Things began falling apart for us about two yrs ago. Financially we were in trouble due to my spending habits and the welcome of our first child. My answer to free us from the dollar crunch was to empty out my 12yr 401k plan of $30,000. The money hardly set us free. I continued my shopping sprees, and four yrs later we welcomed our second child. We were living in a three room apt sharing one bedroom. I had once again accumulated over $30,000 in debt, and now I could not stop crying. It would be a long road for my husband and two children who put up with my "pms", "lack of patience", "cool mom syndrome", and any other excuse I could think up to protect my true feelings. We managed to buy a house, with the help of my grandparents who were unknowing of my habits. Two years later is when it happened. I woke to find my car had been repossessed. How could they I thought, how dare they touch MY car! How was I going to get to work? What would my boss think? My husband was furious with me, demanding to know why I had not told him we were in financial trouble. I lied. I cried. I shouted. I could not think. My head was spinning. I wanted to die right now. what have I done? How can I fix this problem? This would be the beginning of an even longer road for my family. I called work took a leave of absence, and called a lawyer to recover my car. I filed for bankruptcy to save our home, and sought help with a Psychiatrist. I truly believed I was having a complete breakdown and I was determined to die. I do not remember talking to our lawyer, my job, or anyone for that matter. I do remember my husband being very angry with me, and feeling very guilty that I could not buy my kids anything they wanted or needed at any given moment. My husband took over the finances, the household chores, my life. I lost my job, my friends, my life and was left with nothing. It has been three years since all the above has taken place. I am still fighting to survive. My thinking is somewhat clearer these days, but not always sensible. My meds have changed several times, I vowed never to admitt myself into another hospital, and my family thinks I am nuts. My oldest child has suffered missing a lot of school due to my illness. My youngest child has suffered due to my mood swings and lack of responsibility. My husband has suffered having lost his partner and gaining another child. My days consist of ups and downs with no real sense. My nights are sleepless due to the fear of the "ghosts" that surround me. The crawling bugs have finally left, but I still hear my mom calling me. The desire to shop never leaves, and I search for ways to obtain money to go out. I am trying to file for disabiltiy since I have tried to go back to work 7 times in the past year and just can not seem to keep one of them. My home is on the verge of being foreclosed, my husband lost his job right before Christmas. No one seems to understand my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, and sorrows. Explaining is a waste of time since my whole personality seems to change every day. My aunt has been a true friend through all of this mess. She listens with no judgment, guides me when needed, and is coaching my mothering tactics. My Dr. believes we can kick this with little meds after finding the right ones. He believes in earning every breath you take, and being a true humanitarian. I trust him. I do not trust myself. I have stopped my meds several times, have told myself there is nothing wrong with me, and still today am in somewhat of a denial. I long to be "normal". I long to be the wife,mother, and friend that I believe I should have been all along. I am not stupid. I know these thoughts, sounds, feelings, sights are not real, but they scare the hell out of me! I spend A LOT of time searching the internet for answers. Not sure what I am looking for, but some day it will show itself to me, and bring my life together. I pray to GOD to give me strength to make it through the day, and to give my family strength to accept who I have become. Thank you for allowing me to write. It makes me feel as though I am helping someone. Letting them know they are not alone. I dont want to be alone.

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