Hi, my name is Mel and I am a 25 year old mom of two children. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar disorder last year after after being misdiagnosed several times before. I remember always thinking that I was different from everyone else, even at a very young age. I had a pretty bad childhood which involed being abused(emotionally and sexually) but most of the things that I have been through seemed like they happened to someone else. I have this defense mechanism where I can “remove” myself from a terrible situation and it’s as though the terrible thing is happening to someone else or that the terrible thing is just a dream. I know it’s very unhealthy to do this but I don’t do it on purpose; there are some things that are just too bothersome for my mind so it kind of does it itself.

Well, enough about that anyway. My story is very lengthy but I will

spare you all the small details and try to keep it short. With that

being said... I started getting really bad in 1999. I was diagnosed

as

having depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and periods of psychosis. I was having auditory and visual hallucinations(which I have had my whole life) and was cutting myself. I was scared to death to take a shower(have been my whole life,again) and would go without showering for weeks at a time. Nobody even knew this because I still kept myself clean and I never smelled bad or anything. I was so paranoid at night that “they”(“they” would be aliens) would be coming for me or my children that I would stay awake for days at a time so I could be on “guard duty” with a knife in my hand. I would hear them telling me that they were coming and I would see their faces everytime I closed my eyes. My doctor put me on Seroquel and Zoloft and I did a little better for awhile.

Then I started acting really hyper and acting and thinking even

more irrational so he just kept raising my meds until I was a

zombie. I ended up slicing my arm open with a razor blade while

visiting a friend and had to

be rushed to the hospital. I weaned myself off of the meds after a

year because I started having a lot of problems(physically). I

didn’t know it at the time but my doctor had prescribed me a dosage

of Seroquel that wasn’t approved and after taking it for a year it

had caused me some serious damage. I still have problems because of

that now. Well, after all that I was okay for awhile(three years)

and then I started having episodes. It started when I got a

promotion at my job. At first I thought I could do it and did do

the job very well. Then I started hearing things talking to me and

started to have nightmares. I was staying awake for days at a time

and not eating and wanting to party all the time(not typical

behavior for me-I’ve never been a partier). I went on shopping

sprees and when I ran out of money, I wrote bad checks or got

pay-day loans. I talked very fast and nobody could keep up with

what I was saying. I was having racing thoughts and screamed at

people when they tried to

talk to me because they were interrupting my thoughts. I started to call off work alot so that I could go shopping and I didn’t have any focus to do any work. I couldn’t sit still. Then all of a sudden, it all stopped. I slowed way down and became horribly depressed. I couldn’t go to work because I was too depressed and I was seeing things and crying all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep but what I really wanted to do was die. Then I started “rapid-cycling”. I was depressed one day and manic the next. I called my mom from work and told her I was going to kill myself(I don’t even remember) and she came and took me to the hospital. They kept me for awhile, switched my meds several times, and let me go after a week. I was still messed up when I left so a week later I went back to the hospital for a month. They kept switching my meds around(I’ve been on at least 25 different meds) and finally found a combination of 7 drugs that worked( except they made me a zombie).

That was last

year. I lost my job, my house and everything I worked so hard to get. I’ve been sued 3 times in the last year for things I did in my manic phases and I don’t have any recollection of them whatsoever.

I wasn’t on any meds for awhile but my episodes just started again

so I am back on an anti-depressant and waiting for the mania to

come as it always does when I start an anti-depressant. I am unable

to work and am considered permanately disabled due to the severity

of my condition. I had to move back in with my mom because I am not

able to take care of myself or manage my own money. I have had a

tough time and I have a long road ahead but I never lose hope. I

know that eventually I will get better and things will be okay. I

know that the Lord has a plan for me and I truly believe that

everything happens for a reason and that everyone has a purpose for

being here; I just haven’t found out “why” or “what” yet. Thanks

for listening to my story. honeybsmileygirl@yahoo.com feel free to

email

me!