Renier's Story of Bipolar 


I always knew I was different. I always knew some things didn't work out in my life... I had a different approach to everything. My age groups didn't understand me, my friends were never really friends. 

I was small... I think, three years old, and I saw a clown, chasing me up and down the stairs. I can clearly remember it. In a way that is when it all started, when my life spiraled downhill. Through the years stuff started happening to me, I had more hallucinations and I was in a way very sensitive to certain things. 

At the age of 9, I went to my first psychologist. She said I had too many phobias and I need to get rid of them. I was afraid of the world ending, afraid of losing my family. I had so many fears, I started panicking and had panic attacks. I also noticed that I was allergic to every medication known to man. There was always something in the background bothering me. Then arrived high school, and all the boys at school. I was never a popular kid and I had a severe sense of depression... it haunted me. I went through hell my first year of high school, everything hurt me, every notion of every person. Every word spoken to me, so I fell ill with asthma and ended up in hospital 11 times in one year. My pdoc says now that it was a demon of my depression rearing its head. In grade nine weird things started happening, I always had a new obsession. First it was washing my hands, then new stuff, like religion and etc. It was terrible. Luckily I made a few friends that are still with me today. 

I started cutting, the feeling of the razor going through my skin was wonderful. I cut for a while when I told my mum. She was crying and I was shivering of fear. I went to my first pdoc, he thought I was secretly doing drugs. So, yeah I left him and went on with my life, getting more and more depressed. He gave me Cipramil for one week. ONE WEEK! Time went by and I cut more and more... and left my family and friends behind. I couldn't take it anymore. 

Then a new obsession reared its ugly head. My sexuality. It started with the winner of Pop Idol, he admitted he was gay and all of a sudden it haunted me too. I was crying night after night, then I met someone through texting, living in another town, that kind of helped me in a way. She made me realize I was gay... we had a "friendship" for a while, but it also went to shreds, because my "manias" I knew nothing of then was breaking up all my friendships. 

We moved to a new house, I can still remember how I didn't sleep... Then, arrived my new computer. First time on a computer. Millionth time on the internet. I went to a site called and met the greatest people I have ever known. A guy who has Aids who became my saving grace.  He was gay. He helped me realize who I am, We moved again. 

Then came the breakdown. I totally crashed and didn't leave anything behind. My whole soul felt as if it was ripped from the body.  I had a severe psychotic episode and went mad. That was last year. So I ended up in the psych ward. I didn't know who I was. So I found my second pdoc. He diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and said I have a very severe case, moods swinging daily. I went on from then and I didn't go back to school. Through a lot of hell I finally ended up in telling my parents I am gay.  They accepted me, in a way. A few weeks I pulled back and said I am straight, they were overjoyed I was too tired and too ill, found a great tdoc that helped me through the most difficult times, I still have her and love her. 

2003 Then my first suicide attempt. Taking a bottle of HERBAL MEDS. HERBAL MEDS! I wanted to die... but nothing worked... I just fell asleep earlier. No one knew. So through a lot of hell I finally ended up in telling my parents I am gay.    Time was running out and I needed a new pdoc. A very bad one, that wanted to put me in the psych ward, so she sent me to a neurologist that said I have temporal lobe epilepsy. Millions of tests and millions of rands later, we figured out I didn't have it, from my the pdoc I have now. But it didn't end there. I had another psychotic episode and the woman gave me four risperdals. I ended up in ICU. It was an OD.  After that she yelled at me while in hospital. So I left her. Next up, another interesting doctor, put me two weeks in a mental institution. Didn't help one bit, went to another doctor, he didn't help either, just gave me the same meds I was on, cuz everyone thought I had temporal lobe epilepsy... and a TOUCH of bipolar. Even though I felt it was full blast. 

Then after ten pdocs, I had another severe breakdown, and lost all of my mind. I didn't know who I was for a week. I ended up in the psych institution again. For a day or something, then they said I am an insecure teenager that need to find my way... I have still not really recovered from that breakdown I fell in a love with a guy named Allan. He was an obsession for a long time. A BIG OBSESSION. 

Next I found a brilliant pdoc that specializes in Bipolar. About two months back. He helped me through some difficult times. A few weeks back I tried to commit suicide again and cut my wrists. It was terrible and I have lost all faith in myself. I don't know who I am anymore. So now this is me, gay, bipolar and still where I was a year back, stopped cutting after a year though... luckily I am going to a new school now, a private college. It feels so good that I wrote this, because in a way I know who I am. Luckily I have a great support system and I have my writing behind me, which I am sending off to publishers. Luckily I have Bipolaworld. So watch me, I will make a difference, in my life and in others, even though I am a touch different, after all Bipolar is there to make us different!... hehehe

contact Reniner at [email protected]


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