It has been a huge relief for me to find this website and realise that I am not alone. So I thought I would share my story with others and hopefully connect with some of you out there too.

My name is Vanessa and I am 31 years old. I have only recently been diagnosed as Bipolar 2, after fighting various battles for years.

The first time I can really remember being faced with major depression is at about age 15. I was very weight conscious (after being put on a diet by my mother at age 13) and became anorexic. At the same time, I began self-mutilating, cutting my arms. I felt completely alone and weird - but when I approached my mother about the cutting she was furious with me and said “What’s wrong with you! You have nothing to be depressed about!” which needless to say made me feel more guilty and cut more! I continued my pattern of not eating (and cutting - for 8 years) for 3 years - which was completely ignored by my parents.

After finishing school, I went on holiday - and came home to discover that my mother had read my diary. She screamed at me and said “You’re crazy! You need a psychiatrist!” I was furious and left home, moving to a city 2500 kilometres away.

In my second year of studing, I experienced my worst year of depression. I was having visual hallucinations of figures from Hell appearing.  I was suicidal. I cut my arms every day. I am still not sure how I made it through.

In my third year, I got involved with a man who helped me stabilise for about a year - he made me feel better about myself and I stopped cutting - although I was still on a constant diet.

Things went along ok for the next year and a half - until I got involved in a short-term relationship and fell pregnant. Abortion was illegal but I felt I was not able to cope with a baby yet. So I took the route of taking psychological tests to prove I was psychologically incapable of having a baby. The board took 3 months to make the decision that they would allow a legal abortion - by which time I was becoming obviously pregnant - plus experiencing morning sickness! I blocked out the whole experience in order to deal with it.

I then moved back to my home to escape the school where I was studying as the guy had told everyone I was having an abortion - so to espace the whispers and I rumours I left - and came home and got a job.

I needed an escape. My job as an advertising copywriter was very intense.

Living at home again was hard. Then my friends at the ad agency introduced me to drugs. For the nest year and a half, I took everything I could lay my hands on. I spent all my money on drugs. I dated dealers. I got involoved with a physically abusive man who raped me. It didn’t matter. I just ignored everything and took more drugs.

My family ignored it too - even though I was living at home, they chose not to see it.

Evetually I reached such a low that I found myslelf crawling around on the floor at a warehouse rave, sticking my fingers into the dirt and then in my mouth, trying to find a lost acid cap. An ex-boyfriend shot himslef on crack. My best friend literally “died” and was brought back at hospital - then went straight back to the party where she had OD’d!

I knew that if I did not get out I would probably die.

Like the anorexia - I just stopped the drugs - without therapy or any help.

I cut myself off from everyone. I didn’t go out. When I did, I just cried and had anxiety attacks because I felt so self-conscious. My OCD and obsessive thoughts got worse. I moved out of home and became obsessed with my two cats. I din’t want to leave  the house in case something happened to them.

Time has passed since then. Before my 30th, I decided the time had come to seek help. I went to a psychologist, who I have now been seeing for the past year a a half. Finally, about 3 weeks ago, after having depressive episodes where I literally wanted to lie down in the middle of a busy street and just not get up (amongst other ideas!) I went to a psychiatrist for a prescription. I’m on Lamictin. I have started on a small dose.

I am still having bad days. Yesterday I made an arrangement with a friend.

When the time came to leave, I just didn’t have the inclination to leave the house. And I also couldn’t face calling to say why I wouldn’t come. So I just lay on the couch and wished night would come sooner so I could go so sleep and not face anything.

I am hoping that one day I will feel happy. And have a relationship. And feel that I am actually deserving of having the love that I want.

Until then, I will be checking in on this website. That way I will feel less alone. Thank you to everyone who contributes for giving me that.

Please feel

free to write to me if you would like to - my address is

snowball778@hotmail.com

 

 

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