As well i stay with her for my kids sake i dont want them to be brought up by some other guy, or worse having to see there mother suffer or have millions of guys coming to the house over and over so that she could date. My wife is not the most holiest person that i know, She has done some serious wrong things in her life as far as sex when she was a kid and even though it was before me it bothers me. I feel that is wrong of me is it? I really dont know i feel like iam wrong but then again i feel like the women that i married is a slut. God forgive me, And then to make things worse. About 7 years
ago she cheated on me not cause i did anything wrong not that would make it ok but yet according to todays standards that is why people cheat and that makes it alright, but she cheated because she said that she felt like she was getting old and she wanted to see ! see what is my feelings, Anyway I had just lost my fiance before her and i had flipped out due to my bi-polar. I felt like i lost my life when my fniance had left me, We had dated all through my childhood and dated through out our young adult life, At 18 she left. And i started dating my wife that iam speaking of, Anyway back to her, . Once again
about 2 years ago, she was on a EMT squad that she worked for and there was this guy and he would not stop speaking to her, And she told me they were just friends I allowed it because i didnt want to take that away from her, But then he started calling at all hours of the night. Asking her to come over cause he was having problems or what ever other excuses he would use. HE also asked the boss of her
job at dispatch to make sure they worked as partners everynight that she was on. So he did. She went from working 40 hours a week to a total and get this 85 hours a week. I would ask her why she would tell me that she just loves her job, Then she started buying sexy underwear and bra's and i mean bare minimal.See through. I made her stop talking to this guy, and i asked her if she slept with him she stated that i was crazy and it was my bi-polar she told me that she couldnt believe that i was even accusing her of all this and she was working all these hours for us. I dont know guys
but am i wrong. Then she started to cry and I mean cry when i told her to stop talking to him. She called him in front of me and started to cry yet again telling him they were not allowed to talk or hang out anymore. He started to get mad and wanted to confront me,

IAm to old for that crap but i did it anyway. I got really sick after that though..I got really depressed and didnt know what to do with myself. I yet hold all these problems inside about her, And that is what is making my staying with her so hard. to add more to our history My wife's mother whom is now dead thank god and you will see why for about 7 years that i was with her daughter not once was her mother nice she hated me and i mean hated me she was one of those mothers
that loved being on welfare and didnt care about doing anything with herself she lived in low income housing, She would call me spick atleast once a day she would spit on me, she once through my tv when i was living with them off the balcony window cause i wouldnt give her $25.00 for her to go get alchol. I forgot to mention that she was an alchoalic for her entire life and she would smoke crack in front of her kids and in front of her little one. Anyway she would steal my
money while we would be asleep and steal anything that was not tied down. She would throw her daughter out with me if she met a new man and i dont mean for the night i mean for good because she didnt want the current guy to get mad and leave her. Then every so often would invite her daughter back because the current guy left her. There is alot more to the mother but i am sure you dont want to hear it. But
the last thing about her she lost custody of her smallest daughter whom i have now because one she died but before she did she lost custody because the daughter when she was in 4th grade went to her counselor and told them that her mommy was eating alot of pills and drinking alot and told them that she would have sex in the same bad as she thought that her daughter was sleeping. And that she was scared she was going to die on her, The mother flipped out and i mean
flipped out. She made this little girl feel so bad she told her that now they are going to take her away and shun her into some orphanage because she couldnt shut up. One day i came home from work and my wife tells me that she took custody of her, I told her why did you do this we are struggling as it is we were living paycheck to paycheck just for food and were behind on rent 2 months atleast. She turned
around and said it was her sister i could appreciate that but what was i going to do now she didnt think about that. I had my first son born already how was i going to feed this inocent child whom his eyes looked so safe when you hold him how was i to explain to him that daddy might have to move us to the car or couldnt feed him cause his mother didnt think or was to busy cheating and her mother was to busy
losing her kids cause she was trash. Anyway the mother was given a chance to go to rehab then she could get her child back, what did she do she agree's she leave's for rehab about a good 2 hours away, and about 3 days in tells us you can come visit I didnt think anything was wierd about it untill i got there and that day no one was to visit not to include her mother was still on "blackout". She tells us that she needs $20.00 for cigs so that she can buy them when they
take them to the store right away my wife gives her the money and sure enough that afternoon not even 3 hours after she was at our door stinking drunk barely standing with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, she took the damn bus home. Can you believe that she didnt care that the state took her daughter why. Because she said that she knew she was in good hands with us and that she could see her anytime
being that she was with us. I told her different but my wife didnt listen. The state came over and warned her but yet nothing was done.

Now iam stuck at this point with a child that is not mine and a child we can not afford. as you can see from all this i dont know what to do with my self. I dont have the money to move out on my own even if i did find the guts to leave her. I have a problem with being alone iam scared to be alone as i have been left as you can see and alone all my life. I have no family to turn to as they are either all dead or dont want to speak to me, As that is the way my family is. I cant
hold a job as i told you earlier up top due to this illness, and dont know what to do about it. Doctors pump on there every 3 month visit either more meds in to me of higher does or just change them. Even after i tell them that they are not working. I have tried many doctors and none have done anything but the same old scenerio. What am i to do. Lately Iam scared of death I have never shared this much with anyone. And iam glad that i have found this group and hope that maybe someone here can understand where iam coming from. What can i do...?

As far as being scared of death i dont mean that iam going to jump off of a bridge even though i have thought it so many times, But iam starting to worry of my own end, Why iam to young for these thoughts, Is this a pattern of my disease? Am i getting worse. I have been endless times to hospitals for help and all they do is keep me from 4days to 2 weeks and pump meds into me. Making me do these meetings
that i hate during the day that they say will help and really dont.

I at one point before my wife's mother died had started taking pain medicine for jaw pain "TMJ" that i got from a childhood injury where another child had hit me yes he had a strong punch :)anyway her mother was diagnosed with cancer and descided that she was going to do hospice and stay home, they started giving her pain meds and she would give them to me before soon, I started to love the feeling of those meds. I got addicted I felt like nothing could stop me i felt like the world was at its best, I felt like i could hold a job and indeed i did for a while, Till i started taking 200 mgs a day of morphine and about another 200 mgs a day of vicodine or percocet or what ever other opiode that would make me feel good or that the mother would give me that day. For three years i fought with that, I hate it I hate my life. I feel like all this is my fault. I dont know if i have bothered you all and iam sorry But i finally just want to get input.

I am sorry if i have bothered any of you with this long story and iam sorry if the writing seems irratic and piece's here and there. But i was writing them quick, and trying to remember everything i could as i wrote. And yet there is so much more SO MUCH MORE... i guess this is a cry for help. I wonder am i truley sick or is this just all making me sicker. What to do with myself is the next thing and i dont know. I pray every night and yet nothing has been answered. My wife never has loved me and i dont know if i love her anymore my self. I did i really did but with all this well what would
you do. As well i have been with her for the wrong reasons at certain times from what you have read. But what else can i do for my kids then. Its not like the courts will give them to me for good so that she will not ruin there lives. She will right away bring up the point that iam mentally sick and that i have been diagnosed and that i had the pain pill problem. I do have fond memories of my wife and I but they are shadowed by hate and well as you have read by all this.