Tazizme (Krista)

I am 33 yrs old, female BP1 and a list that keeps getting longer.   I also am schizoaffective, borderline personality disorder, ultra, ultra rapid cycling, and the newest and latest is PTSD.

I was officially dx BP in May of last year but had symptoms long before. My first psych hospitalization was in my freshman year in high school for attempted suicide and severe fear of even leaving the house.  I was having delusions then but after I got out of I.C.U. they only had me in the hospital for about a week and sent me to counseling.  Because of my dads work he didnít want to seek help for me because would have been a big problem for him to admit his kid had a mental health disorder.

During my junior yr my grades were falling bad and many nights Iíd hide under the bed scared of the angels in my bedroom.  My dad would laugh at me and shut the door. My dad got a call from the school counselor and I spent almost 30 days back in the psych unit.   They claimed it was depression because of my parents divorce -  hello ppl - they divorced when I was under 5.   Sent me home with antidepressant meds which made me worse, and because of my dads reputation, he gave custody of me back to my mom, plus she was a nurse and he felt she could just fix it. 

My mom agreed that I go off my meds and I had a choice of ROTC or vocational school.  I chose the ROTC so I could still be in public school and ROTC for the other half day. Mom knew I was drinking and other things but I thought ROTC was the easier way out.  Later I realized ROTC is what put me in my place so to speak.  I learned quick not to drink - see if one gets in trouble the whole class pays, and trust me, you donít want about 30 of your peers after you for anything -  one messes up you all messed up.

I ended up graduating with honors and had choice of going in the military, which I would never do, or go to college with full scholarship. I went to the sister school of Penn State University so I could go to class in the day and help my mom at night.  Plus I had a good state job doing micro retrieval - I did wonderful for about year and half, then one day just for no reason at all, I packed the car up and took my sister to Minnesota, and decided I would not go back home to Pa

I decided to live on the streets and find myself - no clue why I did it.  I had everything going for me - a great job, and a few credits short of an associate degree in early child hood education. I shortly thereafter met a guy when I was living under a bridge with a few ppl, who was very street-wise and, so to speak, he showed me the ropes.   Keep in mind I had no contact with my family and they had no clue where I was. Him an I just connected with each other and he showed me a lot.  I learned to jump trains and travel for free and also learned how being female on the streets had its advantages. Almost a year later we tried apartment living, but the drinking and drug use caught up so we had to leave the state quick.

Back on the trains we went and had a blast living the outdoors.  Was shocked later to find out I was pregnant, so we had to settle down and live in an apartment - decided on Toledo, Ohio where my first son was born. 

My sister who I finally called, told me about houses for contract for deed in Minnesota. So we had her husband pick us up and 3 months later we had our own house. I was working 2 jobs at the time and I knew my husband was BP2 but I was in my own world.  He knew something wasnít right at times with me but i knew how to beat their psych tests Ė I had studied them in my psych class in college so I knew what answers to put. This only did more harm then good but i didnít see it that way. I couldnít hold a job more than 6 months, but CANís and home care were in demand, so I always had a job.

John, my husband did his best to help me but I wasnít willing to hear it. I was still having I guess u call it delusions.  I spent many days and nights hiding in a corner or would hide in the tub.  It was so real to me - I knew the angels were out there and they wanted me dead.  I ended up in the hospital after my daughter was born because I was told by the angels that I had to die.  They didnít give me a choice so I odíd on my husbandís lithium and a few other drugs I canít remember.  I spent a few days in ICU and docs still claimed depression, yet I tried to explain to them I didnít do it. I had to follow what I was told.

Again they sent me home with antidepressants  and no way I was gonna take them.  I knew they made me worse. So I learned as best I could to play the happy game and my husband started getting very abusive.  We fought all the time. He ended up in jail several times for domestic violence but I let him back in every time, thinking it was my fault. Things got really bad when my 4th baby was born. No one could touch him - he slept with me and never was away from me.

My husbandís caseworker came over to the house and was very familiar with mental health.  Him and John went outside and talked for a long time. Later that evening I was sent to Prairie psych hospital - was no more fill out the questionnaire - I was there almost 30 days.  That was when I was finally dx BP1,  with schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Later on I was in the hospital almost 4 times - 3 for med resistant problems, and the other one, my last hospitalization was because my 2 yr old son passed away in June. Plus I finally decided to divorce my husband. Was just a lot of stress in one month for me and I had no one but my friends here to help me through it all.

Still playing the med game trying to get it right.  but I hold confidence soon will have the right combo. Now I live alone with 2 of my kids - little john is temporarily in foster care.  He is BP2 also, and with the divorce, and loss of his brother he just needs some extra guidance right now, which I just cant give him. Things have gotten a lot better and more structured here but not giving in is the key thing.

Knowing when to get help and not be afraid to ask makes it much easier now for me.  My friends at BPWorld really got me through all this mess.  Thank you never seems enuff.  I just hope others can get the strength to seek help when they need it.

Take care and your friend always ~ tazizme/krista



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