It has been a huge relief for me to find this
website and realise that I am not alone. So I thought I would share
my story with others and hopefully connect with some of you out
My name is Vanessa and I am 31 years old. I
have only recently been diagnosed as Bipolar 2, after fighting
various battles for years.
The first time I can really remember being
faced with major depression is at about age 15. I was very weight
conscious (after being put on a diet by my mother at age 13) and
became anorexic. At the same time, I began self-mutilating, cutting
my arms. I felt completely alone and weird - but when I approached
my mother about the cutting she was furious with me and said “What’s
wrong with you! You have nothing to be depressed about!” which
needless to say made me feel more guilty and cut more! I continued
my pattern of not eating (and cutting - for 8 years) for 3 years -
which was completely ignored by my parents.
After finishing school, I went on holiday -
and came home to discover that my mother had read my diary. She
screamed at me and said “You’re crazy! You need a psychiatrist!” I
was furious and left home, moving to a city 2500 kilometres away.
In my second year of studing, I experienced
my worst year of depression. I was having visual hallucinations of
figures from Hell appearing. I was suicidal. I cut my arms every
day. I am still not sure how I made it through.
In my third year, I got involved with a man
who helped me stabilise for about a year - he made me feel better
about myself and I stopped cutting - although I was still on a
Things went along ok for the next year and a
half - until I got involved in a short-term relationship and fell
pregnant. Abortion was illegal but I felt I was not able to cope
with a baby yet. So I took the route of taking psychological tests
to prove I was psychologically incapable of having a baby. The board
took 3 months to make the decision that they would allow a legal
abortion - by which time I was becoming obviously pregnant - plus
experiencing morning sickness! I blocked out the whole experience in
order to deal with it.
I then moved back to my home to escape the
school where I was studying as the guy had told everyone I was
having an abortion - so to espace the whispers and I rumours I left
- and came home and got a job.
I needed an escape. My job as an advertising
copywriter was very intense.
Living at home again was hard. Then my
friends at the ad agency introduced me to drugs. For the nest year
and a half, I took everything I could lay my hands on. I spent all
my money on drugs. I dated dealers. I got involoved with a
physically abusive man who raped me. It didn’t matter. I just
ignored everything and took more drugs.
My family ignored it too - even though I was
living at home, they chose not to see it.
Evetually I reached such a low that I found
myslelf crawling around on the floor at a warehouse rave, sticking
my fingers into the dirt and then in my mouth, trying to find a lost
acid cap. An ex-boyfriend shot himslef on crack. My best friend
literally “died” and was brought back at hospital - then went
straight back to the party where she had OD’d!
I knew that if I did not get out I would
Like the anorexia - I just stopped the drugs
- without therapy or any help.
I cut myself off from everyone. I didn’t go
out. When I did, I just cried and had anxiety attacks because I felt
so self-conscious. My OCD and obsessive thoughts got worse. I moved
out of home and became obsessed with my two cats. I din’t want to
leave the house in case something happened to them.
Time has passed since then. Before my 30th,
I decided the time had come to seek help. I went to a psychologist,
who I have now been seeing for the past year a a half. Finally,
about 3 weeks ago, after having depressive episodes where I
literally wanted to lie down in the middle of a busy street and just
not get up (amongst other ideas!) I went to a psychiatrist for a
prescription. I’m on Lamictin. I have started on a small dose.
I am still having bad days. Yesterday I made
an arrangement with a friend.
When the time came to leave, I just didn’t
have the inclination to leave the house. And I also couldn’t face
calling to say why I wouldn’t come. So I just lay on the couch and
wished night would come sooner so I could go so sleep and not face
I am hoping that one day I will feel happy.
And have a relationship. And feel that I am actually deserving of
having the love that I want.
Until then, I will be checking in on this
website. That way I will feel less alone. Thank you to everyone who
contributes for giving me that.
free to write to me if you would like to - my