Ryan's Story

EMAIL Ryan HERE
 

Six years ago, I had everything I could ever want—a happy marriage, a good job and we had just purchased our first home.  Amazingly and unfortunately, in less than a year that drastically changed.
 
I was a military public affairs officer in Texas.  My job required long hours and frequent, long trips away from home.  My first Southwest Asia deployment came on the heals of a four-month training stint on the East Coast.  That marked eight months of our second year of marriage spent apart. 


My wife had a very difficult time handling the time  apart.  She was often inconsolable.  Between work and trying to comfort her, I was under a lot of stress. At some point I became depressed.
 

Then while serving in the Saudi Arabia, I began to feel strange.  Everything difficult became easy.  A multitude of sounds, like the wind, fell into a rhythmic pattern.  Colors, light, numbers and language formed exhilaratingly intricate patterns intertwined by connections, or a common thread of meaning.  I was manic for the first time.
 
Despite embarrassing myself with overzealous, rambling emails, my illness managed to go unnoticed until I arrived home in Texas.  My wife noticed the change in me immediately and had me take a self-test for bipolar disorder.  I answered “yes” to almost every question, but yet I denied that there was anything wrong.  Still, I appeased her by going to the doctor.
 
There wasn’t a psychiatrist on the base, so I went to see a general practice physician. This was the worst mistake I made.  He could tell that I had been under a lot of stress and had been down, so he prescribed me Zoloft. The antidepressant sent my mania through the roof.  A couple of days later, at my protestation, I was hospitalized.
 
My first experience in a military hospital was a memorable one.  I was so paranoid that I thought I was part of a military experiment designed to test my loyalty and/or prepare me for advancement.  I thought doctors and the other patients were actors paid to represent abstract inner feelings of mine.
 

I was in psychosis.
 
I was treated with Ativan originally to calm me down, then Zyprexa or Olanzipine was added and Ativan was dropped.  It’s funny to me, I recall  writing a song praising Zyprexa while I was there.  Little did I know what problems it would cause for me.
 
I entered the hospital at 200 pounds.  Six weeks later I was 240.  Depakote was added to the Zyprexa shortly after leaving the hospital.  With the two weight-gaining drugs tag teaming me, I was nearly  300 pounds before the year was over.
 
 Worst of all, during my time in the hospital I was terrible to my wife. Psychosis caused me to believe that my wife and I were not meant to be together. The reality behind that was, I was bitter at her for sending me to the hospital when I had been so supportive of her.  She told me she would stand behind me no matter what.  I told her I wanted a divorce.   We separated.
 

In the months that followed discharge from the military, my thinking cleared enough that I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I could not convince her that the manic Ryan did not represent  my true feelings. We divorced in late 2000.
 
I went into a deep depression.  I returned home to the Midwest and immediately went back to work, but the depression and combination of Olanzipine  and Depakote dulled my mind and ruined my concentration.  I slept as much as 16 hours a day during that period, often not bothering to shower or shave before going to work.  For hours I would stare at my computer screen and accomplish nothing.
 
A new doctor led me to Lithium for the first time.  He slowly tapered me off both Olanzipine and Depakote, and in a short time I felt like a new man. I lost 80 pounds to begin approaching my old weight and I felt new energy and drive at the office.  Unfortunately, that proved too good to be  true.
 
By December of 2001, I was experiencing full-blown mania again.  The lithium had not been enough to cap my high moods and they bubbled over.  I was hospitalized for a third time.  Risperidone was added to my med regimen.
 
Over the next three years, we tried Quetiapine (Seroquel), Olanzipine again, Depakote again and Buspirone without success.  I continued to experience frequent manias with intermittent depression.  All told, I went through fourjobs in four different states in just a few years.  Finally, I moved home with my mother, and started going to the local VA hospital for treatment.
 
During that time, we have tried Ziprasidone (Geodon) and Topamax, both without success.  Only in the last few months have my moods stabilized for the first time on a combination of Lithium, Aripiprazole and Lamotrigine.
 
It’s been a long hard road.  After six hospitalizations, lost jobs and damaged relationships, it can take quite a toll on a person.  But I’m on a military pension now, and I have the opportunity and time to find something I want to do.  It’s an opportunity to find real meaning again.  I hope to resume my  career writing and  editing.

 

 

"Richard's Story"

Thank you Richard for being the first to write the story of your Bipolar Weight Experience and for allowing me to include it on my page. You even got yours finished before I did mine!! Thanks again to a special guy!

It would be difficult, to say the least, to tell a story that takes a life to live, but you only have one small space in which to tell your story.  So, here's a short version of a long story.

My story and struggle with Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression as I like to call it begins in my teens.  My father died when I was at the age of  9 of lung cancer.  Years later close to my 18th birthday, my 23 year old sister  also died of Fibrosarcoma another type of cancer.  This led me to join the military.  Looking back on it, I believe that I was trying to get away from my problems .  I went through boot camp, but remember having a conversation with my training officers stating that I didn't  think that I could make it.  They encouraged me that I could, and I did.

About 8 months into my military duty, I met a girl.  We got engaged to be married after her graduation from high school.  She graduated, and a graduation party was held at her parents house a few days later.  I had one of many casts on my leg at the time.  I've had three on the left leg and two on the right all from torn ligaments.  Getting to my point… my best friend at the time was there at the party with his motorcycle.  He and I went to the store for more Cokes and Pepsi's.  I rode backward on the bike because it made it easier to ride with a cast on your leg, not to mention that I was showing off a little.  When we returned, my fiancee wanted to ride on the motorcycle.  My friend and girlfriend took off while the rest of us sat in the backyard talking and drinking refreshments.  It couldn't have been fifteen minutes that passed before the police showed up saying that Linda had been in a serious motorcycle accident.

We all rushed to the hospital.  Hours later her parents came and asked me to talk to her.  She was in a coma, swollen and badly bruised.  I was more frightened than I'd ever been in my life.  I looked at them and said "I can't, God has her now", and I ran from the room.

I ended up in the Military hospital in Philadelphia, PA.  I couldn't take the anti-depressants, but took Tofranil because I was forced to.  It caused severe hallucinations and mania.  When the anti-depressants got too much for me to handle, I was put on Librium.  This helped take the edge off of the anti-depressants, but didn't last long enough or  wasn't strong enough to counteract the Tofranil. After 8 months of  treatment in a psyche ward, I was released from the military for reasons of personality disorders.

I worked and held a steady job for several years while taking Tofranil alone.  My newest girlfriend at the time encouraged me to get off of the Tofranil, because it sometimes made her uncomfortable.  I did, and I felt fine (sometimes too fine) for many years.

I got the job of my dreams in the early 80's.  I worked for the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees and Motion Picture Machine Operators  that meant  access to every concert in town or every event for that matter.  I also had my own sound company on the side.  The exposure from the coliseum gave me plenty of other opportunities and jobs.  I started working with the old lead singer from Blood, Sweat, and Tears while also holding my job at the coliseum.  I was living the life of my dreams, then it all came to a sudden stop.

I was in the back of a semi-truck one concert, unloading the equipment when suddenly my back popped.  Everyone on the truck looked at me and said "was that your back"?  Yes, it was, and it hurt like no other pain that I've experienced in my life.  I was hurt there a few years before that during a Miss Teen USA Pageant and continued to work for that company up until I couldn't go any longer.

I was ordered to the hospital by my doctors, and shortly after was contacted by the insurance company for the worker comp insurance people.  They recorded my phone message and then started with trying to get out of the claim to get me better and back to work.

At court, I was a nervous wreck.  I was totally in shock that I was finally going get to tell my story in court after two years.  Was I ever wrong.  They twisted and turned everything around, and my attorney just sat back and took the payoff money.  It was obvious at that point that I had been sold out by my own attorney  A second lawyer took my case as a favor for a friend of my wife.  He informed me that everything that my first attorney did made it impossible for me to ever be compensated.  He apologized for her, but the damage was done.  He did, however, see to it that I got disability, but who can live on $400.00 a month.

I was now living with extreme chronic lower back pain, chronic prostatitus , and I was loosing it quick.

I did what I thought was my only choice.  I went back to school.  I made straight A's and B's working night and day at studying.  I was getting little if any sleep.  I finally was talked into doing a studio project with some old musician friends.  They never paid me and I ended up taking them to court thinking that justice would be served.  It wasn't, and I lost it.  I had locked myself in a room, except to leave for school, for three years, crying everyday for those three years.  By then, my family was talking me into seeing a psychiatrist.  Of course, from my point of view, the rest of the world was the one who needed the shrink.  In my opinion the world had turned to an overpowering evil place.  Sure there were a few good people left in the world, but the good was greatly outnumbered by the evil.

The doctors first started with anti-depressants.  I went psycho on all of them, literally walking into walls.  I thought that I was going to die on Wellbutrin.  I did want to die at the time, but that's not how I wanted to go.  After going through the gamut of just about every anti-depressant known to man, my doctor put me on Depakote.  I thought  Wellbutrin was bad.  Worst thing is, that my doctor went on vacation for two weeks right in the middle of my crisis.  I wanted to beat my own innocent children.  I was getting 3 hours of sleep a week.  I took myself off of the drug, because I knew that my thoughts weren't right.  When my doctor came back, he was furious that I had taken myself off of the medication.  After my wife coming in and explaining to him that I was trying to save lives, he lightened up.  He put me on Lithium and a few days later, Zoloft.  The combination was much better.  He still saw many problems and put me on Zyprexa, an anti-psychotic medication.  The weight started pouring on.  I went from 220lbs to 300lbs in a years time.  I was miserable and getting more so everyday.  After several other arguments with my psychiatrist, I switched doctors.  Now , I'm off the Zyprexa.  I take 200mg  a day of Zoloft , and 1mg four times a day of Klonopin.  I take Floxin for the prostate infections and Voltaren for the Neuropathy that has formed in the left side of my body due to the injury in 1990 to my lower back.  These added physical problems make for some pretty rough days. Deep, dark, gloomy days where the best that you can do is pray to make it another day.

As for school, I got my Associate of Arts degree from the community college and was well on my way to becoming a computer scientist at the senior college until I couldn't handle the pressure anymore.  I couldn't meet deadlines, the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I even broke down crying during a speech at speech class one day.  I didn't ever think that I would be able to go on after the embarrassment.

My goals now, are to lose this weight, 20lbs. Of which are already gone.  Then, once my weight is down to 200, I plan to try and finish getting my four-year degree.  Meanwhile, I study everyday. I walk everyday, and I weight train with light weights (anywhere form 6 to 50 lbs) three times a day.  The key to getting  health mentally, in my opinion, is to get your body in shape as well as your mind.  Take it one day at a time, but force yourself to keep up the pace.

Richard Dozier

BiPolar Person

The Story Ends

Richard G Dozier died suddenly on Monday, July 27, 1998 at Windsor, California, at the age of 39. He left behind his wife Robin and two young sons Richard Keegan and Cameron Rene.

He was one of our bipolar family and his presence will be sorely missed. Rest in Peace, Richard...your suffering is over.

Colleen

I would like to add your story to this page! Contact me at:


THANKS

COLLEEN

 

Bipolar World   © 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009. 2010
Owners:  Allie Bloom, David Schafer, M.Ed. (Blackdog)
 Bipolar World Partners:  John Haeckel, Judith (Duff)
Founder:  Colleen Sullivan
 

Email Us at Bipolar World

About Us  Add a Link  Advance Directives  Alternative Treatments  Ask the Doctor   Ask Dr. Phelps about Bipolar Disorder   Ask The Doctor/Dr. Phelps' Topic Archives  Awards  Benny the Bipolar Puppy  Bipolar Chat  Bipolar Children  Bipolar Disorder News  Bipolar Help Contract  Bipolar World Forums  Book Reviews  Bookstore  BP & Other mental Illness   Clinical Research Trials & FDA Drug Approval   Community Support   Contact Us  The Continuum of Mania and Depression   Coping   Criteria    Criteria and Diagnosis  Criteria-World Health Disabilities,  DSMV-IV   Dual Diagnosis  eGroups  Expressions (Poetry, Inspiration, Humor, Art Gallery, Memorials  Family Members   Getting Help for a Loved One who Refuses Treatment  Greeting Cards  History of Mental Illness  Indigo  Job and School  Links    Medications   Medication and Weight Gain    News of the Day  Parent Chat  Pay for Meds  Personal Stories  Self Help  Self Injury  Significant Others  Stigma and Mental Health Law  Storm's Column  Suicide!!!  The Suicide Wall  Table of Contents   Treatments  Treatment Compliance  US Disability  Veteran's Chat  What's New?