My
name is Kim and im 27 years old. I was born in a small town in California
called Vallejo. I have no recognition of it since my
mother
left the state before or
shortly
after my first Birthday. Most of my memories come from Texas
where i was raised. At age 8 is when i first have recognition
of
getting what i now know was
mixed
emotions. I remember going to a family reunion at my Aunt Margies
house
and
man there were people everywhere. Only there was one in particular
that i will never forget.Her name was Ruby. I remember her
walking
up to me and telling me how cute i was. Meanwhile I'm thinking
this women was nuts. I'd never seen her a day in my life. She
made
the statement to me and asked me when i was going home with her???
I told her i would go home and pack and be on my
way...Surprise..Surprise
Needless
did i know My Mom would actually make me go to "IDAHO"! Luckily
after crying my eyes out to my oldest sister she came to
my
rescue and went with me for support. I was there only a year but
remember having mixed thought that i wasnt wanted by my
mother
and i couldnt understand or will i ever understand "WHY"
In
1982 I was finially able to reunite with my mother coming back to Texas.
The year i returned I was really in for a surprise. I
began
dealing with things from my Grandfather that no kid should ever experience
period. Yes. The sexual abuse.If that wasn't
enough,
what little time i got to spend with my biological father has left me with
a lifetime of memories of the sexual abuse from him
too.
At age 12 my mother met her 4th husband and decided to marry. They talked
of moving to Tennessee where i live now. Having
talked
about it for a few weeks I remember my head spinning with thoughts.
I carried with me to Tennessee and extra set of
luggage
which contained the secrets of the sexual abuse swearing i would never
tell anyone. I felt so alone and so ashamed. After
getting
to Tennessee thinking the nightmare was over i began having female problems.
My mother wanted to take me to the Dr and
get
me checked out. I began to panic. She told me what they would
do in a pap smear. And all i could think was that i had to find
away
to tell mom before she found out i was no longer a virgin. So I told her
with the help of a neighbor. I was never asked if i wanted
to
see a counselor or did I ever seek help until i was age 18 on my own.
I couldnt bear to relive the story so i dropped the therapy. At
age
18 i had my first son. I was so happy thinking I finially had someone
in my life i could truly trust. A healthy Baby boy,He
was
so
perfect to me in everyway and i couldnt have asked for a better behaving
child. At age 5 it all started. He began acting out and
jumping
off school buses. He went into the hospital and they diagnosed him as
having
Depression. After being hospitalized 2 more times they diagnosed
him with BiPolar, This has been really hard since i have
never
recieved treatment myself. I now know that a Manic Depressant
which is what I was diagnosed with is the same thing as
BiPolar.Today
at 27 i fear everything normal. I fear being normal I guess. I know
I must now seek treatment to be able to help my
son.He
is on 4 diffrent medications at the present time and i keep telling myself
if he can do it i can too. But its not that easy since
medication
is one of the things i fear most. I also have a heart murmer and mitral
valve prolapse which im on no medication for. It
has
gotten to the point where i look at "TYLENOL" twice before taking it.
In 1993 i got married and had my second child in 94'.
Hoping
the road would be better I found out my daughter was legally Blind having
an eye disorder called Achromatopsia,So with
what
little sanity i have left i have dedicated it to seeking help for my kids.
I now know that its time i start helping myself,In closing if
anyone
out there would care to just talk or lend a few gentle words of advice
you can email me at the following address.
dreamchaser27@mindspring.com
Thanks
Kim,
Colleen