Jennifer's Story - email Jennifer

I am 27 years old and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1. I have been battling this mental state for over 10 years now. When I was 15 I tried to kill my self by taking to many aspirins when I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning thinking “why didn’t anything happen to me” Sometimes I think I do things just to do them or to get attention. I have been having symptoms that I wasn’t mentally stable when I was about 17 going into college. I knew that college was gong to be hard but fun at the same time. College and I didn’t agree. I didn’t want to go to classes was bored just sitting there, my mind wouldn’t stop racing.

I went to college for almost 2 years and got a total of 18 credits. wow I was wasting my time. I beat my self up emotionally about everything that has happened to me and how it has affected my family. It seems like every-time I would mess up my life my family would fix it and that would be the end of it. They were not aware of my condition or neither was I. I thought that I just didn’t care enough about my self or family. I was raised by my Mom,dad,sister (which is younger), grandmother and Grandfather. Everyone’s always knew what was going on with you. That kind of pressure I couldn’t handle.

I didn’t know when someone was being nice. I thought mostly everything said to me was a criticism. My thought patterns would calm down a little when I would smoke weed. But when I would come down the problems were still there. It’s like no matter what I did I couldn’t snap out of it. I had no answers to my self or family and friends on why I was acting or doing things. I would do something and not even know why the reason for doing it was. My mind would play tricks on me. Thinking I was hearing people talk to me. I could hear their voices, but I’m the only one to hear them.

This didn’t happen all the time. I finally was getting tired of this routine. I didn’t want to go through the “cycle” or family and friends. My family just recently are finding out how bad my “cycles” really are. i am a master in hiding myself,feelings, thoughts. I can easily just erase something from my mind like it never happened. Hide behind myself. I
don’t want to run anymore. As the years went by I started to notice the symptoms of the “cycle” starting and I knew that everything was going to change for the worst until the “cycle” would stop. Which in my case I don’t think they ever stop they just “calm Down”. I would either not have a job, my car insurance would be canceled, i wouldn’t be paying my bills(lien and saying I was), my personal life would be a mess, my family would distrust me again, I would go in and out of depression, just didn’t care about the consequences. These “cycles” I go through effect every part of my life. When I’m going through this”cycle’ it is hard for me to tell myself, family and friends what is really going on with me.

It’s like I get so scared i hold everything inside. Until i just burst then everything that has been going on with me comes out. Then I feel worse because the truth has been let out. Why am I like that? Is that a part of my illness. How that be fixed? I’m scared to be on medicine
for the rest of my life. I think i am the point in my life that i can NOT go through these:cycles” anymore. I am completely drained. Tired of the same bullshit. It’s like can all the things that has happened in my life so
could of I prevented them? I don’t even know. Actually I lied I do know I could of Got HELP. I am not working that much now and gong nuts. i am used to either working too much.

It’s like when the “cycle” begins I’m working excessively and towards the middle to end of “cycle” I’m not working as much my life is fucked up. I’m haunted by me pass all the time. It seems like I can never forget about all the bad the things that I have done. Hard to focus on the good I have done in my life at this point.It’s like everyone says don’t focus on the bad but I can’t stop do that. It seems when I’m at my low I am reminded about my pass or someone reminders me of it. Nothing can ever be forgotten. THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE HOW i CAN DWELL AND NOT FOCUS ON THE PRESENT. Why is it hard for me to see the good. It’s so weird because when I am not in this “cycle” I Can see good.

I don’t want these “cycles” to have power over my life anymore. I mean it’s get so frustrating having to apologize all the time. I say sorry so much that sometimes it’s not even my fault and I say sorry. I have to live a regular life. Everything is not my fault. I have been going through this
“cycle” since DEC.16 2004. it is now Feb. 28. Within this “ cycle” I have lost my job haven’t been living home in over a month, bills are piling, my depressions are staying longer, only working one day a week, feel
uncomfortable within myself.

On a good note I am staying with a very understanding and helpful friend, I am GETTING HELP for Myself, my family is being understanding about my
“mental state” and on Thursday I am seeing doctor to get medicine to stop these f***ing “cycles”. I think I am on the right path. I just hope I stay with it. I’m so scared of going through these “cycles” again. I’m looking forward to starting new.

My life is going to be completely different after be balanced. It’s so hard for me to have to except that I’m not balanced. But No-ONE did this to me I was born this way. I have to remember that. My family wants to understand my mental condition. I want them too but, nervous about how that will help me. Will they change because they will try to understand this condition. I owe that much to understand why I have no answers why events have happened in my life. They love me unconditionally.

That’s hard for me to believe sometime because all the pain and fuck ups I have made so far. But I don’t want to Dwell on the past because it makes me depressed. I know i can’t change anything that i have done, but they just may understand a little more being educated about bi-polar disorder.i can’t wait to feel the change within my life. i need help to get my life together. I have finally excepted that I will have to take medicine to help my to live a “normal’ life. I’m scared of the changes I’m going to got through and how it will effect everyone around me. But this is the answer it is going to help every aspect of my life. I will eventually feel comfortable with myself jennifer Christi bradfield. I am so looking forward to that.Waiting is the hardest.


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