Amy's Story


I am a 25 yr old mother of three, I just wanted to send you my story in case that it could help someone else.
             I didn't come into this world feeling too wanted to begin with. My mother was 16 and my natural father didn't even acknowledge my existence. I was raised by my mother, grandmother and great aunt. My mom has two sisters and a brother that helped out too and my step-grandfather. When I was 2 my mom met this guy and married him. I was led to believe my whole life that this man was my "real" father. When I was 5 they had a son together. Up until I was in my early teens I remember everything being normal I guess. I think it all started when I was about 12-13. I would cry in my room for hours for no reason and scream into my pillow. I would also cut myself with a utility knife because it made me feel better. My brother is ADHD, so he was always being bad. I made good grades and was a good kid. I never caused any trouble or anything and I kind of just faded into the b! ackground. The only people that I felt really wanted me, that really "saw" me was my Nana and my Papa. They are my mom's mom and step-dad. They didn't want my mom to take me when she met my "dad". I would stay with them any chance that I got. They made me feel safe and loved. They were my saviours in my darkness.
When I was 14, my "dad" left us. He took my brother and left 2 weeks before Christmas. On one occasion when I was visiting him he told me that I wasn't his natural daughter and he didn't feel like he should have to pay child support for a child that isn't his. I left immediately and went crying to my Nana and my mom. They told me the truth about my real father and it was left at that. At about the same time at school I was seeing my guidance counselor. I was talking with her about how I felt and she suggested I see a psychologist/psychiatrist because she felt that I was manic depressive and co-dependant. I never told my mom because she was too stressed about money already and we didn't have any insurance. I went on dealing with it on my own. When I was 17, I met this guy named David. From the moment I met him it was like we were on the same brain wave or something. He knew me like no one has ever known me. And from that day forward ! we have never been apart. A year after we met we found out that I was pregnant. I had our first son in March 1994. When he was about 8 months old I decided to try and find my real father. And I did, well I found his parents. He had committed suicide 10 years prior. I never heard from them again. In 1997, I had our daughter and the again in 1998 I had our third and last son. It was after he was born that everything started going down hill. I had anxiety attacks and I was depressed. It took everything that I had to get up and take care of the kids everyday. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, I was scared!
My husband cheated on me, that killed me. I could have never believed it except it came out of his mouth. I mean it was a one time thing, not like an affair, if that is suppose to make it any better. I forgave him and we got on with our lives together. It still hurts, and I am still suspicious. But around that time, my moods were starting to get really bad. I would walk into the room happy and energetic and then five seconds later I was depressed accusing him of not loving me and screaming at him. Then I would be happy and laughing again. This just got worse over the next 2 years.
Just about 3 weeks ago, I woke up one morning and started crying. I had never felt like this. I felt so overwhelmed and so out of control. I took my son to his orthopedic doctor's appt. and then I drove my kids to my mom's and went to the doctors. He talked with me for awhile and the said that he thinks that I am manic depressive. I told him that I was told that when I was 15. He put me on Eskalith and Xanax. I am doing better now, I actually converse with my children now. And I am more normal. They were scared. One minute I would be outside at 10pm jumping on the trampoline and then I would be sitting there crying. I am glad that i finally got some help. I just wish that I could get my husband to understand what is wrong with me. He is the type that if you can't see it its not there. Also, I want to be informed on any screenings that can be done on my children to see of they could be BP. I would really like to catch it early i! f they are because I don't want them going through what I have been through. I hope that if this touches one teenagers life that it has helped. Sometimes parents think the mood swings are a part of the teen years and hormones and stuff, but sometimes that aren't and you should really be in tune with your kids. I am sorry this has been so long but it felt good to get it out!
--- Amy 




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