Ryan's Story

EMAIL Ryan HERE
 

Six years ago, I had everything I could ever want—a happy marriage, a good job and we had just purchased our first home.  Amazingly and unfortunately, in less than a year that drastically changed.
 
I was a military public affairs officer in Texas.  My job required long hours and frequent, long trips away from home.  My first Southwest Asia deployment came on the heals of a four-month training stint on the East Coast.  That marked eight months of our second year of marriage spent apart. 


My wife had a very difficult time handling the time  apart.  She was often inconsolable.  Between work and trying to comfort her, I was under a lot of stress. At some point I became depressed.
 

Then while serving in the Saudi Arabia, I began to feel strange.  Everything difficult became easy.  A multitude of sounds, like the wind, fell into a rhythmic pattern.  Colors, light, numbers and language formed exhilaratingly intricate patterns intertwined by connections, or a common thread of meaning.  I was manic for the first time.
 
Despite embarrassing myself with overzealous, rambling emails, my illness managed to go unnoticed until I arrived home in Texas.  My wife noticed the change in me immediately and had me take a self-test for bipolar disorder.  I answered “yes” to almost every question, but yet I denied that there was anything wrong.  Still, I appeased her by going to the doctor.
 
There wasn’t a psychiatrist on the base, so I went to see a general practice physician. This was the worst mistake I made.  He could tell that I had been under a lot of stress and had been down, so he prescribed me Zoloft. The antidepressant sent my mania through the roof.  A couple of days later, at my protestation, I was hospitalized.
 
My first experience in a military hospital was a memorable one.  I was so paranoid that I thought I was part of a military experiment designed to test my loyalty and/or prepare me for advancement.  I thought doctors and the other patients were actors paid to represent abstract inner feelings of mine.
 

I was in psychosis.
 
I was treated with Ativan originally to calm me down, then Zyprexa or Olanzipine was added and Ativan was dropped.  It’s funny to me, I recall  writing a song praising Zyprexa while I was there.  Little did I know what problems it would cause for me.
 
I entered the hospital at 200 pounds.  Six weeks later I was 240.  Depakote was added to the Zyprexa shortly after leaving the hospital.  With the two weight-gaining drugs tag teaming me, I was nearly  300 pounds before the year was over.
 
 Worst of all, during my time in the hospital I was terrible to my wife. Psychosis caused me to believe that my wife and I were not meant to be together. The reality behind that was, I was bitter at her for sending me to the hospital when I had been so supportive of her.  She told me she would stand behind me no matter what.  I told her I wanted a divorce.   We separated.
 

In the months that followed discharge from the military, my thinking cleared enough that I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I could not convince her that the manic Ryan did not represent  my true feelings. We divorced in late 2000.
 
I went into a deep depression.  I returned home to the Midwest and immediately went back to work, but the depression and combination of Olanzipine  and Depakote dulled my mind and ruined my concentration.  I slept as much as 16 hours a day during that period, often not bothering to shower or shave before going to work.  For hours I would stare at my computer screen and accomplish nothing.
 
A new doctor led me to Lithium for the first time.  He slowly tapered me off both Olanzipine and Depakote, and in a short time I felt like a new man. I lost 80 pounds to begin approaching my old weight and I felt new energy and drive at the office.  Unfortunately, that proved too good to be  true.
 
By December of 2001, I was experiencing full-blown mania again.  The lithium had not been enough to cap my high moods and they bubbled over.  I was hospitalized for a third time.  Risperidone was added to my med regimen.
 
Over the next three years, we tried Quetiapine (Seroquel), Olanzipine again, Depakote again and Buspirone without success.  I continued to experience frequent manias with intermittent depression.  All told, I went through fourjobs in four different states in just a few years.  Finally, I moved home with my mother, and started going to the local VA hospital for treatment.
 
During that time, we have tried Ziprasidone (Geodon) and Topamax, both without success.  Only in the last few months have my moods stabilized for the first time on a combination of Lithium, Aripiprazole and Lamotrigine.
 
It’s been a long hard road.  After six hospitalizations, lost jobs and damaged relationships, it can take quite a toll on a person.  But I’m on a military pension now, and I have the opportunity and time to find something I want to do.  It’s an opportunity to find real meaning again.  I hope to resume my  career writing and  editing.

 

 


Article of Faith

"One person has found solace in her faith"cathi greer [catpurple@bipolarworld.net]


Here is a short article I have written about some of my struggles. If you are interested. It will be published on christianmirror.com the first of the year. 

Chaos By Cathi M. Greer 12/10/00 

Chasing a life style of Spending, running away, video games, drinking, drugs, speeding, compulsive eating, anorexia, bulimia, driving without a drivers licenses, looking for the next high. Living for the next thrill. Addicted to chaos. My life was in a state of pandemonium for many years. Chaos pervaded all aspects of my existence. Satan had control of me. I did not care who I walked on or whom I hurt I was all that mattered. 

Some of the chaos was created by my mental illness. Manic Depression created a chemical imbalance that contributed to my chaotic live style. I never learned boundaries. My life was your life your life was mine. My behavior was out of control majority of the first 2/3 of my life. Henceforth it created havoc for my family. In my family I was the barometer determining how far the level of chaos would reach. 

When the tension would get to the unbearable level, I would get ill. I would usually end up in the hospital. I was hospitalized every year for 20 years of our marriage. I was always expecting something to go wrong. Chaos found us like a needle to a magnet. A tragedy would befall us. I’m not talking about everyday struggles; massive problems would find us. 

We experienced scores of crises such as losing our home of many years, death of a nephew, loss of a grandchild, major illness one after another. These tragedies were always excuses to blame God not live a life of faith and obedience. I lived and believed that life moved around me. I was the center of attention at what ever cost. I was my own god. It was I that mattered; no one could convince me otherwise. If the devil walked up to me I do not think I would have been afraid, I felt I could scare him. 

God had no place in my life. I was my own god. God humbled me through the one person who I would listen to, my son. My children had not an easy life with a mother who was ALWAYS ill and an “in your face” type attitude. My son was always the one who I leaned on, more so than my husband, Steve. I had talked my son about a situation regarding his son, my grandson. I was extremely jealous. I felt like I was not being allowed in my grandsons’ life, only I mattered, I had become upset about this situation. I received an e-mail about this situation that I had blown out of proportion. He told me that life did not always revolve around me and that I needed to not dwell on problems. He also brought up things he needed to discuss from his teen years. 

The e-mail was a letter of love form God “with skin on”. Since that letter God has opened so many doors to afford me to see life at a different level. He, the Father, told me he loves me and He will provide for all our needs. (Philippians 4:19) Today I live in God’s control. Most days I take more steps forward than I do backward. It would be the easy way out to continue to live the other way. 

Today I have learned about choices. I choose to follow God’s path instead of my own. There will be times of struggle. We all have times of struggles, but we do have to wallow in them. God says bring your troubles to me and I will give you rest. (Psalms 23) God’s peace is available to all of us. If we seek Him, He will reveal Himself to us, all we have to do is knock and the door will be opened. Ask and the answer will be there. Seek and we will find. (Matthew 7:7) Through God all things great and small will be made clear and just. He is the deliver of all. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. (Philippians 4:13) 

 


 

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