Vicentés Story - a translation from Spanish to English through Babelfish


This it is a file of free writing. In him story my pains, my joys or my miseries so and as come to my head. At the moment I am in a slight depressive crisis. The studies go to me bad and  they always were my main reason for satisfaction in the life since from the adolescence I have not had many friends nor friends.

 

A long time ago it wanted to write, but when it had the opportunity back threw by shame or lack to me of inspiration.

 

Sometimes I am scared to be frustrating. Not to recover the desire to study and to fail. But the fear dissipates because this other times have passed me and I have recovered. Even so I am scared to coexist with this disease all my life and not to include/understand why. I am scared to be different, not to have relations with women, to not knowing why, not accepting to me. And other times I am not scared to anything and I am created able of any thing, and lose the control and soon I depress myself like now.

 

And when I think all this I believe that I am a peculiar type with "a likeable" disease and this consoles to me.

 

When I feel able of all I feel able to be professional soccer player or a genius of the physics or the chess without effort. This and the euphoria and lack of inhibition take to me to make things of which I regret now, but other things I do not regret. I long for those sensations and I also long for the periods of normality in which it seems to me that I am not going to fall. But the experience makes you be cautious and to respect the danger. I am contented with the medication and the doctors. I hope not to have never to be committed more.

 

This year I do not feel like with desire nor capacity to take the course successfully. I feel the necessity to tell it to everybody. Nonencounter consolation in anybody, except in which they do not give any advice me and is limited to listen to me. Nonwork, I occupy the time in going to the classes (not to understand anything almost), to swim, to see tele and to accompany to my brother the consultation. Hardly I leave. To only go to the cinema with friends of the faculty. Also I go to soccer with my brother. I hope that to write this is to me of utility.

 

When I am in class it bad step. Other years I enjoyed, even liked to study. Now it is to me very difficult. In class I dedicate myself to think about my situation, in trying to include/understand it.

 

I think specially that my main problem is my relation with the others, with the girls. I feel like discomfort when I am before a girl whom I like, that not saying itself.

I believe that the origin of this is in my childhood. I had a private doctor who insisted on this. It asked to me if of small my parents they helped me to solve the problems that it had or left I single I grasped myself. I did not understand this question nor knew the answer. When I was frustrated he said me that he could include/understand me to my same one if did the suitable questions to me. This disturbed to me and caused that the therapy did not give fruits of fast way.

 

Now, three years after those sessions of psycotherapy treatment to remove benefit to them, to include/understand its questions, to raise the correct  questions to me and to respond them. Thus I have thought that it is truth that my father never spoke with me neither with my brother of sex nor of girls in our childhood and adolescence. One night of the last summer in which it could not sleep due to an ascent in my mood I told this to my father. The poor man gave the reason me. He I remain orphan when he was very small and he had to put itself to work with ten years. I believe that the fact that it lost his father so soon can explain that it has not known to communicate with his children.

 

I would like to control my ascents. Not to make trivialities. But when I am raised I believe that already I am cured, that no longer I will have to eat plus the head, that I will be successful with the girls. If some it rejects to me, it gives me equal, because the ascents come after to have had good results in the studies, that are like the mattress that saves a fall. But I lose the control and I make things that put my relatives nervous. Mainly to my mother. We discussed by any triviality, I become suspicaz very. Many desire enter to me to go to me of house and I see myself perfectly enabled  to find a a job and to study at the same time. Later when I retake the studies I realize of which I cannot be concentrated. This makes deduce me that it is not possible to follow thus, I feel incapable to make reality my illusions. Then I depress myself, I become miedoso, I become to eat the head. 

 

I think that when I enter a maniaca phase treatment to live the experiences that my timidity has made difficult to me to live. Treatment to compensate a poor adolescence in relations, specially with the girls. For that reason one of the first symptoms is that I disinhibit myself, treatment to bind urgently.

 

I ask myself which is the reason that it finds to me related little. This is what I think: when he was small I had a pair of fights with my better friend of the district. After the fights I felt like loser and developed a great resentment towards my friend. I lost much confidence in him. Later, in the last courses of the school also I fought myself with my better friend of the school. In the institute somewhat similar step.  All these fights are normal between adolescent children or, but it seems that my they marked to me deeply. My thesis is that as a result of these fights I lost confidence in having deep friendships. I did not know to pardon my friends. Aside from this, in the institute I had a acne very hard and was with a complex. These are some excuses. I suppose that the explanation is more complex or perhaps more difficult to find.

 

My brother is not much successful with the girls either. Memory that when it had fifteen years the girls harassed  to him, but it rejected them. He has never had fiancèe. Now he leaves with old or very ugly women who create problems to him. He tries to hide it. I believe that she is not well what does and gives much pain me. There am lost much confidence with him. It is impossible to speak to him of the subject. When it never leaves says where it goes or it lies. Also it suffers mental problems as a result of to have consumed drugs. It gives the sensation me of which it does not put anything of its part to recover. It always has been a datum point for my, for that reason he gives fear to also finish me being failing with the women.

 

When I had about twelve years I was more of a year without speaking with my brother as a result of an absurd fight. It unjustly accused to me to have broken glasses to him. Not if this could affect to me or can explain something.

 

I have a fear to which nonencounter an explanation. I am scared to throw a fiancèe to me and whom to my brother between it envies to him and it tries to annoy the relation. I have another preoccupation: not to be able to take ahead a relation, not to know how to maintain the relation. Throughout my life I have rejected many girls. In my house always they have said to me that I am very handsome; I have been believed it. I have had the high strip. Sometimes I have liked a girl and when I have discovered that it liked I to lazy her to interesting to me.

 

With my mother it did not take to me very well in the preadolescence and the adolescence. When he fought to me with my sisters or my brother had the sensation of which she always harmed to me. Memory that of small when coming out gave to kisses and exaggerated pushes me of the school. This made develop certain arisques me towards her. After my first buds of disease we returned to take to us well, but I follow without being affectionate with her.

 

My private doctor said to me that my form to be did damage to me and that it was on time to change it (it was eighteen years old). He said to me that someday he would cheer to me of to have had a psicótico bud. According to him (I the same think) my main problem is that I do not have sufficient self-esteem, that it worries too much to me what the others think of me, and that only I dare to relate to me very uninhibitedly when I think that I am perfect, huge (for example, when I think that I can be soccer player). The sessions were complicated, I I did not collaborate because it felt to me attacked. My mother said me that she had to see the doctor like a friend. I put myself to the defensive and she felt  to me wounded; perhaps because the truth hurts.

 

At the moment I am depressive. There am lost the taste that in normal conditions I have by my studies. I do not have a group of friends with whom to leave to pass it well. In addition long ago that I do not leave. It can that the concept to pass it is very demanding well for me. When he was small enchanted to me to play soccer in the street. When my friends of the district and I grew soccer I stop being the main divertimento. I only lowered when she gambled soccer. In addition, the studies began to be very important for me, demanded the maximum to me. It passed the afternoons doing the duties and studying. Memory that one takes, when it was about eleven years old, I lay down to cry in the bed because it had to study (i myself was demanded it) and it could not leave to play. In conclusion, I believe that me I have not passed it better making another thing than playing soccer in the district.

 

I would like to leave the depression and to have something similar to a bud but with  automatic control. To disinhibit to me, but not of brutal way. I believe that I have had more or less long periods in these conditions, under medication, in which I have been very happy and the things went to me very well. Really, I would like to not absolutely return to me crazy but. My mother says that the doctors would not have to clear all  the medication to me.

 

My first psicótico bud was preceded of a stay in the institute (in fact a private school) in which relates little to me. It envied, like many of my friends, to a gang, in whom they were the handsome girls but, who seemed to pass it very well to it. To me I had liked to be friend of them, but my timidity or my complexes me prevented it.

 

During the last course I obtained the Extraordinary Prize of Baccalaureate. A rock group listened whose letters alluded continuously to the confidence in one same one and  produced in me a euforizante effect. In addition, it read books of an author  who counted histories of messianic personages. All this was a cocktail that caused a unknown behavior. A day, while it listened the rock group, I put myself to cry very heartbrokenly, being sorry to me of all that of which it thought that my timidity had prevailed to me. From then I disinhibited myself completely. I gave a rose and a book to a girl who had fiancè, robbed books in department store, interrupted the professors in class continuously, made laugh to my companions with my interventions. It felt to me most popular of the school. In the street it spoke with strangers; it distributed pamphlets of the rock group. It felt to me able to make any thing. My tutor warned my parents and decided to take to me to urgencies after consulting to me. I accepted, felt to me important, thought that they would realize with which he was superequipping, which it was an exceptional case. When the doctor took care of to me I thought that that one was a prepared psychiatrist specially for cases like mine. I was very thin and were lost the dream and the desire to eat. He commanded to me to take Ziprexa. He by day directed me to the Unit. When I read I prospect of the medicine I thought that it was for unique cases. In addition, in the Unit by day they said to me that they were going to me to put in the program Bridge. Also this seemed to me something special. It underwent paranoias.

 

After days of controlled euphoria the depression came when it could not concentrate to me. My mother saw me undergo so much that we committed the error to go to a psychiatrist deprived instead of waiting for the appointment with the Unit by day. This deprived psychiatrist, the great prestige, already had dealed with my brother. He cleared the Ziprexa to me and he assured to me that he would remove matriculation to end from course. He sent Motiván and  Tegretol to me. To the few days I returned to feel euphoric. I returned to rob books and to make other things like those of the first ascent. In addition, I went a pair of times to urgencies by my account.  In house we debated if it had to follow with the private doctor or to go by day to the Unit. We decided the second. When it went to the hospital with my mother and my father I had a discussion with this one last one. I left running and I put in urgencies. They decided to enter to me. It was at the end of January. To my it seemed unjust to me. I resisted uselessly. Still I think that this entrance was fruit of the bad luck.

 

Ever since he was very small I lived with the sensation on which it would get to be somebody very important. It was of most outstanding of the class, sang and it danced sevillana very either, it played soccer very or and all they said to me that he was very handsome. It had the sensation of which everything what it surrounded to me was a fiction, of which was the protagonist of a great scientific experiment.

 

In the hospital it passes it bad. It wanted to go out there as soon as possible. It was worse than a jail; there is nor so at least no a patio. It took much medication and it ate atrociously reason why I got fat much. Memory that I got to think that they had entered to help to me other patients to cure itself. I was inside about twenty days. When I still left he was euphoric and it thought that it could approve the course. Memory that it enchanted to me to play soccer with small children in the club. In all my ascents I have done this. This is one of the things which I do not regret.

 

I went to class and my companions and my tutor animated to me and they wanted to help to me to put me to the day. But I could not, did not have forces. I decided to repeat course. This got depressed to me. On the other hand I began weekly sessions with doctor Gálvez. These sessions lasted a year and means. At the end of the sessions, already without medication, the Dr Gálvez said to me that he called it if he had something important that to say to him because "the work" was becoming "very it costs above". But I did not return to see him. This disease is very traicionera.

 

Still today I think that I will end up being successful in the life. I believe that it is a defense mechanism before the depression. I think that I have qualities, but that my mood prevents me to use them. At the same time I feel like culprit. I doubt if nonstudy because I cannot be concentrated or because I have laziness. I am scared because my race I have let like. I hope that he is fleeting.

 

At moments as these I would like to have a gang of friends, a fiancèe or a work, but at least it is enabled to obtain some of these things I feel. However, when I am raised yes that I feel enabled.

 

The doctors say to me that I must leave and make friends, but I do not have desire now. I am scared to be rejected and a low self-esteem. A psicoafectivo upheaval has diagnosed me. The Dr Gálvez said to me that he could change my way to be, that my relation with the others was like a subjet that it had to approve. But I already am in favor sufficiently sad of not being able to study like also worrying to me about that. I want to cure itself but I do not have desire to leave the ends week.

 

I have thought about leaving to the studies this year,  but then it would have to go to the factories and that desires to me still less. When I rise in the morning I do not have desire of anything. During both last years it raised cheers to me. My companions are surprised to see me so sad. Desire enter to me to cry. I think that if next year I follow thus I am in a hell.

 

I repeated C.O.U. and I was recovering the spirit throughout the course, in agreement was approving with little effort. I made few but good friends. In the recreations we used to go to play the pin-pon. I passed it really well. I decided to let worry me about my relations with the others, not press to me. The selectivity arrived and I approved without problems. Me I passed it very well while it did. Before it had requested to him to leave to a girl of the school that did not accept. My brother gave an advice badly me: not to insist. Moan to him to have made case. After the selectivity I returned to raise, I felt released to me. A year before I felt much pain when seeing my companions to finish it.

 

I left with friends to celebrate the end of the selectivity, I strained myself in the end of the Glass of the King doing to me to happen through member of catering, on the following day I spent the morning playing soccer through the streets of the center, I even gave blows from a ball him to the Giralda. In the club I put myself to play soccer to four of in the heat of month of June afternoon. Not even it decided to me that year ago and means been it had entered.

 

My parents were of trip and I felt with more freedom. I decided to go out the club to house, but I thought about occurring a return by the center. I put in an American bar-restaurant where it used to reunite to me to eat with my friends. There I put myself to sing songs of the rock group that as much altered to me. While it sang I put to cry very intensely. This time even gets to think that the songs spoke of me.

The paranoia was stronger and dangerous. I left the bar and I put myself to run (that night I walked and I ran much), I stopped to cry in a vestibule with the t-shirt on the head. Then I had an auditory hallucination. I listened: "Vicente has stopped itself". I rose and I continued walking and running, dancing, speaking with strangers, even stopping a car of the police... It thought that all my life had been and was being controlled. I arrived at the hospital, to urgencies, and they recommended to me to go me to my house. In house my brothers and my grandmother very were worried. They were the four or the five in the morning.

 

On the following day I fought myself with a boy of the club because he thought that the ball had robbed me. At night, I put in the shower. I have left in her long time and my brother requested to me that he left. Cabreé and I began to give whines more hard me than I could. I fought myself with my brother and they entered to me. This time I did not resist. I returned to think that he was very special and to before have other sensations similar to those of a year and means. It suffered messianism.

 

When sadder I am and desire enter to me to cry I feel in my interior that I am going away to put well. It does not matter to me not to have many friends, I value more what I have; my family, my likings, i myself and my solitude. Specially this one seems to me wonderful.

 

My present medical one has said to me after reading to him all previously written which it would have to write more about events of my daily life, less abstract things. To me this seems very difficult to me, because I think that my life is very boring. For example today I have risen with great laziness and sadness; even so something more animated being Friday and not to have classes in the evening. I have gone to the faculty with my brother and my father (they take to me in car). In the way we listened to the news of the war in Iraq. When arriving at the faculty I have entered class and I have seated in my habitual seat without hardly speaking with anybody, not to have companions to whom I am related normally, but because my mood prevents to find placentera me a conversation of this type.

 

The first class has been the one of electromagnetism. She is the one that less bores since profit to understand something to me of which it is explained. It does not happen the same with the other two classes that I have had, during which is difficult to maintain the eyes to me open. I dedicate myself to think about music to spend the time.

 

In the recreation I have left single and I have been going to buy a pie to me. Soon I have met with the three better friends than I have done in the faculty. We spoke almost always of soccer. I suspect that one of them is homosexual since much approaches me (physically speaking). It has fiancèe and not that to think. It makes me feel incomodo very. It could follow, but already I have gotten tired of this day.

 

I like the sunny afternoons in which I wait for seated in a bank from the campus  the door of my faculty that she begins my classes of German. Desire that by chance finds the girl me of my life, for example to a wonderful girl that I knew while we made selectivity. I know that it studies Psychology. I found me two years later and I do not know because I did not request the telephone to him. The case is that nor I cross myself to me the mind...

 

The other day I left with friends of the club. Already time did that one of them return proposed me to go to give, but to me not much pleases me what they do, which is to drink basically in the street, and in addition had few desire to leave.

I was most of the time speaking with one of them, whom also a slight mental upheaval has according to account, and were very interesting some of the things that said to me. It says that aid to imagine a circle to him divided in four regions: Relations, Balance,  Occupation and Work. In addition, each portion could one divide it in others. He would be advisable to have full all the parts of the circle. Also it told me that he is to him very rewarding to do every day, or those that can, something new, something different and impulsive to feel better with same himself. Finally it said to me that he is advisable to improve the self-esteem to draw a tree in a paper with his fruits and their roots. In the fruits they are had to write the objectives or profits that one is able to reach. In the roots the qualities that have allowed us to reach those goals.

I said to him to this friend who seemed to me a very wise person and whom he would include to him in these writings.

From now on I am going to indicate the date in that I write.

 

28-3-03.

My brother has commented me who when she was adolescent and the girls harassed to him, he did not take advantage of it because still he was immature (he did not have hairs in the armpit until the sixteen years). I think that to me he has been able to me to happen the same.

I have many desire of which my brother has fiancèe. I have advised to think less to him about sex. He says me that sex is very important and I respond to him that to the women they do not like the men who think thus. As for me, for a long time not me masturbo. I want to clean my mind of obscene thoughts to see if therefore it is to me easier to relate to me to the girls. In addition, after masturbar itself it invades a feeling to me of very disagreeable fault and solitude. I try to look for a girl with whom to maintain a friendship relation. My brother says that I am becoming "curilla".

29-4-03

In Easter my brother, my twin sister and I went to the beach. We passed it well, we ed ***reflx mng ourselves much. I got upset sometimes with them because it seems to me that they spent too much money. In that I look myself like my mother. My father, however is gastoso. This and other things have taken to me to invent a hypothesis that seems to me interesting: that the children of parents with faced personalities tend by some reason related to this confrontation to be more ready to suffer mental diseases.

My uncle has had another son with whom second woman will be his. It seems to be that he wants that I am the padrino. This fills to me of pride. My mother and my grandmother say that I am the son who my uncle always wanted to have. They tell me that I look much like him when was young in my form to act. This pleases me because I always have admired my uncle.

8-5-03

The Dr Guerrero has changed the medication to me. I have a little fear to that it does not feel to me well. But I trust that the fear goes to me. The Dr Guerrero is a distant person. He uses just a short time in listening the patient and acts with a superiority air. Nonencounter the moment for speaking with him of my preoccupations. It can that is not that what I need.

The summer approaches. I believe that there am lost something of weight. At least I have been long time without getting fat. This animates to me. I hope to be animated and with desire to study for the course that comes. I must let worry to me not to be able to come to help to my brother in the consultation. I want to go to class in the morning and to study and to swim in the afternoons. I want to return to enjoy studying and being in class. To take impeccable notes. For it I must be concentrated and not to lose the thread. It can that within a year, two or more returns to fall. But this does not have to worry to me now.

15-5-03

I am in the consultation with my brother. I am something depressive. Long ago heat. I return to be scared not to be able to study the course that comes. I see my companions in class and some that you have not been as shining as I in both first courses they find out the explanations. But it is, according to tell to them, enough more difficult east course of third. I am going to have to make an effort to me much if I want to approve. This then worries to me I do not know if I will be able to support the mental fatigue that the studies can create to me.

 

These last days of course I go the two first hours to classes and later I am going to swim. Me the volume with tranquillity. I feel bad because with the age that I have (twenty-three years) still I have not worked, excepting when I am in the consultation.

I believe that it has few qualities to like the girls. I am timid and I flee to make friends. In addition I am egoistic. I do not like that they help me. I am a solitaire that does not know to conquer the girls and who can that has the very high strip. I believe that I am very attractive. I think that him taste to the girls, but when a girl I like me enters fear to me and not why. I ask myself if I will be able to take a relation with a girl. I do not see myself remembering all the anniversaries and other days to make gifts. I do not have desire to change my way to be. I hope that it finds some girl to whom they do not concern my defects to him and that I like.

Whenever I have tried to bind I have been something or very raised. Not if this is a serious problem. Would like to be a little raised I permanently.

20-5-03

In the class of German there is a girl whom I like much. I think enough about her and I believe that I am falling in love although not yet we have spoken. I know how it is called and that it studies Philosophy. It has a small defect, I have seen it smoke. The classes finish and I am afraid that I am not going to have a good opportunity to speak with her considering my timidity. In addition I think that it is probable that it has fiancè. In any case I am contented to thus feel something after almost a year.

22-5-03

Some nights of summer I dedicate myself to observe a girl who remains single in her house and she is dedicated to dance. I calculate that it will be about sixteen years old. I believe that it knows that I watch it. I do it from my room.

I feel that I want to be different from the rest of people. I am not satisfied to being one more of the pile. It is clear that all we are different, but what I want it is to emphasize. Perhaps this is related to my difficulty to have friends, my deliriums of greatness. Other times I am "modest more" and I am satisfied to having a work that I like and making much money.

29-5-03

I am again in the consultation with my brother. The classes already have finished and it waits for a summer to me in which I will dedicate myself to swim, to make gymnastics and to come to the consultation. Sometimes I consider the possibility of putting cartelitos announcing me to give particular classes. But the truth is that I do not have desire. I am scared to work. This is the sad truth.

This disease allows darte you tells that the happiness is lost with much facility. The happiness is ephemeral. Mainly if it bases in the studies or the work, if you do not take a life affectively heals; that is to say, if you do not have friends who support to you at the difficult moments. I wonder myself if my personal relations enter within which it is possible to be considered normal. The case is that it worries to me and it makes me now undergo thinking that I do not have friends, that would need to me.

I feel a knot in the throat, an oppression in the chest. A pain, desperation feeling. I feel hope later, because also there are things that make me enjoy and because other times I have left the depression. Next I feel fear of which this disease makes me suffer periodically.

Perhaps yes that he has friends and someday know to enjoy them. Friends do not have porqué to be only those that you see frequently, those with which march salts at night. Memory the friends of the district, the school and the institute. Long ago that I do not see most of them.

11-6-03

I am worried because I believe that my mother treats to me and my brother to us as if we were young. When I am euphoric I reveal against this maternal protectionism.

Desire enter to me to go to me of house. I ask myself if he is not legitimate to wish that. I wonder myself if someday I will be able to go to me of house and to live my life without he is crazy. I wonder myself if I will discover someday how I want and I can be without doing damage to me to same me and to the others. I want to feel frees, as I feel when I am euphoric, but do not want to be ill.

When I put myself euphoric I put to speak without stopping. Now I realize of which I get to be annoying for the others. I put my relatives nervous. I cannot be shut up. I believe that I must detect that I am animated before the nerves seize of me. The other times, when I left the depression and I began to feel animated I did not communicate my doctor. It is an error that there am to correct.

17-6-03

In the morning, while it ordered the notes that I have taken east year and that they have not served for almost anything, I felt yesterday that the course that comes I am going to be able to study with taste and to approve. They are moments of optimism that I have once in a while and I believe that they are a good symptom. I have thought about removing from the library some book of Quantum Physics to stare at it what it desires east summer to me, without no oppression nor obligation to understand nothing.

When he was small, in prestudent it did not play with the rest of the children the war, but that played with my twin sister and her friends to make palmitas. Later when he left with my friends with twelve or thirteen years to go to the cinema or to play the park memory that when they began to crack jokes or to play to send to us naranjitas, I fitted bad these jokes and games. He even ended up crying. He will have influenced this in my difficulty to relate to me.

I incessantly look for the origin of my disease, my few relations (mainly with girls). Perhaps but it does not have sense to look for them. I feel that I do not obtain aid of anybody. The doctor of the Unit by day as soon as he dedicates to ten or fifteen minutes every six months to me and does not remember much the previous sessions.

23-6-03

In the swimming pool to that I go there is a small friend of the family. He is something wild and ingenuous sometimes. Recently he cut with the fiancè. He has asked to me if I want to go to me with her of trip. He went in serious. It is not a paranoia mine. I have said to him that yes playfully. I see difficult that I end up accepting. The truth is that he is something that has animated to me. Ever since I knew it I have had the sensation of which it had a special esteem to me.

The group of friends of the faculty with whom I go once in a while to the cinema and I have things in common. These are the lack of security and the timidity with the girls. In the school it happened to me the same with the friends whom it had. I believe that I end up thus relating to me to people indeed because they have those characteristics. With them I feel safe. At the same time there is in me a repressed desire to relate to me to safe people of itself. But it would not feel to me safe with them. The result is that I am not satisfied absolutely with me, with my friends nor with which we do.

I return to be very worried about the course that comes. I am distressing sleepy on the matter. I have removed the book from Quantum Physics of the library. I understand some things, but I must dedicate long time to them.

25-6-03

In an occasion, a psychologist of the Unit by day said to me that when returned to me to put euphoric, this one euphoria could be canalized by day with the help of the Unit. This gave hopes me. I feel that when I am euphoric my mind works much more fast of the normal thing. Perhaps, if this activity could be canalized, if benefit could be removed from her, my mind would not have porqué to create false and delirious ideas. But when ill I am myself forced by my family to repress much of which I want to say or to do. They do not accept that I can be different from as I am normally. I recognize that it is difficult for them when I behave of unusual form. What I can do. Desire enter to me to make sport, to write, to read, to know people, to enjoy the life.

9-7-03

I have the sensation sometimes to hate my older brother. It always has been a referring one for me. But much has defrauded me the things that have done badly throughout their life. I do not know if this has marked to me significantly. If this outside thus, would have to surpass it.

I am going to write the things that irritate to me or shame of my brother:

It smokes much (almost two daily packages); he is an immature one in many aspects, it is obsessed with its image (it is 32 years old) and does not have friends hardly because he is distrustful one; he is a cynical one, it does not accept the critics that we do its relatives to him and its Maxima is that it is not the guilty of being how is and it cannot make nothing to improve; it only binds with old and/or ugly women because I suppose that it does not trust he himself; it does not believe in the love, for him what it impels to him to be with a woman is only sex.

On the other hand I feel that it has jealousy of me because I am nine years younger and am studying what I like (something that he has not done). She is one envies healthy, I know that one is glad for me. But sometimes that envies can be materialized in certain aggressiveness.

10-7-03

My low self-esteem takes to me to think that I do not deserve myself to have intimate fiancèe or friends. I do not see myself the height that I believe that it deserves to correspond to a good friendship. Of course this is become serious when I am gotten depressed. When I am not it and mainly when I am euphoric my perception changes and I value more.

My problem is that I value myself positively when the studies go to me well. Nonencounter other reasons in my life that make increase my self-esteem me. He can that to have a good state of form (a good physicist).

The doctors say to me that I must be related and value my friendships more. This is easy to say. The reality whereupon I am is difficult because I do not like the friends who I have. Last Saturday I rejected to go to the cinema with a companion of the faculty. It would not be easier to value my way to be, or it is that it is not possible to be as I am. In truth I believe that me it would make happier have a faithful fiancèe that a group of friends.

15-7-03

I am going to describe my situation thus:

I am timid, uncertain, with lack of confidence in same me, dissuaded, have a disease... The causes that have taken to me to be thus try to find them but I need aid for it and I doubt if doctor Guerrero is arranged to it with a minimum of interest. The case is that I feel single and boring, with affective deficiencies. In order to defend me I imagine that it will arrive someday in which the things change and has an amused life, that is successful when relating to me to the others, to even be  professional soccer player. When the things go to me well in the studies I feel that that dreamed moment has arrived and lose the timidity, me desboco. Soon I realize which I do a little the ridiculous situation, I depress myself and I am a year without being able to study.

The next time that sees doctor Guerrero I am going to speak to him of this restlessness that I have. I want to know if it serves as something to speak with him of which they are the possible causes of my disease. Also I want to know which is my present situation, which is my disease, if he is curable or no.

When I hear that such-and-such sportsman or artist has gotten to prevail to an age smaller than mine I feel a little sad because I think that I could have obtained some similar feat if she had dedicated to me to something with interest from small. I cannot avoid to blame my parents by not to have worried about this. Not only in me, but in none of my brothers. But soon I reflect and I realize of which he is not right to blame to them. In addition, no longer it serves as anything. The truth is that I never put much interest in no extralectiva activity. My parents did not want to force nothing to us. If I am father someday, would like to dedicate time to discover I what  they like my children and to help them to do what they want. Moan that my father never dedicated time to us to be almost always working. Moan that it did not have a father who taught to him how to be father.

16-7-03

My life is singsong, for that reason I speak little of the things that happen to me; because hardly if it passes nothing to me. The classes finished and as work nor study step the mornings in the sofa not seeing tele. In the afternoons the thing improves; now I like to come to the consultation after going to swim.

But I have decided that tomorrow, when is going to buy merienda, that my brother and I enjoyed all the afternoons, I am going to say something to him to a teller of the supermarket that I like. I mean to him: "Vanesa, I like". I am not going to him to lie (something that I detest). I think that it is good for me. It does not concern too much to me that it rejects to me (he is safest). That girl I like and I am going to act of the form who I know and who make me feel more comfortable. In addition, I will learn of the experience. I do not have anything to lose. It would be the first time that attempt to bind without being euphoric.

17-7-03

I did it. I said to him to the teller whom I like. It was more difficult of which it hoped. I put myself quite nervous. When it was receiving to me, I said to him with trembly voice:

·        Hears... Vanesa, no? - then it, with the opened mouth, yawed her left eye. I believe that it was a sample of surprise and distrust -. I want that you know... that I like.

·        Ah, very well! - she answered smiling with naturalness, as if that said it every day.

·        She does not matter to you, no?

·        Not my weapon, what is going to me to matter?

·        Good, good bye - I with an average smile responded, something calmer.

·        Good bye.

 

I believe that it has taken it with professionalism. It is working and  it did not want problems of any type. In addition she will be customary to all type of piropos and hints on the part of the clients. Also it can be that it even has fiancè or that is married.

It will think that I am  ingenuous or leaving and can that is right.

Perhaps, if its answer had not put me so nervous (something that she perceived without a doubt) would have been different.

The important thing is that I have acquired one more a experience. In addition, if someday I see it in other circumstances, I will already have a taken step.

I am contented of to it to have said it. In ahead I will continue buying there, but I will not do any other hint to him. I do not believe that to her it does much grace to him. But I do not think to be shamed. I have not committed any crime nor I have made nothing bad.

This day can have supposed a point of flexion in my way to relate to me to the girls.

I believe that these memories have helped me to declare to me before that girl. To write my experiences of the past and the present constitutes an important one escape route. It is as if when writing it felt to me listened by somebody comprehensive one. For example, I am not going to say nothing to him of this to  my brother; I like their advice neither their way to help me, and the less still the jokes that would do on the matter.

Already for some weeks I have been returning to masturbar to me with assiduity. It does not invade any feeling of fault nor solitude to me after doing it. I believe that these are symptoms which I am leaving the depression.

22-7-03

Today I have returned to buy in the supermarket. When paying, the teller me has thrown a long glance, like examinee to me. I do not know if it likes I or no. What I know is that it would not have watched to me thus if I were not bold the other day to say to him that I like. I have liked his way to watch to me.

I am lately meditating much to discover why I have put the strip with the women so high. The first reason is that they always said to me of small that I was very handsome. But it can have others. When it was five years old, in parvulito  I liked very many a companion who was the best friend of my twin sister. I would say that I felt towards her love, that was enamored with her. But I did not say it. I only had a insinuante gesture. It is that we played much the rabbit of the luck she, my sister and I. She and I always kissed my sister, but a day I to her dared to kiss it.

When this girl grew, in the last E.G.B. courses, were very handsome of body and of face and all the children we were in favor crazy of her. I let speak with her (my sister also, because she changed of school) and I did not like any other girl of the school, that on the other hand was very small. My conclusion is that it compared to the others with her, with my secret love. They did not lack the girls who threw the disks, but I stayed faithful to a love that already considered unattainable. But the main reason by that I believe that it rejected them is that they were not nor half of handsome that loved my. Now that girl is married.

28-7-03

At night I yesterday became to feel gotten depressed. My life is very boring, I have very little diversion, as soon as if I have friends and those who I have are as much or more boring than I. I am twenty-three years old and not yet I have kissed to a girl on the mouth. I am desperate.

It seems that in this state it cannot like no girl who is worth the trouble. To whom it can like somebody as boring as I? It can which physically it likes the girls, but I do not know how to conquer them.  It has already passed the age of the tonteo, the adolescence, and I as soon as I have enjoyed it. Now, in my youth I return to feel that I am letting pass the best years without enjoying them. I do not have money, I do not have car, I do not have good friends, I am not related to girls, I am uncertain, I do not have will force to follow the advice of the doctors who animate to me to leave. But I do not have desire. To make matters worse I have been three years of delay in my studies due to the now alive disease and with the restlessness of not knowing if the next course I will be able to be concentrated.

I have the hope of which some girl takes the first step and she approaches me and that I like. But I think that this has not happened in many years and will be that it is very difficult that it happens.

My other hope is to leave from the depression, thanks to the studies like the others twice, and to stabilize to me in a new state of emotional balance. 

30-7-03

Today my cousin baptizes itself and I will be the padrino. It is the first baptism to that I go (to part of mine) and I am a little nervous.

My uncle does not want that I pay convite because she says that she would seat to him bad that a student like I, who do not work, must spend the money. I say to him that I want to pay but the truth is that two candles would have left me. I do not know in what it will be left the thing.

1-9-03

(In the end my uncle paid and I did to my godson a gift to him).

In August I have been in Chipiona and things have passed me interesting.

I left a pair times with a friend of the chess. He had 19 years (four less than I) and some of his many friends were very small and I did not feel comfortable among them. Other yes they were of my age. In any case I passed it well and I absolutely do not regret to have left with them. The one was always my friend that it looked for to me in the beach or it called to me to propose to me to do something. I never looked for it. He did not have anything to propose.

Every day in the beach he dedicated to me to watch at the girls or women. He looked for those that gave back the glance to me. It is a form to try to bind that he excites to me. Day 30 I remained watching a woman of about 40 years conserved rather well. It already had been several days watching it. The one that seemed to be its husband, that it was quite greater than it seated distant and slept under the parasol while it took the sun on a towel. It gave back the glances to me and one of the times we remained watching us to the eyes during a long short while. She, who was bocabajo and with the undone sujetador I raise the trunk leaving to see him the chest me. Later the head bent and it remained watching to me so that only I could see the only eye him that could be seen him. Then I from top to bottom watched it during long time and she watched to me equal. He was very exciting.

That same day I approached a quite handsome girl who pretended 27 but that she had 30. It had the brown hair but it turned out to be German, of Turkish origin. We spoke in English and a little in German, language who I have studied east year. We spoke a good short while, was very likeable. Before we had watched ourselves fixedly. It said to me that I pretended 25 because he was very mature. I tried to be with her for that night but it said to me that it had plans with its fiancè. We took leave and I did not return to see it on the following day. This was the only occasion in which I tried to bind in east Chipiona year.

These experiences have animated to me. In the middle of month a day only with my aunt was had left nun and my grandmother and I depressed myself enough. But now more I am animated.

I played the Open de Chipiona of chess and me I did not pass it as well as the last year.

I have discovered the wonderful thing that it is to remain watching at a woman the eyes and that this one gives back the glance to you. During seconds it seems that both we comprised of a different universe.

I have already requested appointment for the doctor. It will be Monday that comes. I have thought about speaking with him of which they can be the causes of my disease and if that can help to cure to me.

In October I begin the classes. It would wish not to know anybody the faculty. It even cheers to think this to me. I would like not to have to stop to me to greet no companion. To enjoy for me and my studies all along.

2-9-03

My little experience with the women has made me reach the conclusion that taking an affective and sexually healthy life it is precise to try to bind very frequently. In addition it is precise to be a little mentiroso. It is necessary to put in the paper and to make believe that woman who is the woman of your life. He is even advisable to be deceived one same one in that sense.

I yesterday told to my brother my experience him with the woman of the towel. It has said to me that I am just as he to wish mature women. This has worried to me because I do not want to seem me to him. I see that it has many defects and very laborious a loving life. He himself considers a vicious person and cynically he says to me that I do not understand it because I am not it. At least, to hear this I liked.

5-9-03

Today I have been going to renew the identity membership card and in the long delay I have seen a girl whom I have liked. Mine seated alongside, in the only site that was frees, and it asked me that which number was taking care of. I responded to him nervous and the short while I asked to him if it wanted to take something with me. It said to me that no, that it had already had breakfast. Its answer was so sharp that I dared to insist neither to speak with her the more.

I am losing the paralyzing fear to try to bind when I am not euphoric. It can be this something positive as long as it does not lose the control. I fear that of as much trying it, without success, it sadly makes me famous by my direct form bind. But luckyly the city is the sufficiently great thing like so that this it happens.

The day which I tried to bind in the beach I felt ashamed when I arrived at house and all my family asked to me on my attempt to bind. I got upset with them. Specially I got upset with my father. I had the sensation of which one was making fun of of me. Good, rather I felt that it wanted that habásemos of the subject as if we had always had confidence when speaking of girls.

My form to try to bind is too direct. I do not know if it would have to change, to plan strategies. I do not like this last one. I am too sincere. In this I look myself like my brother. I would like to have somebody advised to me. My brother and my father are not to me useful. First it is as much or more lost than I and the second it has never helped me and I am afraid that already it is too much late.

9-9-03

I spoke yesterday with my psychiatrist. It animated me when saying me that the fact of not taking the initiative in my relations with my friends (not to be I who I call them to propose to them to do something) happens to him to the intelligent people. Also it animated to me that it assured to me that would not have problems in approving the course. On the other hand I said to the one of my childhood and the possibilities to him that knowing something of her or my adolescence it would have to develop my personality. It said me that in a next future she could be useful to see to me a psychologist. This also I also animate myself, not only because the psychologists usually are very handsome, but because I feel that I have much to tell and that I need aid to put the things in order, to know what things of which I think are important or in which I am mistaken.

Last night I thought about what would tell the psychologist. It would tell him that I do not feel comfortable in some occasions, when I am being related. That I fear that the others perceive that I am different, that they perceive my insecurity. That they reject to me, mainly the girls. That she worries me to a girl never to have kissed. That this it is the most evident symptom of than I am not  absolutely normal or that she makes me feel to me uncertain.

23-9-03

The beginning of the classes approaches. I am distressing sleepy in which I am in class and I do not concentrate myself. I have bought the notebooks and already I have filled to the papers of the matriculation and the scholarship. It is very possible that this year me they do not grant it.

They are going to give the prize to me to the best sportsman of the section of chess of the club. This has cheered to me enough. The chess delegate said to me that he had been voted, but already received the prize three years ago reason why second more voted (I) he will receive east year. My family will be there.

I continue seeing the teller of the supermarket that I like. I have the impression that it watches to me with distrust, but confess that I maintain the hope that someday it says something to me. I know that it is very difficult but on illusion it is lived.

Also I continue observing from the window from my room the girl who danced. No longer it dances much but I see it putting and clearing the table many nights. Sometimes it seems to me that it sees me and fantaseo with the possibility of seeing it someday in the street and of presenting/displaying to me.

26-9-03

Today my brother has left only with the car and has returned to the ten minutes. My parents were not in house, only my twin sister and of I. We have asked to him where he has gone and he said that to give a return. I think that she has been going to buy marijuana. In addition I think that my sister him aid to do it without raising suspicions.

2-10-03

I have already begun the classes. It seems that I find out me the explanations and that I concentrate myself when studying, but still I have something of fear to the examinations and the subjet of Optics. Before each class also I have a little fear not to find out to me well the things.

My two better friends of the faculty have left to the race (one insurance and the other does not signal life) reason why I am something single in the recreations. I am not comfortable with the people whom there is. When I bring closer a group with whose components I have something of confidence, I do not do it with much security and I physically remain without bringing closer itself absolutely to them. It costs to me to put to me among them and to follow its conversations. But this worries to me very little in comparison with the studies.

Today me companion has said that is going to have supper with him and other companions and companions (with whom already I have left other times), but is Thursday and it does not desire to me to have to gather to me late. For that reason I have said to him that no.

These four first days of class like most of days of other courses I have left to the recreation without waiting for nobody. I go to mine. I fear that this is not healthy for me. I fear that this one is a indicative of which I am an egoistic person. But the certain thing am that therefore I feel comfortable, I do not like the trivial conversations and I prefer to be next to a person who values silence. But other times, when I am a little euphoric, unemployment not to try to make laugh to which it is to my side. I believe that I have this double personality. The intermediate state costs to me or not with himself.

 

14-10-03

I have been two weeks of class and I begin to be optimistic. I am not studying much, one hour daily at the most. When it begins to solve problems I will have to dedicate more time to him. Still I have some doubts with the subjet of Optics and the practices. The professor of Optics is not good, but treatment to see the subjet and its explanations like something interesting.

No longer I see the teller whom I like in the supermarket. I believe that it has let work or that it is of vacations. I ask myself that it will think of me; I ask myself that the women will think of me. My deliriums of greatness times and my low self-esteem other make believe me to me different from most of the men. This takes to me to think that it will be difficult to find fiancèe me. The truth is that I have desire to find the love.

 

17-10-03

It gives me envies heals it that they are the relations of some of my companions of faculty. I am not so expressive or extroverted as they. When I am euphoric I happen to me of extrovert, so that I have serious problems to be related as much as at heart desire.

There is a pair of companions who are still more introverts who I. I like to speak mainly with them and that they speak with me. In class usually they seat to my side, but in the recreation I go away with other companions and they come not very often with us. To me he passes something similar to another level. To times I think that he would have to animate to them more explicitly to come with us, but in reality he does not desire to me, would prefer that they had the initiative necessary to come with us.

I believe that the companions to whom step the recreation also costs to them to be related to girls. Ever since he was in the school I have preferred to relate to me thus to people. Malpensado would think that we are a plain between two mountains of gays.

 

24-10-03

I begin to have serious doubts about if I am able to approve the course. There is a subjet that is very difficult. I prefer not to say to him to people that I have this preoccupation because it would be to repeat what spent the year spent, to create preoccupation surroundings. I cannot avoid to attribute this lack of concentration to the medication; to haloperidol. I do not concentrate myself because I am worried, pessimistic.

 

28-10-03

I am something more optimist now. I have put myself to study optics and other subjets and it seems to me that I can be concentrated well.

It would change my dream of being a celebrity in sciences to find a woman of whom to enamor to me and to have a family with her. It can that the dreams become reality, but most of the times we must resign to many of them and try to make reality other dreams.

 

19-5-04

I have east newspaper a little left then most of the time I am searching, looking for a girl of whom to enamor to me.

Soon they are the examinations and I feel like optimist.

Two months ago I broke an arm playing the futbito (following the advice of the Dr Guerrero). Almost I am already cured. Single I need to be able to rotate the forearm.

I have not returned to have no pseudo relation with any girl. Good, almost none. I am scared to have it before the examinations.

I know many girls by Internet and to all them encounter some defect. A month ago I was with one but me it left planted.

 

9-6-04

I have already begun the examinations and they do not go bad. I have doubts with one but if I suspend I have still another opportunity before September.

I have known a girl by very likeable and handsome Internet that I believe that it would make good pair with me. I have good sensations but I do not want to be touched too much. It is an enchantment.

On the other hand I have developed a new theory on the leading one of my disease. When it was in the school and it felt to me but ready of the class it thought that they were compensated to me for that reason neither in the school nor in the family. For that reason it imagined to me that it was part of an experiment. I have had greatness deliriums from very small.

 

 

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