My name is Cinnamon and I am 33 years old. I was diagnosed in 2002 with Bipolar 2,  but when I look back I see I had it quite a few years before that.
 
I always knew I was a little different than my friends. One day I felt like I  could conquer the world then the next I was so depressed I couldn't stand to be around myself.
 
My first recollection of having bipolar was when I was 12. It was at a funeral  for my Dads great friend and I happened to be in a mania state of mind. Well it  didn't go over well with my Mom and I remember her telling me to calm down, I was  embarrassing the family. I was crushed! WHAT! I am just being me? I didn't know  how  to be anyway else.   (FYI ..at the time we didn't know I was BP, and my Mom would never have said that  to me if she knew..she is my biggest supporter...)
 
My next red flag was when I was with my ex-fiance. I met him at 15 and we broke up  when I was 22.   We drank alot together (all or nothing) we fought and we had a lot of sex. (which  was another part of bipolar i wasn't aware of)   One night after a drunken stupor we got into a serious fight. He looked at me  and told me I was crazy and he pitied the man I would end up with.   Once again WHAT? Was I that bad? I thought I was fun to be around! In my mind  (mania) I was the perfect catch!   He used to always say to me I was different and no body could possibly love me..blah blah blah.....so at 22 kicked his butt out! SEE YA!
 
Partied hard for 2 years after the seperation. Drugs, promiscuous sex (protected)  and lots of alcohol. Weird thing during that time all though I was around alot of  people and supposively having fun I felt so alone and detached it was scary.
 
When I first turned 24 I had a bad experience with a drug and it scared me so I  figured that was not the way I was going to go out of this world! That wasn't me  the girl I had turned into...so I quit everything! Alcohol, drugs, sex, partying!  (except cigarettes)   I became very spiritual and calmed my soul right down.
 
I met my future husband that year. He was tall, dark and handsome and boy I fell  for him fast! He was so calm and nice. Something I wasn't used to.  I remember him talking to my Mom on the telephone (few months into us dating) and  he was saying how he was going to marry me one day. Mom told him she had to let  him know I go from extremely high to extremely low and she felt he needed to know it can be tough some days.  That kinda hurt me at the time, but still we didn't know I had it yet.  My husband didn't care. He loved me for me and he would do anything to help me.
 
We got married in 2001 (4years after we met) and we are still together. He is  very patient with me and is so understanding. I am very lucky that way! I thank God for him daily!
 
It was the year after i got married when I was diagnosed. I denied it for 3 years.  Coming off my meds the second i felt better..then crashing...back on my meds  again..then crashing lower..it was a vicious cycle.   I met my disability counselor and she explained to me everytime I came off my  meds and I dropped to a new low it was that much harder for the medication to  bring me back to the original me...that scared me I didn't want to lose me  forever..so I  have been faithfully taking my meds for over a year! Huge  accomplishment for me.
 
This is a long road and like someone else said a roller coaster ride but I know we  can manage it. Some how, some way we just have to believe in ourselves and our  support systems around us. Especially on the hard days!!!
 
Sure I miss my highs since being on my meds but the good thing is my suicidal  thoughts are nothing like they used to be and my mood swings are way more  manageable.
 
 So there is hope! There's always Hope!
 
I will leave you with this...I know how hard it is to stop the suicidal  thoughts....BUT PLEASE CALL ANYONE you can to help you through it! Hard to do in  that moment I know but it really does work!! Trust in the ones you love...they are  there for you! The last thing in the world they want is to lose you forever! and  no matter  what... one person out there adores you!
 
 Hope, Love and Stength
 
 Cinnamon
 

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