"One person has found solace in her faith"cathi greer [catpurple@bipolarworld.net]


Here is a short article I have written about some of my struggles. If you are interested. It will be published on christianmirror.com the first of the year. 

Chaos By Cathi M. Greer 12/10/00 

Chasing a life style of Spending, running away, video games, drinking, drugs, speeding, compulsive eating, anorexia, bulimia, driving without a drivers licenses, looking for the next high. Living for the next thrill. Addicted to chaos. My life was in a state of pandemonium for many years. Chaos pervaded all aspects of my existence. Satan had control of me. I did not care who I walked on or whom I hurt I was all that mattered. 

Some of the chaos was created by my mental illness. Manic Depression created a chemical imbalance that contributed to my chaotic live style. I never learned boundaries. My life was your life your life was mine. My behavior was out of control majority of the first 2/3 of my life. Henceforth it created havoc for my family. In my family I was the barometer determining how far the level of chaos would reach. 

When the tension would get to the unbearable level, I would get ill. I would usually end up in the hospital. I was hospitalized every year for 20 years of our marriage. I was always expecting something to go wrong. Chaos found us like a needle to a magnet. A tragedy would befall us. I’m not talking about everyday struggles; massive problems would find us. 

We experienced scores of crises such as losing our home of many years, death of a nephew, loss of a grandchild, major illness one after another. These tragedies were always excuses to blame God not live a life of faith and obedience. I lived and believed that life moved around me. I was the center of attention at what ever cost. I was my own god. It was I that mattered; no one could convince me otherwise. If the devil walked up to me I do not think I would have been afraid, I felt I could scare him. 

God had no place in my life. I was my own god. God humbled me through the one person who I would listen to, my son. My children had not an easy life with a mother who was ALWAYS ill and an “in your face” type attitude. My son was always the one who I leaned on, more so than my husband, Steve. I had talked my son about a situation regarding his son, my grandson. I was extremely jealous. I felt like I was not being allowed in my grandsons’ life, only I mattered, I had become upset about this situation. I received an e-mail about this situation that I had blown out of proportion. He told me that life did not always revolve around me and that I needed to not dwell on problems. He also brought up things he needed to discuss from his teen years. 

The e-mail was a letter of love form God “with skin on”. Since that letter God has opened so many doors to afford me to see life at a different level. He, the Father, told me he loves me and He will provide for all our needs. (Philippians 4:19) Today I live in God’s control. Most days I take more steps forward than I do backward. It would be the easy way out to continue to live the other way. 

Today I have learned about choices. I choose to follow God’s path instead of my own. There will be times of struggle. We all have times of struggles, but we do have to wallow in them. God says bring your troubles to me and I will give you rest. (Psalms 23) God’s peace is available to all of us. If we seek Him, He will reveal Himself to us, all we have to do is knock and the door will be opened. Ask and the answer will be there. Seek and we will find. (Matthew 7:7) Through God all things great and small will be made clear and just. He is the deliver of all. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. (Philippians 4:13)