My childhood was anything but normal. My parents, both consumed with
their own disorder's abused me and my siblings constantly. That is why,
when I became a teenager and first experienced panic attacks, flashbacks,
surging energy and draining depressions I figured it was normal to be going
through hell...after all hadn't I barely survived a childhood full of pain?
But no matter how much therapy or anti-depresants or support groups I
attended the gigantic mood swings, agitation and paranoia wouldn't let up.
In fact, following my daughter's birth more then six years ago, I became
severely depressed. All I could seem to do was sit in front of the TV and
eat. My now-ex-husband was overwhelmed by this bizzare situation. Here he
was stuck with an immovable wife who didn't care whether she lived or died
and an infant daughter who had horrible colic. To his credit he stuck it
out, caring for her every moment he was home and leaving her in the care of
his parents when he'd leave for work while all I could do was sleep, eat and
watch TV...hopeing I'd just melt away into the furniture.
Then one day, when she was four months old I woke up fine. Happy and glad
that I was now feeling "normal", for five weeks I was the perfect wife and
mother. I spent long hours cooking and baking, reorganized our entire home
and took my daughter on long walks in the surrounding area. During this
time my daughter had several health problems that required us to take her
into Children's Hospital, but nothing could stand in the way of my euphoric
sense that all was right with the world.
But just as suddenly I fell off the other side of the energetic, happy
state of what I know now was hypomania and became terrifyingly agitated and
paranoied. I became convinced that I was a danger to my own daughter--in my
delusions I was sure I needed to adopt her out as horrible visions of
violence swarmed over me day in and day out. Every moment that my
daughter's father was out of the house became torture.
Eventually we sought help from a Psychologist. Up until this point I
thought maybe I had multiple personalities or PTSD or severe
depression--many therapists had gone along with this view, prescribing
endless psychotherapy and behavioral modification techniques. But this new
Clinical-Psychologist said, after I described my fears along with a new
development (wild spending sprees where I'd buy whole closets full of
clothes or an entire set of new make-up) that I was Bipolar and promptly put
me on Tegretol. This worked so well it terrified me and I only stayed on it
for six weeks or so after which I became immovibly depressed again.
It would take another five years, a divorce and the loss of my daughter
before I got a correct diagnoses again and began to truly accept that this
disease had cost me so much that it was time to face it head on. In the
interim I saw four more therapists who never suspected, or if they did never
said, that I have a biological disorder that required strong medication in
order to control. Finally, while in a Transitional Housing arrangement
through the local mental health center the case workers were able to mirror
back to me what the depression, agitation, mania and paranoia really looked
like. At first I was afraid that if I admitted I had Bipolar then maybe if
the medication didn't work I'd be stuck being crazy. But when my entire
team, therapist, doctor and case manager, got together and compared notes it
was clear that a combination of medication and ongoing talk-therapy is what
will work best for me.
I'm now on Depakote, Zyprexa and Prozac. It's only been about a month
since things have been stable. My life has changed a lot since facing this
reality. I took the initiative to study up on the diagnoses and truly
understanding really has eased my mind. Suddenly I can concentrate well
enough to go back to school and finish my AA degree--something I've been
working on for three years now. My relationships are easier and more clear
after I've been able to explain some of my more bizarre behavior by
educating my close friends and family about this disorder. And for the
first time I have more hope for the future then dispair and more peace then
chaos!
Feel free to contact me with any questions, Elise
kingelise@hotmail.com |
|
|