My name is Carolyn and I am 25 years old. I live with
my boyfriend and 4 children. I was diagnosed with
Bipolar pretty much as a birthday present on March
I guess all the trouble started when I went
for an operation in June the previous year for a cyst
I became very moody and violent a lot. Now
people that know me can tell you I was always the one
taking the hits from by bipolar brother and never hit
any one. As time went on, I got worse. I had become so
bad I tried to get my own boyfriend to call the police
on me for abuse on him but he always refused.
The night I began to think of killing my self was when
had my self put into a Respid center for 3 days before
I came home on Thanksgiving of last year.
I decided that my boyfriend and I would still live
together but as friends. Believe me, it was very hard
since we had been together since we were 16 yrs. old
but for my own sake and sanity we managed.
At this point in time I had only been diagnosed with
PTSD and Anxiety. The bipolar dx didn't surprise me
since my brother had been diagnosed with it; what
bothered me about it was why now? Of coarse still no
answer to that yet.
For medical reasons, I was started
on Paxil up to 30mgs. It worked for a time but then it
had stopped doing it's job so then I was put on
Neurontin. Within a week I was in the ER getting meds
to counter act the side effect (motion sickness) which
I never ever want to experience again! The next try
was Lithium up to 1200mg at night. It was tolerable
being sick for a while until they added the Wellbutrin.
That was enough! I had had it! I stopped them both my
self and blood work was done. Now I am on Depakote
and hoping that it works.
Well I did it. I told my councilor that maybe it is time to start
thinking about the hospital trip. I got really out of hand last week
and my suicidal thinking has been more often then not. I can't
believe it has taken me this long to get her to understand just how
bad I really am. Amazing when the person who is supposed to be there
for you and listen to you really hasn't been listening at all! she
said that just a week in the hospital wasn't gonna be enough. I told
her I wasn't talking a week! She finally understood what it was I
have been trying to tell her all along. When I am depressed, I'm not
only suicidal at times but I become very to extremely violent. Never
to the kids thank god! My boyfriend takes the brunt of it all! He
will even egg me on so to speak until it is out of my system. I fill
up like a balloon with rage and I burst finally like a balloon with
no control over what I do. That is way too scary in a house with
kids! I don't know if any of you understand or can relate to any of
this, but this is my hell I am living in. I am in constant fear of my
self. Always wondering what the next level of extreme will be. How
do they expect any one to live like that? My blood work came back. My
blood count is still low. So they are still gonna wait before they
try any other mood stabilizer, but for now it is the Zyprexa and I
can't go any higher then 2.5mg cause it works like a tranquilizer as
it is right now. So I am basically walking on very thin ice with my
self. One very wrong move and I won't wait any more! every one says
oh it takes time. Well time is the one thing this ticking time bomb
doesn't have! I shouldn't have to live in constant fear of my self!
You can probably call this post my story about living with this god
awful disorder. It's taken the real me away and replaced it with this
monster that I am now. I feel like the real me has been put into some
other body with a cage in it so that I can't have any control.
Welcome to my world! When I don't know who I am any more!