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It's like a dream you know. You wake up and it feels surreal and it's gone and you just remember strange hints of it. It's so easy to forget, it's a strange trick that memory plays on us.

And you wake up and you wonder where you were the night before and you roll over and you look around and you realize it's reality and you almost wish you were asleep again. At least when youíre asleep you can stop watching your back for a bit.
It's weird, that you can feel safer under a bridge at 3am with some homies who probably sniff glue and smoke crack, and you know one of them had a bad trip a few years ago and never recovered and another one is a sex worker and she's too young to be doing it and the last guy your not sure about but he seems ok and he looks a bit drunk and he's passed out and you know their not gonna hurt you, ever,... no matter what, coz your here with them now when it matters, ....not another faceless mother----er who walks past without caring or blinking.

And then your at an office in the middle of the day and your manager is yelling at you to hurry up and finish that dead line and the politics of the day lead someone to view you as a target so you have to defend yourself,  and the work is due and you're a little bit behind schedule - but your working on it, and you know you'll get it done if they'll just get out of your face for a bit,  and leave you alone ..... but at the same time you wanna socialize and be a part of the human relationships in the office and theres not really that much to it ... and at least when your on the streets at 3am your manager isn't screaming at you again coz you ---- up again.

And then your dreaming coz you've fallen asleep and it's late, and you don't know what your dreaming, but your not twitching, and your not muttering and your not crying and maybe your happier dreaming than awake and you don't really want to wake up, you wanna stay in the dream coz at least you can imagine when your awake that maybe you were happier there ... but you know you get nightmares as often as you get good dreams so it probably works out about as even as everything else - and it's just how it is.  You never asked to be born - it just kinda happened and now it's a little bit ---- up but your trying to fix it, and you've gotta stop dreaming and keep in reality if you wanna do that ...  so you think about how to fix it all and you try and as you try, ... you sit in the office, and the guy across the hall who seems to have some kind of personality disorder just can't stop trying to tear you down in order to raise himself, and he brown noses the boss ... and you sit there and you just think to yourself if this is life this ---- sucks and you think you'd rather be at home.

Then when your sitting with the g's at 3am your thinking to yourself man this aint the life even as their saying to themselves this is the life,  coz they've got nothing better to look forward to ever, and they know you can go home and get into your comfy bed and forget it all and when you're at the office you look around at your co workers and they say this is the life, coz they don't know any better and they don't really understand, but to them it's all they know and they value it and they think it's a better life style choice but really hanging with the g's is so much less stressful....but you don't want that either, all you want to do is dream and you don't want to wake up coz when you wake up you cry and it hurts and life sucks and thatís not your fault - its just the way it happened.  You can try and fight it but it won't make any difference so you get up and you put your shoes on and you put your pants on and you iron your shirts and you wash your clothing and you go to the office and you work for a while typing away like it's the life and it's the best ever but it's not really the best ever and they can't really explain why not...... but you've seen outside of that and you know thereís more to life. You just don't know what it is,  and you just want to keep dreaming. It's starting to hurt a little bit, but you never asked for it to hurt, and you just want to go back to sleep and not wake up coz you feel safer with the homies who'd stab another mother----er for glancing at them the wrong way. At least they're honest and they don't twist and stab in the back like the mother----ers at the office, at least if you understand their terms, they'll treat you as one of them.... even though they know you go home to clean sheets and a nice bed and they know you dream ... but they dream too when they sleep, and they dream when they sniff glue and they dream when they smoke crack and they dream when they lie to you and tell you they owe the dude $50 and can you lend them some money ... and you lend them fifteen bucks and they go off and spend it on cask wine. Just don't wake me up next time ok.


Thereís always a little bit of hope mixed in with the pain and it really does get better sometimes, you shouldn't always be down hon, be happy ... you know I guess Iím talking to no one but at the same time Iím talking to all of you who actually bother to read this....this isn't brilliant or anything this is just the truth is all. Yeah life does get hard at times, but if it was easy maybe it wouldn't be worthwhile. We're alive for a reason and I don't know what that is,  but when I figure it out I promise Iíll tell you all, just please hold on till then ok?

You know I guess they thought it was cool when they said "hey check out this shit" and you know you kinda explored it a bit ...  and I guess maybe it hurt after a bit ... perhaps if it hurts you weren't meant to be doing it, so Iíd give you a big hug if I could, but I know you're too far away and you'll never come that close.   I guess that's a part of what makes it so complicated, but if you were still around here Iíd give you a big hug and tell you not to coz it's really not worth it, there's still beauty in the world that you haven't experienced. You're young still hon and you haven't had so many important and wonderful experiences in life.... those are still to come and you know it will get better, I promise, ok?

And if it doesn't you can come hassle me as much as you want and I promise Iíll give you a's not worth it anyways, stop it while you can otherwise it becomes a part of you and maybe it doesn't go away and that's a sucky option.  I guess you know who you are ... you're all of you who will ever read this who have thought about that, and please don't... coz it's really not a good option and I mean,  yeah I understand that it hurts, and you know how much it hurts, but well its worse when everyone else wonders why and they all think it's their fault and maybe if they'd said or done something differently....

Well you know I dun really know what to say, but if you need a hug anyways message me sometime and Iíll hook you up with *hugs* and I know it isn't as good as the real thing and I know you need something better but what can I do apart from empathize with the pain and want to make it stop - and the truth is I don't really know how to make my own stop,  but there are good bits in the time between, there are the sweet moments like when your sitting in the park and the wind is blowing and your laughing with your friends and you know it just feels perfect, try and remember those times when you feel like that, and try to find what makes you happy with life, and even if society seems to say that its not the way, listen to your heart and say ---- you to society

Well maybe that's the wrong advice I donít know, but you know I care about all of you as much as I humanly can, when your down find the ones that'll give you a hug and try to cheer you up, and when your up, have fun with nice people and do things that make you feel nice


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