finds away for all the wrong thoughts to emerge.

You think of things in the past and compare them to know. You sit and wonder, "is it really different this time?" You are afraid to hope and believe that it is.

Does this feeling ever leave for good? Do the doubts and fears ever go away? Or are you doomed for the rest of your life with this side. this feeling, this fear?

Is it fair to me that he should want em to stand beside him during this? Is it fair of me to consider walking away? I promised I would stay, give him strength..but GOD...when is someone going to give ME strength? When is someone going to hold me so I can cry. Not yell at me for it? Not make me feel ashamed for thinking this? Understand WHY I do think this. Keep their temper and just let me talk?

Is this the life I have chose with Michael? Does it get better? Can anyone answer these questions for me or will I always wonder?

To I walk away now and feel as though I am haunted all my life, wondering if I did it ALL? Tried hard enough? Do I continue to try and hope it gets better? Pray for some sort of salvation? Some kind of breakthrough that never seems to come? Does it ever end?

March 30, 05...

I didn't write yesterday. Just alot of thinking. I didn't speak with Michael yesterday and when that happens I worry alot. He had such an amazing week last week. He sounded so content, when I don't speak with him I start to get afraid that he is again starting to rapid cycle. That scares me so much because this medicine isn't working either. I am afraid to pray anymore because I don't think God listens to my prays. I'm afraid to ask the kids to pray for Michael because I don't want them to get their hopes up high again to only be let down.

I keep thinking please please just have let him be tired. So tired that he just fell asleep and that's why he didn't call.

I try so hard not to worry, but I have been through soooooooo much with him.I know he has even thought about taking his life and at one time tried. Worrying is there, it's not something I can stop.

I think he is strong enough now to not think those thoughts. I have been wrong so many times. I doubt myself so much with him. I think watch and see, but what I see isn't good.

I think over and over, walk away now. tell him please don't contact me or the children anymore. I think that maybe it would be better if we just didn't know about him and his life anymore. Would I then stop worrying? Can I remove him from my mind so easy? There has to be an answer to this, I don't know it though. I'm not sure how to find this answer.

March 31, 05...

Collie had asked me to do a journal for one month. On how its feels day-to-day caring for someone who is bipolar. When she I asked me I was thrilled and so was Michael.

Unfortunately this is going to be the last day. Michael is still hiding from me...still ignoring me and allowing me to worry. I give up...I can't do this anymore.

I do understand about his disorder but this is unfair to me. For him to not even answer my call, or just let me know he is alright. I can't live like this.