Hi,   I really, really need help.

PLEASE ANSWER SOON

  I just sent a message to you.. Please, disregard it.  I should have done more research before asking..

  My mother was hospitalized for a short time, and is definantly bipolar.My father is severly mentally ill, I am not sure how.  They divorced when I was seven.  But, all I will mention about him is that something is so wrong with him, he is scary like a serial killer.

   I really need help. Because, I am so depressed , even suicidal. I take trazodone and paxil.  I KNOW FOR SURE there is something so much more wrong with me then just major depression.

   I am 29 I have been treated for depression since I was about 13.  I took a bunch of pills, but then immediately told my mother. I did this because no one would believe i was really sad.

   This is going to be a really long letter and I really apologize in advance.  Of course, as you have guessed my father was abusive.  I am nine years younger than my brother and sister, so I was mostly left alone.

    The thing is for a period of about two years between ages of 11 and 15 ,oh I guess longer than two years.  I had hallucinations of whispers and a demon attacking me.  I was completely aware of my surroundings at these times..

     I do not hallucinate like that anymore but I am social phobic and severel other things. Like think strangers are making fun of me.. And i am frightened of mirrors in the dark I think a demon will jump out and grab me.  I KNOW there is not one, but am frightened all the same. This do not affect my functioning, i hide my distress, but they cause much anxiety.

     I do see a psyciatrist. He does know about my hallucinations from 15 years ago, he just said no problem unless they come back let me know.

  I WAS  manic for a long time when I was about 15 .  Promiscuos, saying things, talking too much, saying stupid things, so that everyone thought I was weird.

   Oh, I read about the before 3 years of age thing on being schizophrenic. And I asked my mom about it. Because , she always comments on how I was such a good baby.  And she says I really never cried unless something was wrong. I never asked for attention, though accepted it when I got it.  Never pulled hair or threw tantrums or ANYTHING. and it makes me wonder.

   But, since I have been on antidepressants.  I am not manic expect when I get really really nervous around a group of people and I do the talk too much thing. But, almost never. That is the only manic symptom I have had for like 15 years. And it may not even be manic, but just so nervous I am stupid.

    The thing is the antidepressants work.  They keep me from killing myself. And i finally asked my new doctor if when u have depression, and take medicine, if it helps but u still have to deal with coping with being depressed everyday. He said absolutely not, they should work and raised my paxil dose some.

    Like i said, I am not manic at all and have not been for years..But, the antidepressants DONT  work well enough.  I am basically sluggish, and I am never happy.  I mean if I won a million dollars i would be glad but not happy.

    I also have never even felt more for another person than just basic caring.  Until i married my husband at 18 we are still married and I love him so much I REALLY would die for him.

   But, he has seen what we have had to deal with concerning my mother.  And would be disgusted if he found out i was the same..WE have gone thru so much with her..She finally takes zyprexa and without it, i would not even be able to see her she was so bad.

   So u can see why I am scared. He is really disgusted with and how my mother acts and has acted.

    I know I need even more help. But, I am not sure if I am a mild form of schizophrenic with depression. Or bipolar.  But, either way I am scared too ask for more help and scare my husband off.  I have NEVER been as bad as she was though.  But, I do not want to be something, that someone else had, my mom, and it caused me so much pain. God , i dont want to be that.

 WE have been married 11 years no kids. I just never wanted any.  But, i just want an opinion on what I probably am more likely to have.  The illness which one I mean. So, I know better how to ask my doctor for help.

 Because, my husband and i are so close there would be no way to hide my new diagnosis and medicine from him. And even if i got the courage to ask for more help even though my husband would know I had more than depression.  I do not want to have to keep going back over and over and over in a short period of time. So that the doctor could figure me out.  That would freak my husband even more.

   Something else i may should mention, is that though I am very smart many people think I am dumb because I kind of have arrested development or soemthing. I am kind of child like. I can function as an adult. But, people mistake this kind of weird personality I have as dumb blondness when It is actually that I act pretty much childish.  For instance, I always say as long as i get to yell I dont stay mad. I dont hold grudges.  But, what I really do is have a tantrum, and then like a kid I am not mad at the person anymore.

  Please help, because I need more help and sometimes my silliness embarrasses my husband , but sometimes he just thinks im extra sweet. But I need more help , but I am afraid I will lose the only person I really love. Because, like i said, he would have a reasone to freak out after seeing my mom

Thank You So Much,

Please respond as quickly as u are able

Thanks

Dear Ms. J'

Because it doesn't take much reading there to see that you are suffering and need some help, I'll confess I skimmed your letter.  Clearly it's time to find a good therapist and/or psychiatrist.  You can direct them to my website if you think they don't grasp ideas you may have found there.  Use the "find a therapist" guide if needed.  I hope you find someone with whom you feel comfortable, and soon.  Good luck to you.

Dr. Phelps