So, as the crowd grew that hot day, the muck accumulated on bottom of pool....rose and water was hard to see thru.....even a few inches. My friend Troy (who was 12, and lived down the road from me) and I played the old game of swimming under the water, on the bottom of the pool....from the shallow end to the deep. After playing this game for a while, we grew tired, and bored. Troy decided to go dive off high board for awhile, and I thought I would give it one more lap.

As I made my way on the bottom of the pool, to the wall of the deep end, I ran out of air and energy and decided I had to come up early. As I came up, Troy was diving down, and our heads collided together, in a great force.
I began to sink to the bottom of the pool, not realizing what was wrong, or what had happened, I only knew in that instant, that something heavy was on top of me, and I was drowning.

I was able to pull the heavy object off my body, as I lay under it on the pool floor, and with everything I had pushed to the top.  I survived with neck and head injury, My friend lost his life, at the bottom of the pool. My life was never the same, and I went thru years of searching God for forgiveness, and grieving for his family great loss. Wondering why I survived, and hating that I did.  He was beautiful......he was funny.......he was well loved at home and in community...he was smart.....he was a bright light......and I played a part in that light leaving this world.

There was a abuse years before this tragic day......years of things that never should of been. but this day, began the day of a series of curses on my life.
My father was deeply into his alcoholism by this time.......we lost our farm and moved into a city maybe 40 miles away. It may of well, been across the world. I felt different......and went from a very popular, outgoing young lady......to an outcast.
Again, I turned to God, and went to church, though not the Baptist church that my father insisted that I attend. They were very loving, happy ppl at this church, and the message they sent out.......was love...and acceptance. But, eventually, my father put his foot down, I would attend our traditional church, or I would not go. So, I choose to not go, and feel deeply into depression.

My father was completely out of control at this time......and threatened to kill himself on many occasions........his words were cruel......and my mother was just so overwhelmed by her own chaos.

So I spent the summer of my 15 th birthday,,,,,back in my home town....with an older sister and her husband. It was great to get away from the unhappiness in our home. My sister lived far out in the country......but I got to see my old friends, and some of the older ones......had a driver license now.

One night, we were all at the local park.....swinging from a rope off a tree across the creek that flowed there......laughing....listening to rock and roll....and having a great time. The last thing I remember is laying my can of coke on a picnic table. The next few weeks were filled with chaos and hallucinations, for someone had slipped something in my drink, while I took my turn on the tree swing. I lost a year of life......with migraines and hallucinations.

For the first 3 days,,,,,,I crawled around my sisters house completely naked and insane......she didn't know what was wrong with me.......and why I wasn't taken to the hospital......I do not know.......I only remember thinking how cold I was....and if I could just get in the tub and get warm.  She then calls another sister, in another town, and she comes to get me.....for a couple of days....I lay in bed there......my head hurting so badly.....it felt as if it had cracked.....and my brains were on fire.....finally, she decided to take me home to my parents. She calls and tells my parent,, something bad has happened to me and they were bringing me home.

She took me to the apartment where I lived with my parents....and literally dropped me off... My parents left.....I don't know why...or where they went.....but I could not get my key in the door to unlock it.....and I couldn't keep my shoes in my hands.....and felt very sick and cold.

I made it to the apartment manager office......to ask for help......I did not know.....that I was speaking......but it was all gibberish.......she called 911......I fainted.....I guess.......I woke up in the ambulance.....with this woman slapping me........I could tell she was slapping me hard......I did not feel it.....I remember feeling so sad for her........she was crying as she slapped me and screaming.....something about......damn it your just a baby.....stay with me.....stay awake......things like that. I wanted to tell her, everything is o.k. and not to cry.....but I was so tired.....and the darkness fell over me again.

Next time I woke up was in the hospital........my parents did not have insurance, and I was sent home with my parents,.....and told to be watched.....I would live or I would die......but I would never be the child they knew again.  It was only later discovered what happened to me......by the young man that did it, bragging about town. As the days went by.....the hallucinations grew worse,,,,,and I had out of body experiences. I remember , the always present coldness.......thus it was the middle of a Texas summer.  My father, hated me even more, though he knew, I had nothing to do with what happened to me. His words became more cruel........my mother became more distant. Then one day. they sent me to live with one of my sisters......I was a junior in h.s.

So, I don't know if I was born prone to be bp....or it was the head injury.....or the angel dust put in my drink......I don't know. But, what is.......what is.
My parents, sent me to live with my sister, after I refused to give permission to be put on ssi. They really wanted that little extra check each month. I refused to be part of a law suit against the country club......accepting responsibility for my role in this loss of my friends life...even if the water was murky.

I seemed to be my parents enemy after all this. After, my senior year........which I dropped out of....only 6 weeks before graduation.....I moved back to the town my parents lived in. Got my old job back at the local Dairy Queen, and got a small apt......there I met a handsome young man......and was thrilled that he asked me on a date......I remember my excitement.....but date ended up in being driven in the country to a back road, and when I refused his advances (was saving myself for marriage at this point 18 years old)....he pulled a knife.....and took what he wanted, and left me fillthy rags.

I couldn't tell anyone......my father had boasted previously that it was impossible to rape a woman......and my mother had said......a rapist would have to kill her.....she would never allow this to happen to her.....only a tramp that wanted it would (they speaking about a cousin I beleive that had been raped)......so who was I going to tell.......and again........a piece of me, died that day. My self hatred grew........and again.......I turned to God, for answers......

I survived.......I married.......had 3 lovely children.........often put those little girls thru hell......but to this day.....they do not know, a lot of things. To this day.....many ppl, do not know a lot of things.

God has been kind to me in many other ways........has poured out other blessings upon my head.....among them 3 beautiful children that have taken my breath away. He gave a reason to get up in the morning......a reason to be happy......to reason to work.....a reason to live......thru the blessing and gift of being a mother.
When one thinks they can't go on........when no one can know.......and the pain is so intense and the loneliness is so deep.....it could feel rivers.....one has only to look into the face of her children.....and know there is a loving God......and there is a reason.....to live......and live abundantly.