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My biological father raped my mom at age of 18. It was what we now call date rape. She ended up marrying this alcoholic abusive man. He beat her frequently and I guess I am lucky to be here. She has gone through 3 more abusive relationships, 2 of which were mental abuse. As a young child I remember my first stepfather having my Mom by her hair with a gun on her. I remember allot of times us walking and him driving along trying to get us in the car. My second stepfather was emotionally handicapped. I never received any hugs, I love yous nor did my Mom. He ended up adopting me. All my life I craved and needed love from a man.

When I was little I slept with a butter knife under my pillow because I thought someone was after me. This thinking stayed with me until my 20's. I did go to a counselor when I was 9 but I don't know what they told my Mom nor does she remember now. When I hit my teens I became more promiscuous with sex although I didn't have sex with that many guys I thought I was in love with them and they would save me from life. They were going to love me the way I needed them to love me. They were only teen-age boys out for what they could get. I was date raped and let these guys treat me life crap.

I had gotten stronger when I met my first husband and we got along ok until he became a state policeman then our family fell apart. At this time, we had 2 small children. We divorced after 7 years of marriage and having dated 4 years before we married. This was so damaging to my ego and my hopes. I had always said I didn't want to be like my Mom. I didn't want the divorce but he make it unbearable and made sure that I knew he didn't want to be married to me anymore.

My second marriage was a fluke. I need to say this was a rebound thing. I married very quickly after my first divorce. He was a good man but he had a schizophrenic son who wanted what his father had, me. It fell to his father to take care of him even though he was 18. I couldn't have him around my small children. We divorced after a year.

My third marriage was to a man who was a selfish, mentally abusive pig. He cheated on me almost from the start of our relationship. We were married for 10 years. I put up with it that long. I didn't want another divorce. I kept believing that he wouldn't do it again. I found pics of him and another woman. My life was a living hell. I started to change at this time. I lost all respect for myself as well as the respect of my children.

I had a nervous breakdown. I was first diagnosed with major depression and then later when I had shown some risqué sexual behavior that my counselor knew was not me and was encouraged by my husband, I was diagnosed with bipolar.

This was about six years into the marriage. We stayed together for four more years. He was not supportive of course. He was a very selfish individual.

Ever since then I am what I am. I am a very unhappy, depressed person. I have few good days. I don't remember the last time I was happy.

I have been hospitalized once overnight. My first pdoc has left and I am on my second one. I am still trying to get a handle on her.

My son was just diagnosed with depression and I am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't get bp.

Well that's my story and I am sticking to it.


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