Madchik's Story

TRIGGER TOPICS INCLUDED, **Triggers** This was very hard to write

i cant tell u how it started for me,the whole bipolar thing,but i can remember being depresed from a very young age and i know id tried overdosing twice before age ten.

things got worse the older i got,bullied at school because i was so different to the other kids,and becoming a holy terror at home.

i knew i was strange,not normal and i rebelled by trying to hard to fit in and be liked.throwing partys while my mum was away,sneaking out to partys with people ten or more years older than me,drinking,smoking pot,driving stolen cars,raiding crops,breaking into holiday homes to steal and party,and never getting busted and having to deal with what id done.

soon,i was 15,and things at home were a war zone,school i was getting daily beatings by other older girls,and id had enough.

i ran away,ended up on a few courses,made up with mum,and moved into my first boyfriends place.
i was 16 by this stage,and still very immature,and a virgin too boot.(for some reason i was determined to remain a virgin till i was legally allowed to have sex,and i just made it with a few close calls!god i was really wild,im still shocked i lasted)
i was soooo in love with my boyfriend,id had little romances before,boys had kissed me,bought me flowers and choccysi even had two boys fight over me once,but nothing compared to this! I was in LOVE!

shortly after moving in with my bf,i started the pill.
shortly after that,we made love for the first time,and i fell pregnant.(i didnt know it for a long time)
my bf used to be one of the popular boys at school,and all i could think of was how lucky i was he wanted me.
i know now that he was very sick,some kind of mental illness i never figured out what.

he told me that he had a 3 year old son who was dieing,so he need to keep in touch with the mother.i found out from his mum that he didnt have a son,ever.
everytime he turned up late,drunk or the next day it was because he was with his son.

he flew into rages where hed acuse me of sleeping with his father,his cousin or his 13 year old brother.but as he hadnt hit me,i didnt leave.
he told me i was useless,ugly,fat,a loser who no one wanted.i believed him.sometimes i still do.
then one night i was in bed and he came into the room yelling id killed his son.
he hit me across the face,then in the stomach,and chased me into the kitchen.
i grabbed a chair and hit him in the face with it,knocking him out.

i called a friend who came got me.
the rest is lost in my brain somewhere,ill i know is the next day i misscairried,wich was how i discoverd i was had a suspicion,but knew the truth now.
so for the next year i partyed,moved in and out of mums home,did more courses and made new friends.
when i was 17 i received an ivitation to move to australia on a working holiday at my dads business(dad lived there with his new family) and too stay for his 50th.

so i went,even tho mum warned me it wasnt a good idea.
i arrived in australia and made new friends including a new worked me hard for no pay.i worked from early morn in his newsagents folding papers,then washed and cleaned his houseboats,then worked untill 11.30/12am at his pizza shop.after that i went out and partyed,getting little or no sleep.

instead of pay i recieved ciggerettes and board in his house.he hated me,and let me know it.i cant talk about the other stuff that went on there,maybe one day but not yet.
so anyway,things got bad,i was losing my sanity and i ended up on the streets.

i got into drugs,snorting and acid.
late christmas night 1998 i was sleeping in a park when i was attacked by a group of five men.they beat me,tied me up and raped me,then beat me again and left me for dead.i was found by a jogger who let me call mum on his cell once hed called for an ambulance,but i was unable to tell her what had happend.

i was taken to hospital,where they told me i was making it up and that id probally been beaten while prostituting myself.
i was sent to a childrens home for a few weeks,untill i ran away to get drugs.

i got into hard drugs,got amitted to a psych ward.
i was put into a room next to a rapist.the guy in the room on the other side was awaiting trial for murdering his daughters bf who was accused of raping her.
i became close too him,and he protected me while i was there.

he was moved to another unit after beating the rapist in the rm nxt to mine,wich he did when the guy came into my room one night.

i want this story finished so ill cut it short now.
i was moved in and out of welfair houses,becoming completly psycotic in the process,and moved back to new zealand by mums request.
i was admitted to psyc ward here due to being suicidal and self injury.

by this time i had reverted to chilhood,and wouldnt leave the house with out a teddybear.
i was in hospital for 9 months,then in rehab for one year.
while in hospital i was againg attacked sexually by another patient,and unable to protect myself or call for help due to over medicating.

i have since become mostly well enough to function daily,although i still have nightmares,flashbacks and phobias.
im now being treated for bipolar and recieving fortnightly counseling for the rape.

so thats my story.i never want to tell it again.


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