Ryan's Story

EMAIL Ryan HERE
 

Six years ago, I had everything I could ever want—a happy marriage, a good job and we had just purchased our first home.  Amazingly and unfortunately, in less than a year that drastically changed.
 
I was a military public affairs officer in Texas.  My job required long hours and frequent, long trips away from home.  My first Southwest Asia deployment came on the heals of a four-month training stint on the East Coast.  That marked eight months of our second year of marriage spent apart. 


My wife had a very difficult time handling the time  apart.  She was often inconsolable.  Between work and trying to comfort her, I was under a lot of stress. At some point I became depressed.
 

Then while serving in the Saudi Arabia, I began to feel strange.  Everything difficult became easy.  A multitude of sounds, like the wind, fell into a rhythmic pattern.  Colors, light, numbers and language formed exhilaratingly intricate patterns intertwined by connections, or a common thread of meaning.  I was manic for the first time.
 
Despite embarrassing myself with overzealous, rambling emails, my illness managed to go unnoticed until I arrived home in Texas.  My wife noticed the change in me immediately and had me take a self-test for bipolar disorder.  I answered “yes” to almost every question, but yet I denied that there was anything wrong.  Still, I appeased her by going to the doctor.
 
There wasn’t a psychiatrist on the base, so I went to see a general practice physician. This was the worst mistake I made.  He could tell that I had been under a lot of stress and had been down, so he prescribed me Zoloft. The antidepressant sent my mania through the roof.  A couple of days later, at my protestation, I was hospitalized.
 
My first experience in a military hospital was a memorable one.  I was so paranoid that I thought I was part of a military experiment designed to test my loyalty and/or prepare me for advancement.  I thought doctors and the other patients were actors paid to represent abstract inner feelings of mine.
 

I was in psychosis.
 
I was treated with Ativan originally to calm me down, then Zyprexa or Olanzipine was added and Ativan was dropped.  It’s funny to me, I recall  writing a song praising Zyprexa while I was there.  Little did I know what problems it would cause for me.
 
I entered the hospital at 200 pounds.  Six weeks later I was 240.  Depakote was added to the Zyprexa shortly after leaving the hospital.  With the two weight-gaining drugs tag teaming me, I was nearly  300 pounds before the year was over.
 
 Worst of all, during my time in the hospital I was terrible to my wife. Psychosis caused me to believe that my wife and I were not meant to be together. The reality behind that was, I was bitter at her for sending me to the hospital when I had been so supportive of her.  She told me she would stand behind me no matter what.  I told her I wanted a divorce.   We separated.
 

In the months that followed discharge from the military, my thinking cleared enough that I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I could not convince her that the manic Ryan did not represent  my true feelings. We divorced in late 2000.
 
I went into a deep depression.  I returned home to the Midwest and immediately went back to work, but the depression and combination of Olanzipine  and Depakote dulled my mind and ruined my concentration.  I slept as much as 16 hours a day during that period, often not bothering to shower or shave before going to work.  For hours I would stare at my computer screen and accomplish nothing.
 
A new doctor led me to Lithium for the first time.  He slowly tapered me off both Olanzipine and Depakote, and in a short time I felt like a new man. I lost 80 pounds to begin approaching my old weight and I felt new energy and drive at the office.  Unfortunately, that proved too good to be  true.
 
By December of 2001, I was experiencing full-blown mania again.  The lithium had not been enough to cap my high moods and they bubbled over.  I was hospitalized for a third time.  Risperidone was added to my med regimen.
 
Over the next three years, we tried Quetiapine (Seroquel), Olanzipine again, Depakote again and Buspirone without success.  I continued to experience frequent manias with intermittent depression.  All told, I went through fourjobs in four different states in just a few years.  Finally, I moved home with my mother, and started going to the local VA hospital for treatment.
 
During that time, we have tried Ziprasidone (Geodon) and Topamax, both without success.  Only in the last few months have my moods stabilized for the first time on a combination of Lithium, Aripiprazole and Lamotrigine.
 
It’s been a long hard road.  After six hospitalizations, lost jobs and damaged relationships, it can take quite a toll on a person.  But I’m on a military pension now, and I have the opportunity and time to find something I want to do.  It’s an opportunity to find real meaning again.  I hope to resume my  career writing and  editing.

 

 
 

 

Hello, my name is Lisa,  also known as Lee-Lisa-LeeLee in the BP chat support room. I am a chat operator the first shift on Fridays and Saturdays in the Lounge, and I am known as LeeLee in that room. 

I was born in 1972 at Brooklyn Jewish Hospital in New York because my mom was training there to become a RN. 18 months later my brother Joseph was born. When I was 4 she divorced my Bio-Dad. At the age of 7, I started to feel down. 

At age 16 I was put into a mental ward and put on Prozac and Lithium for 3 solid months. For some god awful reason, my mom (a RN) took me off meds as soon as I got out. Get this - she worked on a Mental Ward in another hospital! I spun out of control. About two months after I got out I told off my parents one night, and packed as much of my stuff as I could and moved to my newest boyfriends house.

I stayed with him for 3 years and drank and did weed as much as I could.  My parents had no idea were I was. I was spiraling and would take pen caps and scratch my arms till they bled. Four years after leaving home my parents found me and asked me to meet them for lunch.

I was then engaged to my present husband Michael.  Of course I'm thinking something's up for my mothers last words to me had been "you will never return here and I will never speak to you again."  My Dad had adopted me at age 4 and was the only father I have ever known.  When I left home he stayed in contact with me the whole time. I have never seen Bio-Dad again. I worked things out with my parents, oh by the way - I'm the oldest of 8 siblings. The others show no signs of BP except my Brother Joseph.. My youngest sibling was born in 1994.

In 1993 I got married and boy was the first year horrible, heck the first six years were horrible. We had our first baby Helene in 1995. Six months into the first pregnancy we moved to Georgia to make a better living so I could stay home with the kids. We had no family in Georgia, they all live in NY and NJ.  I had my son in 1999. My marriage was almost over at our 6 year anniversary when our second child was born.

At age 2 our son Phillip was Diagnosed ADHD and BP. But I refused meds. Until 2 years later at age 4 it was either put him on medication or he would be put into hospital (that’s how bad his BP was). He was put on meds and therapy and put into a special pre-k. He then went on to Kindergarten-transitional kindergarten. He is now in 1st grade -
transitional 1st grade, and all along has been in speech. The rages are awful. We have to hold him in a safety hold. He has gone after many people even to point where the teacher had to remove all the kids but him from classroom, because he was raging so bad. He isn't ready to be put into a normal class. That is why he is in transitional classes too.

My eldest has been diagnosed ADD and Depression with sleep apnea. She too is on medication and was diagnosed in 2003. I have Bipolar Disorder, severe anxiety,  paranoia, and sleep apnea. I'm on some medication cocktail. I had no meds from the time I left home till 3 years ago 2003. I'm a stay at home mom and the Dr. say's I am not allowed to work.

I came to find out my Bio dad was mentally ill. My brother Joseph is mentally ill and he has done some damage to others where he put them in hospital, electrocuted himself, and caused damage to properties. Then on my husband’s side 2 have mental illnesses. My husband is the 2nd oldest of 6 siblings.

So my kids got hit hard from both sides. My son will be turning 7 on Jan 11th 2006. His rages are very rare but gets mad real fast. Teachers and I speak through out the day over computer for he does things that the teachers don't know how to handle. He is in a normal elementary school. I can honestly say he keeps us on our toes 24-7 and some of the things he does are really bad both in school and at home. Many times the Dr has suggested hospital for him but I refuse. I promised him I would NEVER leave him. He and I are very close and help each other all the time. We live in the same horrible BP world together. The ones on the outside don't understand our illnesses.

Helene my soon to be 11 yr old just had huge break through (December 2005).  It took her 6 years to build up and push deep in head her depression. I'm hoping if we work real hard in therapy she can at least come off of her depression meds.

Our last child was born in 2001.  Karalynn is such a joy!  She has some delays especially with speech and she goes to the same special pre-k in the same school that Phillip went to. She shows no signs of the other disorders and is the sweetest kindest little 4 yr old.

My husband was recently put on Lexapro to help deal with Phillip's behavior problems and cycling everyday. At least he is trying!  He tries so hard to learn about Bipolar Disorder.. 

In 2004, for the first time in 12 years I started with the pen cap again. My husband went nuts, and took few days off work to follow me around the house. I got to the point where I wanted to punch him out! I had to explain to him that physical pain sometimes takes away the mental pain.  I haven't done it since and it's now Jan 2006.  

We hardly have support from my side of family but they are trying.  Husband’s side understands but it took a lot to prove to them that 2 out of 3 of our kids had a illness.

I do the best I can. My children are the air I breathe.  My husband is an awesome dad, friend, and husband now.  I guess that is what true LOVE is!  He has also met several BP friends who have come to stay with us and they too helped him to understand. 

I have worked really hard at Bipolar World to become a friend others can trust and to become a OP. This website is my family. I can't wait for you to join us and I hope to meet you soon.

 


 

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