"An episode-conquered"

Wow! I almost went down again, but was able to conquer it before I got into trouble. I now know I have all the medicine I need to conquer my illness. I also somewhat may be able to explain what happens as I go down or get sick.

I have been gradually getting better. Nice and slow, nice and steady. I have been slowly realizing how very smart and gifted I truly am. I have been trying to be cautious as I know I cannot afford another vicious circle.

Satan is lurking in every dark corner to do me in. This is not psychotic nor paranoid. God is real and so are the evil forces in this world, controlled by Satan.

I am a born again believer of Mel Gibson’s The Christ. I have been since I was a little girl. I learned first hand - abstract thinking in the Bible and what it takes to please God in thought and deed. I have always tried to live by it and be the very best Christian I knew how to be.

When my father died and my mother went berserk she took a lot of her anxiety out on me, the only other adult in the household. Three years of horrible scrutinizing of me and screaming at me all the time did me in.

I ended up in a State Hospital and received 350 shock treatments over a period of two years. I also underwent insulin shock on odd days. I was released at some point at the end of that period-deemed recovered and well.

I spent the next 7 years married and coming out of it. When my brain returned it had enlarged or at least the way I saw things had and I got manic. Thus a cycle started that would go on for the next 30 years.

I got divorced after many problems with the marriage and my husbands inability to handle me when I was ill. He was doing it all wrong and I was slowly dying more and more. I knew when I left him that there was a small dot of me left and that I wanted to find the person so injured and dying inside.

I have slowly gotten better these past ten years, but esp. the last 2 1/2 years. I had been in an abusive relationship with another manic depressive who was also alcoholic. My friend was a wonderful guy, but injured and very disruptive when he drank. I learned to let my temper out for the first time with him. I also got into a whole lot of trouble getting sicker than ever before. I wrote a bunch of checks that bounced and the local Judge who I had made friends with due to my friend Ron, made me be responsible for them even though I was sick. Thus started 2 1/2 years of terrible financial struggle.

It was the best lesson of my life!! I learned caution and patience and to watch over myself that I wouldn’t go down that road again. Physically I knew I couldn’t do it again.

I am getting better and although I know I will always be an extreme case of bi-polar, I am now becoming myself, and learning how to handle the illness

My different doctors (M.D., Gyn., and Psychiatrist) have all given me certain medicines.
If I had not been familiar with each of the following and how they would work on me, I KNQW I would have gotten sick again. The medicines were given to me for different things such as Prolixin for the bi-polar, Flexeril for muscle spasms, and hydroxzine pam for anxiety. I have also been successfully using Melatonin for sleep.

I reached a level this week where nothing that I had been doing was working and I knew I could possibly get sick. All the signs were there. …the sensitivities to noise, the paranoia, the sleeplessness…etc.

All I did was to increase the prolix in to 15 mg instead of 10, I added the hydroxzine last night by a full dose of 25 mg. and continued on the Flexeril for my spasms and nerves. I had not been using the Hyroxzine pam at all, but knew last night it would knock me out. I am up early but I know also, I am out of trouble.

I feel like I AM learning how to stay well and that I have medicine finally that can help me do just that.

Many other things are working in my favor. I have learned not to try so hard. I am learning to think of myself as a poet but also as a fellow manic-depressive. The drop in center in town here for the mentally ill is wonderful. I watch as certain clients get better and better. I also strive to just be me and not make them all well as I did in the past. Megan and Bart are wonderful and I am feeling cautiously safe there. I only go once or twice a week as that is all I can take. It is hard for me.

I am finding peace in cleaning my home again and taking pride in myself. I am going to join a church soon. It is Episcopal and I like it as it doesn’t shove things down your throat about how to believe as a Christian. I find both freedom and challenge there, and the people are very loving and accepting of me.

I have been able to write successfully now for the past year or so. It is coming out naturally instead of being forcefully channeled.

I am at peace. I am even more at peace this morning, knowing I met the challenge of yet another episode without crashing.

I pray I continue to let God guide me and that I remember to lean on the Cross and Christ.
I do believe life has a definite purpose and that much of mental illness is a spiritual battle.

I stand ready to care for myself, defend my actions, and remain calm when challenged. I stand confident in myself as a human being. A human being with a very disruptive and colorful past.

I don’t need to prove myself all the time anymore. I know I have a good support system going and feel safe with my supporters. My daughter, my son-in-law, my brothers, and family, my friends are all much more in tune with me than ever before. And I know I have the meds I need to stay well. I will be a leader and follow people’s gentle guidance when I need to.

None of us are either leaders or followers. WE should all be a little of both-depending on what the situation calls for at the moment.

I am human and I am good. Not perfect, but a Soul who tries to be her best and do no harm to others. I am a Christian. I put God first and wait on Him for final answers.

I look to the future with happiness and peace. There are struggles and there will be more, but I now have tools to deal with what I need to. I am at rest.


July, 2005
a poem
by Georgeanne Mitchell

"Satan"

Satan can attack in so many ways
He can control our minds, confuse our days

Why does Satan always make us think we need more?
The Bible says in Christ we're saved
If you lean on the corss-you will not crave
Yet Satan takes man and maketh a lie
And me, I only want to take a sigh

He pits brother against brother
He abuses the truth
In the Cross Salvation needs no more proof

If your heart looks to God and Jesus Christ
If you know you're a sinner-Christ paid the price

Then no matter what faith you choose to claim
I know you're saved-Christ heals all the same



Sincerely,

Georgeanne Mitchell

 

 

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