Today

There is no past; no future; only today! 

As much as things in my past continue to haunt me from time to time; what can I do about them?   I cannot change what I have done nor make them go away.  Some things I can make restitution for by replacing physical items – but how can I make restitution for the hurt I have caused, or the people who have been harmed by my past behaviour?

How can the emotional strains on those I love be healed?  At the moment my guilt is swirling back to the surface as my wife has had to stop work for a while due to the strains, both physical and emotional she has had to endure these last few years, especially the strains of worrying about me.

Would I make it to work and back home safely each day I worked or would I succumb to the negative voices that plague me and take a detour into oblivion?

How do I learn to ignore these feelings of guilt so that I can be a help and not a hindrance?

My psychiatrist constantly helps me work on the issue that the past is gone and there is nothing that I can do to change it.  His favourite expression to me is from the Dalai Lama and basically is:  If you have a problem and you can do something about it – then don’t worry.  If you have a problem and you can’t do anything about it – then don’t worry either.

He makes it sound so easy, that worry is the most useless emotion that we humans put our selves through, and usually over things in the past that we have absolutely no control over, or our imaginary problems in the future.

So what have I decided to try you ask?  At least I hope that one of you will ask!

I am going to try to live a “Today” life by just focussing on each day as it arrives and deal only with the challenges of today and not tie it in to the past events. Or, focus too far in the future because the only thing I can do about the future is to survive today and live well today, so that when the future becomes the past in its turn.  I don’t have to relive the cycle of regrets or guilt.

If any one else wants to try it with me – just be my guest and feel free to share any secrets you have in making it work.  I need all the help I can get.

 

Graham Brown

20 July 2005

 

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