Starla's Story

What a nice place I have here to write and speak out of having bi polar.

I am trying to embrace and accept my bipolarity and tell myself it only makes me that much more unique.  I was dx with bp, ptsd, chronic depression for the first time 12 years ago, but I paid no attention to the psycho babble, and continued my eating disorder because it was my coping mechanism.  I thought I let go of a lot of things and “WORKED” them out.  I spent years going in and out of relationships, being promiscuous, being angry then sad, it was a terrible roller coaster ride.

Then I spent years trying to appear normal, be a single mother of two kids, and work hard as a bookkeeper. 

I always knew there was something down there, something that would make the bottom fall out of my whole world.  I finally started fading and coming out of years of mania to depression, suicidal thoughts.....my boyfriend, now husband, begged me to marry him so he could take care of me.  He did not do the double take most people do on mental illnesses, he seriously was there for me with support and knowledge. (Unfortunately at times, I am the hardest on him and lash out at him quicker, he says it is a backwards compliment...but then I feel horrible for days, because he is the one person I am safe with. 

Safety is a big issue for me, trust is too.  I was sexually abused by many of my relatives; I suppose the fact that my father had 5 girls made us a breeding ground for these degenerates.  Dating far back through my biological tree, I came from a long line of alcoholics, drug addicts, and sexual perverts.

I first remember molestation at the age of 3, but feel there was some as an infant.  My memories are coming fast and hard these days, thus I feel like leaving this world, but I am trying to stay and really heal this time. 

I hate taking my meds Lithium makes me gain weight and for an eating disorder person, that is driving me crazy, however I know it works.  Sometimes I don’t take them, I think sometimes they take away the real me, but when the crap hits the fan, we know that I need to continue in therapy, group, and all my meds.

I don’t understand so much of this disease; I hate all the feelings that get stuck inside of me.  I hate the racing thoughts; I think I am going crazy!!!

I really don’t think I have a point here I just wanted to write.

I do know there is hope; my children are lovely, my husband is the best, and my home is safe and calm.  I do miss chaos since I am most familiar with it, I will try to create it when I feel low.

I want to stop wishing and start working. Having bi polar isn’t the end of the world, just feels like it at times, it actually has a lot of advantages, like when manic, I am organized and energetic, my intelligence always shines through.

God bless all of you and keep on keeping on.

Starla Denise Minde