Renier's Story of Bipolar 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always knew I was different. I always knew some things didn't work out in my life... I had a different approach to everything. My age groups didn't understand me, my friends were never really friends. 

I was small... I think, three years old, and I saw a clown, chasing me up and down the stairs. I can clearly remember it. In a way that is when it all started, when my life spiraled downhill. Through the years stuff started happening to me, I had more hallucinations and I was in a way very sensitive to certain things. 

At the age of 9, I went to my first psychologist. She said I had too many phobias and I need to get rid of them. I was afraid of the world ending, afraid of losing my family. I had so many fears, I started panicking and had panic attacks. I also noticed that I was allergic to every medication known to man. There was always something in the background bothering me. Then arrived high school, and all the boys at school. I was never a popular kid and I had a severe sense of depression... it haunted me. I went through hell my first year of high school, everything hurt me, every notion of every person. Every word spoken to me, so I fell ill with asthma and ended up in hospital 11 times in one year. My pdoc says now that it was a demon of my depression rearing its head. In grade nine weird things started happening, I always had a new obsession. First it was washing my hands, then new stuff, like religion and etc. It was terrible. Luckily I made a few friends that are still with me today. 

I started cutting, the feeling of the razor going through my skin was wonderful. I cut for a while when I told my mum. She was crying and I was shivering of fear. I went to my first pdoc, he thought I was secretly doing drugs. So, yeah I left him and went on with my life, getting more and more depressed. He gave me Cipramil for one week. ONE WEEK! Time went by and I cut more and more... and left my family and friends behind. I couldn't take it anymore. 

Then a new obsession reared its ugly head. My sexuality. It started with the winner of Pop Idol, he admitted he was gay and all of a sudden it haunted me too. I was crying night after night, then I met someone through texting, living in another town, that kind of helped me in a way. She made me realize I was gay... we had a "friendship" for a while, but it also went to shreds, because my "manias" I knew nothing of then was breaking up all my friendships. 

We moved to a new house, I can still remember how I didn't sleep... Then, arrived my new computer. First time on a computer. Millionth time on the internet. I went to a site called teenhelp.org and met the greatest people I have ever known. A guy who has Aids who became my saving grace.  He was gay. He helped me realize who I am, We moved again. 

Then came the breakdown. I totally crashed and didn't leave anything behind. My whole soul felt as if it was ripped from the body.  I had a severe psychotic episode and went mad. That was last year. So I ended up in the psych ward. I didn't know who I was. So I found my second pdoc. He diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and said I have a very severe case, moods swinging daily. I went on from then and I didn't go back to school. Through a lot of hell I finally ended up in telling my parents I am gay.  They accepted me, in a way. A few weeks I pulled back and said I am straight, they were overjoyed I was too tired and too ill, found a great tdoc that helped me through the most difficult times, I still have her and love her. 

2003 Then my first suicide attempt. Taking a bottle of HERBAL MEDS. HERBAL MEDS! I wanted to die... but nothing worked... I just fell asleep earlier. No one knew. So through a lot of hell I finally ended up in telling my parents I am gay.    Time was running out and I needed a new pdoc. A very bad one, that wanted to put me in the psych ward, so she sent me to a neurologist that said I have temporal lobe epilepsy. Millions of tests and millions of rands later, we figured out I didn't have it, from my the pdoc I have now. But it didn't end there. I had another psychotic episode and the woman gave me four risperdals. I ended up in ICU. It was an OD.  After that she yelled at me while in hospital. So I left her. Next up, another interesting doctor, put me two weeks in a mental institution. Didn't help one bit, went to another doctor, he didn't help either, just gave me the same meds I was on, cuz everyone thought I had temporal lobe epilepsy... and a TOUCH of bipolar. Even though I felt it was full blast. 

Then after ten pdocs, I had another severe breakdown, and lost all of my mind. I didn't know who I was for a week. I ended up in the psych institution again. For a day or something, then they said I am an insecure teenager that need to find my way... I have still not really recovered from that breakdown I fell in a love with a guy named Allan. He was an obsession for a long time. A BIG OBSESSION. 

Next I found a brilliant pdoc that specializes in Bipolar. About two months back. He helped me through some difficult times. A few weeks back I tried to commit suicide again and cut my wrists. It was terrible and I have lost all faith in myself. I don't know who I am anymore. So now this is me, gay, bipolar and still where I was a year back, stopped cutting after a year though... luckily I am going to a new school now, a private college. It feels so good that I wrote this, because in a way I know who I am. Luckily I have a great support system and I have my writing behind me, which I am sending off to publishers. Luckily I have Bipolaworld. So watch me, I will make a difference, in my life and in others, even though I am a touch different, after all Bipolar is there to make us different!... hehehe

contact Reniner at rpalland@yahoo.com

 

Bipolar World   1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014
Owners: 
Allie Bloom, David Schafer, M.Ed. (Blackdog)
Bipolar World Partners:  John Haeckel, Judith (Duff)
Founder:  Colleen Sullivan
 

Email Us at Bipolar World

About Us  Add a Link  Advance Directives  Alternative Treatments  Ask the Doctor   Ask Dr. Phelps about Bipolar Disorder   Ask The Doctor/Dr. Phelps' Topic Archives  Awards  Benny the Bipolar Puppy  Bipolar Chat  Bipolar Children  Bipolar Disorder News  Bipolar Help Contract  Bipolar World Forums  Book Reviews  Bookstore  BP & Other mental Illness   Clinical Research Trials & FDA Drug Approval   Community Support   Contact Us  The Continuum of Mania and Depression   Coping   Criteria    Criteria and Diagnosis  Criteria-World Health Disabilities,  DSMV-IV   Dual Diagnosis  eGroups  Expressions (Poetry, Inspiration, Humor, Art Gallery, Memorials  Family Members   Getting Help for a Loved One who Refuses Treatment  Greeting Cards  History of Mental Illness  Indigo  Job and School  Links    Medications   Medication and Weight Gain    News of the Day  Parent Chat  Pay for Meds  Personal Stories  Self Help  Self Injury  Significant Others  Stigma and Mental Health Law  Storm's Column  Suicide!!!  The Suicide Wall  Table of Contents   Treatments  Treatment Compliance  US Disability  Veteran's Chat  What's New?