33 yrs old, female BP1 and a list that keeps getting longer. I also am
schizoaffective, borderline personality disorder, ultra, ultra rapid cycling,
and the newest and latest is PTSD.
officially dx BP in May of last year but had symptoms long before. My first
psych hospitalization was in my freshman year in high school for attempted
suicide and severe fear of even leaving the house. I was having delusions then
but after I got out of I.C.U. they only had me in the hospital for about a week
and sent me to counseling. Because of my dads work he didnít want to seek help
for me because would have been a big problem for him to admit his kid had a
mental health disorder.
During my junior yr my grades were falling bad and many nights Iíd hide under
the bed scared of the angels in my bedroom. My dad would laugh at me and shut
the door. My dad got a call from the school counselor and I spent almost 30 days
back in the psych unit. They claimed it was depression because of my parents
divorce - hello ppl - they divorced when I was under 5. Sent me home with
antidepressant meds which made me worse, and because of my dads reputation, he
gave custody of me back to my mom, plus she was a nurse and he felt she could
just fix it.
mom agreed that I go off my meds and I had a choice of ROTC or vocational
school. I chose the ROTC so I could still be in public school and ROTC for the
other half day. Mom knew I was drinking and other things but I thought ROTC was
the easier way out. Later I realized ROTC is what put me in my place so to
speak. I learned quick not to drink - see if one gets in trouble the whole
class pays, and trust me, you donít want about 30 of your peers after you for
anything - one messes up you all messed up.
ended up graduating with honors and had choice of going in the military, which I
would never do, or go to college with full scholarship. I went to the sister
school of Penn State University so I could go to class in the day and help my
mom at night. Plus I had a good state job doing micro retrieval - I did
wonderful for about year and half, then one day just for no reason at all, I
packed the car up and took my sister to Minnesota, and decided I would not go
back home to Pa
decided to live on the streets and find myself - no clue why I did it. I had
everything going for me - a great job, and a few credits short of an associate
degree in early child hood education. I shortly thereafter met a guy when I was
living under a bridge with a few ppl, who was very street-wise and, so to speak,
he showed me the ropes. Keep in mind I had no contact with my family and they
had no clue where I was. Him an I just connected with each other and he showed
me a lot. I learned to jump trains and travel for free and also learned how
being female on the streets had its advantages. Almost a year later we tried
apartment living, but the drinking and drug use caught up so we had to leave the
on the trains we went and had a blast living the outdoors. Was shocked later to
find out I was pregnant, so we had to settle down and live in an apartment -
decided on Toledo, Ohio where my first son was born.
sister who I finally called, told me about houses for contract for deed in
Minnesota. So we had her husband pick us up and 3 months later we had our own
house. I was working 2 jobs at the time and I knew my husband was BP2 but I was
in my own world. He knew something wasnít right at times with me but i knew how
to beat their psych tests Ė I had studied them in my psych class in college so I
knew what answers to put. This only did more harm then good but i didnít see it
that way. I couldnít hold a job more than 6 months, but CANís and home care were
in demand, so I always had a job.
my husband did his best to help me but I wasnít willing to hear it. I was still
having I guess u call it delusions. I spent many days and nights hiding in a
corner or would hide in the tub. It was so real to me - I knew the angels were
out there and they wanted me dead. I ended up in the hospital after my daughter
was born because I was told by the angels that I had to die. They didnít give
me a choice so I odíd on my husbandís lithium and a few other drugs I canít
remember. I spent a few days in ICU and docs still claimed depression, yet I
tried to explain to them I didnít do it. I had to follow what I was told.
they sent me home with antidepressants and no way I was gonna take them. I
knew they made me worse. So I learned as best I could to play the happy game and
my husband started getting very abusive. We fought all the time. He ended up in
jail several times for domestic violence but I let him back in every time,
thinking it was my fault. Things got really bad when my 4th baby was
born. No one could touch him - he slept with me and never was away from me.
husbandís caseworker came over to the house and was very familiar with mental
health. Him and John went outside and talked for a long time. Later that
evening I was sent to Prairie psych hospital - was no more fill out the
questionnaire - I was there almost 30 days. That was when I was finally dx
BP1, with schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder.
on I was in the hospital almost 4 times - 3 for med resistant problems, and the
other one, my last hospitalization was because my 2 yr old son passed away in
June. Plus I finally decided to divorce my husband. Was just a lot of stress in
one month for me and I had no one but my friends here to help me through it all.
playing the med game trying to get it right. but I hold confidence soon will
have the right combo. Now I live alone with 2 of my kids - little john is
temporarily in foster care. He is BP2 also, and with the divorce, and loss of
his brother he just needs some extra guidance right now, which I just cant give
him. Things have gotten a lot better and more structured here but not giving in
is the key thing.
Knowing when to get help and not be afraid to ask makes it much easier now for
me. My friends at BPWorld really got me through all this mess. Thank you never
seems enuff. I just hope others can get the strength to seek help when they
Take care and your friend always ~ tazizme/krista