As I look back
on my life, I never understood. How is it that one man could have
all these life experiences at 37? Was it really possible for one man to
go through all these wonderful things, and at the same time live in a nightmare?
My story began
a long time ago. My Mother left me at the age of two, with my Father remarrying
soon after. I never saw my Mother again until I was sixteen. Probably the
first of many "wild rides" from this dreadful disease.
was one of alcoholism and violence. Both my Father and my Stepmother had
no way to control me. I guess they figured the best way to do that would
be to drink and then just find something to beat on. Although I still have
no memory of this, my neighbor would later tell me that there were many
times I would show up on their doorsteps bloodied and bruised. I guess
I must have just blocked it out.
At the age
of sixteen, my Mother had contacted me and wanted to see me. I agreed,
and left for Ohio to visit. She told me she was on her third marriage and
that I had two sisters from her last marriage, as well as a brother from
her current one. Her current husband was an alcoholic, as well as a deadbeat
as far as I was concerned. I did however spend some time there and enjoyed
it as much as I possibly could. I then returned home to Rochester, NY and
continued the "wonderful" childhood. About three weeks later, my Father
had once again told me I was not going out of the house for some reason.
I told him, "whatever, I will just go to Ohio and live with my mother"
I then proceeded to run away in the 10 degree weather. I went to the bank
and withdrew all the money I had saved from working in the summer and bought
a ticket to Cleveland. Oh yes, and still had money for the ONE HOUR cab
ride to her house. I arrived and she proceeded to send me home again.
My final days
of High School were pretty good. I was Class President for two years. I
was basically a pretty popular kid. I guess I just got along with everyone.
It was then that I met my wife. She worked in the grocery store where I
was employed. I then decide to go into the Army where I was a Military
Policeman. When I was 19, I was so lonely, I told her to come live with
me. Her mother hated me. But she did come down and the following year,
we were married. I was then told that I was being sent to Germany, and
that I would have to sign up for three more years if I wanted to take my
wife. So I did. At this point, things began to get worse. I started to
get involved in drugs and experimented with cocaine. I also began to stray
from my wife. I slept with some women whose name I do not even know, and
did not come home for 2 nights.
I then went
into work and was given a surprise urinalysis test, which came up positive
for cocaine. I was about to thrown out of the military. By some unusual
circumstance, they had to recall all the tests, and I was cleared of all
charges after I was discharged.
I then went
to work in Security at the University. I also strayed from my wife again.
This time the excuse I used was that she was pregnant. Once my son was
born, things calmed down a bit. I was accepted into the Sheriffs Dept.
I graduated 1st in the academy. I was on a roll. Then things really fell
I began hanging
out late at night. I got involved with a woman who told me she was pregnant
by me and that if I didnít leave my wife she would kill both of us. Imagine
that, threatening a Police Officer. Well she wasnít pregnant, and I went
back to my wife. Meanwhile, I had spent thousands and the well was running
dry. At this point I just up and left my wife. With no place to go, I stayed
here and there and finally got an apartment I then started dating a woman
who attempted to kill herself over me because I told her I didnít want
to see her again. So guess what I did? You guessed it, I moved in with
her. Of course I had to make sure I slept with her best friend first. After
several breakups with this woman, I decided to marry her. What a wedding
we planned. 20,000 worth of wedding. My best friend flew in from Detroit.
What a time we were going to have!!! There was only one problem. I wasnít
divorced yet. Although we had been separated for three years, they still
needed to be signed. So the wedding go off and we go on a lovely honeymoon
of fighting and arguing. My moods at that point were completely out of
We came back
and I was told by Internal Affairs that they needed to see me. When I went
in they told me they were going to charge me with a number of things. Bigamy,
fraud, you name it. My new wife had turned me in, and never even discussed
it with me. I came home and my belongings were on the porch. I was homeless,
and jobless. My father came and picked up the pieces. I stayed for a short
period of time at his house, where I lost 45lbs in 4 weeks. My head was
racing at a million miles an hour. The mental abuse from my family didnít
friend that I had known for some time called and said I could become a
roommate with her. Over the next few months, I completely took advantage
of the situation. I had a couple of jobs to cover the rent and was walking
to wherever I needed to be. I had no car, nor have I had one for the last
6 years. I always took advantage of the situation when I needed to. CREATIVITY.
The woman I lived with had romantic feelings toward me, however there were
no feelings from me. I actually brought someone home with me one night.
What a scene that was. I started hanging out with strippers and the drug
use continued, but it never seemed to get out of hand. I sporadically saw
my son, and paid child support occasionally.
I then was
offered a position with the US Government. I said, this is where I can
turn my life around. I of course did not tell the truth about my qualifications,
but was given the job anyway. I was to a Financial Analyst. I was sent
to California for the earthquake in 1994 to loan money to businesses to
damaged businesses. They also gave me a Credit card with no limit. What
a mistake that was! Another lavish spending spree in the thousands. Well
I then took another position with a bank after I lost that job. I was doing
quite well and then another bad relationship. The added stress caused me
to quit one day on the spot. At thi9s point my girlfriend had left and
taken everything with her. I had nothing once again. I had 100.00 left
in my pocket, so I took a bus back to New York. My father once again picked
me up, I stayed with him and the same woman I had once lived with before
asked me to come back for financial reasons. I had owed her money and she
said I could live here if I paid her back. So I took a job at Ballys as
a personal Trainer. Didnít have the slightest clue what to do, but I learn
fast. I walked 8 miles a day to and from work in blinding snowstorms. I
also worked out an additional 4 hours. The energy level was just too high.
It still wasnít enough. I also lost that job.
The final chapter
began at the beginning of the year. There are several other episodes that
I could talk about, but you get the idea. I took a position at a local
company selling computer hardware. I knew Nothing about hardware, but due
to my creativity, I was able to get the position I became successful was
again, very quickly. I also made a lot of money, fast. I met a waitress
in a strip club. We eventually started dating. I sent her 13 dozen roses
in thirteen weeks (not too manic!) I then moved in with her. I was also
offered another position at another company. I had met the President at
a local bar and he offered me the job, practically on the spot. I lasted
a whole two months there. That alone is a story in itself. Pretending to
be someone I wasnít. Well of course there was no money left (I had moved
in with her after only 3 months of dating) I told her I would place a substantial
amount of money into her account. Of course I hadn't a penny. Well she
eventually found out and threw me into the street. This time was different
though. All the people that had been in my life were fed up with me, including
my family. I sat in a coffee shop and thought I have a real problem. Why
do I act like this? My head was racing so fast, I just wanted all this
to go away. So I checked myself into the hospital. I am now on Social Security
and bought my Christmas dinner with food stamps. I have been diagnosed
with BPll. I have been on medication for about two weeks. I have to rebuild
my entire life. I had no ID when I went to the hospital. I have nothing
but a roof over my head and constant visions of my past.
I could go
on and on about all the things I have accomplished or destroyed in my life,
but I am sure you have heard enough. I hope this story will help at least
one lost soul in this world. I have a long way to go, but I will tell you
one thing, I will never give up. I will not let this disease get the best
of me anymore. It has taken enough of my life. I want to keep the rest.