Lostgirls' Story

 

I really don't know how I was dx'd, but it was at a very young age. I guess from my mother's side she said from the time I was born I didn't like to be held or touched and into my toddler years started throwing some pretty wild temper tantrums. Since they were very often and I guess more than a normal child's tantrum cycle she decided to get me checked out.

I remember the very first doctor I saw, I think I was 4 or 5. He was an asshat, he would put me in a corner in his office and not let my mom pay attention to me he would never let me talk which would then trigger massive tantrums. She eventually found a new doctor through the Children's Hospital and I saw him and another doctor for almost the rest of the time I was living at home. My childhood was never that bad, I was never abused emotionally or sexually and I thank my stars for that. I had a ton of support from my mom and grandparents.

I don't remember a lot due to the fact that my fits of rage were mostly blocked out I guess by my subconscious. To this day I remember little bits and pieces once in a while and have to ask my mom about them. I was a typical kid with a single parent, my mom eventually remarried when I was 9. My step dad and I never really got along very well. He always thought I was using my disease to manipulate my mom and we had a lot of fights.

My teen years were typical teen years also although by this time I was special classes in school for people labeled emotionally disturbed and I had a very hard time concentrating on one particular thing to this day it is still a struggle for me to follow through and finish things. I was teased constantly over having to go to special classes or take my tests in a different room at a different time. We also moved a lot too so trying to find regular friends was always a challenge. I wanted so badly to be normal and stable like everyone else but will never have it.

I met a guy when I was 14, he was 15. This guy I knew from the minute that I met him that we were fated to be together forever. We dated for a long time with him having issues being with the same person. He wanted to explore, I don't blame him now we were young, but he did some very sh-tty things to me emotionally. I loved him and never have connected with anyone like we did. I always think that maybe we are star crossed lovers, like in Romeo and Juliet, but that our families were not the problem but just bad timing.

I graduated and since he was a year ahead of me he had already moved away to go to college. We decided that I would move to be closer to him and that eventually we would be married. I never forced the subject on him since we were 19, but a couple of months after moving here to be with him he again decided he wanted to explore and cheated. I cannot even describe the feeling of having your heart so broken and shattered. I could not give up or give in that we were just meant to be. I dated a few people but they never lived up to what we had that connection. Before I left to move here I went off my meds, I have been unmedicated ever since, its been hard but I try to manage the best that I can and recognize the signs of when I really need help or my symptoms are showing through.

Its been almost 10 years, I have since married someone else and have been with him for 6. I still talk to my ex once in a while and find that we still have that connection. We have had our ups and downs as friends and even all out brawls, but I think other than my mother he is the only one that truly understands me and knows me through and through. However I have come to realize that we are not meant to be, maybe I guess in another life somewhere. I still love him dearly I will never stop. I am only 26 now and think that I have really experienced a lot. I am fortunate not to have gone through what you all have described but it is still a challenge for me.

This might not make sense but I was in a writing mood and felt the need to share. I feel for those of you that have gone through those terrible things and have to deal with those feelings every day of your lives. Know that you are in my heart and thoughts just for that.

 

 

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