Vicentés Story - a translation from
Spanish to English through
This it is a file of free writing. In him story my pains, my joys or my miseries
so and as come to my head. At the moment I am in a slight depressive crisis. The
studies go to me bad and they always were my main reason for satisfaction in
the life since from the adolescence I have not had many friends nor friends.
A long time ago it wanted to write, but
when it had the opportunity back threw by shame or lack to me of inspiration.
Sometimes I am scared to be frustrating.
Not to recover the desire to study and to fail. But the fear dissipates because
this other times have passed me and I have recovered. Even so I am scared to
coexist with this disease all my life and not to include/understand why. I am
scared to be different, not to have relations with women, to not knowing why,
not accepting to me. And other times I am not scared to anything and I am
created able of any thing, and lose the control and soon I depress myself like
And when I think all this I believe that
I am a peculiar type with "a likeable" disease and this consoles to me.
When I feel able of all I feel able to be
professional soccer player or a genius of the physics or the chess without
effort. This and the euphoria and lack of inhibition take to me to make things
of which I regret now, but other things I do not regret. I long for those
sensations and I also long for the periods of normality in which it seems to me
that I am not going to fall. But the experience makes you be cautious and to
respect the danger. I am contented with the medication and the doctors. I hope
not to have never to be committed more.
This year I do not feel like with desire
nor capacity to take the course successfully. I feel the necessity to tell it to
everybody. Nonencounter consolation in anybody, except in which they do not give
any advice me and is limited to listen to me. Nonwork, I occupy the time in
going to the classes (not to understand anything almost), to swim, to see tele
and to accompany to my brother the consultation. Hardly I leave. To only go to
the cinema with friends of the faculty. Also I go to soccer with my brother. I
hope that to write this is to me of utility.
When I am in class it bad step. Other
years I enjoyed, even liked to study. Now it is to me very difficult. In class I
dedicate myself to think about my situation, in trying to include/understand it.
I think specially that my main problem is
my relation with the others, with the girls. I feel like discomfort when I am
before a girl whom I like, that not saying itself.
I believe that the origin of this is in
my childhood. I had a private doctor who insisted on this. It asked to me if of
small my parents they helped me to solve the problems that it had or left I
single I grasped myself. I did not understand this question nor knew the answer.
When I was frustrated he said me that he could include/understand me to my same
one if did the suitable questions to me. This disturbed to me and caused that
the therapy did not give fruits of fast way.
Now, three years after those sessions of
psycotherapy treatment to remove benefit to them, to include/understand its
questions, to raise the correct questions to me and to respond them. Thus I
have thought that it is truth that my father never spoke with me neither with my
brother of sex nor of girls in our childhood and adolescence. One night of the
last summer in which it could not sleep due to an ascent in my mood I told this
to my father. The poor man gave the reason me. He I remain orphan when he was
very small and he had to put itself to work with ten years. I believe that the
fact that it lost his father so soon can explain that it has not known to
communicate with his children.
I would like to control my ascents. Not
to make trivialities. But when I am raised I believe that already I am cured,
that no longer I will have to eat plus the head, that I will be successful with
the girls. If some it rejects to me, it gives me equal, because the ascents come
after to have had good results in the studies, that are like the mattress that
saves a fall. But I lose the control and I make things that put my relatives
nervous. Mainly to my mother. We discussed by any triviality, I become suspicaz
very. Many desire enter to me to go to me of house and I see myself perfectly
enabled to find a a job and to study at the same time. Later when I retake the
studies I realize of which I cannot be concentrated. This makes deduce me that
it is not possible to follow thus, I feel incapable to make reality my illusions.
Then I depress myself, I become miedoso, I become to eat the head.
I think that when I enter a maniaca phase
treatment to live the experiences that my timidity has made difficult to me to
live. Treatment to compensate a poor adolescence in relations, specially with
the girls. For that reason one of the first symptoms is that I disinhibit myself,
treatment to bind urgently.
I ask myself which is the reason that it
finds to me related little. This is what I think: when he was small I had a pair
of fights with my better friend of the district. After the fights I felt like
loser and developed a great resentment towards my friend. I lost much confidence
in him. Later, in the last courses of the school also I fought myself with my
better friend of the school. In the institute somewhat similar step. All these
fights are normal between adolescent children or, but it seems that my they
marked to me deeply. My thesis is that as a result of these fights I lost
confidence in having deep friendships. I did not know to pardon my friends.
Aside from this, in the institute I had a acne very hard and was with a complex.
These are some excuses. I suppose that the explanation is more complex or
perhaps more difficult to find.
My brother is not much successful with
the girls either. Memory that when it had fifteen years the girls harassed to
him, but it rejected them. He has never had fiancèe. Now he leaves with old or
very ugly women who create problems to him. He tries to hide it. I believe that
she is not well what does and gives much pain me. There am lost much confidence
with him. It is impossible to speak to him of the subject. When it never leaves
says where it goes or it lies. Also it suffers mental problems as a result of to
have consumed drugs. It gives the sensation me of which it does not put anything
of its part to recover. It always has been a datum point for my, for that reason
he gives fear to also finish me being failing with the women.
When I had about twelve years I was more
of a year without speaking with my brother as a result of an absurd fight. It
unjustly accused to me to have broken glasses to him. Not if this could affect
to me or can explain something.
I have a fear to which nonencounter an
explanation. I am scared to throw a fiancèe to me and whom to my brother between
it envies to him and it tries to annoy the relation. I have another
preoccupation: not to be able to take ahead a relation, not to know how to
maintain the relation. Throughout my life I have rejected many girls. In my
house always they have said to me that I am very handsome; I have been believed
it. I have had the high strip. Sometimes I have liked a girl and when I have
discovered that it liked I to lazy her to interesting to me.
With my mother it did not take to me very
well in the preadolescence and the adolescence. When he fought to me with my
sisters or my brother had the sensation of which she always harmed to me. Memory
that of small when coming out gave to kisses and exaggerated pushes me of the
school. This made develop certain arisques me towards her. After my first buds
of disease we returned to take to us well, but I follow without being
affectionate with her.
My private doctor said to me that my form
to be did damage to me and that it was on time to change it (it was eighteen
years old). He said to me that someday he would cheer to me of to have had a
psicótico bud. According to him (I the same think) my main problem is that I do
not have sufficient self-esteem, that it worries too much to me what the others
think of me, and that only I dare to relate to me very uninhibitedly when I
think that I am perfect, huge (for example, when I think that I can be soccer
player). The sessions were complicated, I I did not collaborate because it felt
to me attacked. My mother said me that she had to see the doctor like a friend.
I put myself to the defensive and she felt to me wounded; perhaps because the
At the moment I am depressive. There am
lost the taste that in normal conditions I have by my studies. I do not have a
group of friends with whom to leave to pass it well. In addition long ago that I
do not leave. It can that the concept to pass it is very demanding well for me.
When he was small enchanted to me to play soccer in the street. When my friends
of the district and I grew soccer I stop being the main divertimento. I only
lowered when she gambled soccer. In addition, the studies began to be very
important for me, demanded the maximum to me. It passed the afternoons doing the
duties and studying. Memory that one takes, when it was about eleven years old,
I lay down to cry in the bed because it had to study (i myself was demanded it)
and it could not leave to play. In conclusion, I believe that me I have not
passed it better making another thing than playing soccer in the district.
I would like to leave the depression and
to have something similar to a bud but with automatic control. To disinhibit to
me, but not of brutal way. I believe that I have had more or less long periods
in these conditions, under medication, in which I have been very happy and the
things went to me very well. Really, I would like to not absolutely return to me
crazy but. My mother says that the doctors would not have to clear all the
medication to me.
My first psicótico
bud was preceded of a stay in the institute (in fact a private school) in which
relates little to me. It envied, like many of my friends, to a gang, in whom
they were the handsome girls but, who seemed to pass it very well to it. To me I
had liked to be friend of them, but my timidity or my complexes me prevented it.
During the last
course I obtained the Extraordinary Prize of Baccalaureate. A rock group
listened whose letters alluded continuously to the confidence in one same one
and produced in me a euforizante effect. In addition, it read books of an
author who counted histories of messianic personages. All this was a cocktail
behavior. A day, while it listened the rock group, I put myself to cry very
heartbrokenly, being sorry to me of all that of which it thought that my
timidity had prevailed to me.
disinhibited myself completely. I gave a rose and a book to a girl who had
fiancè, robbed books in department store, interrupted the professors in class
continuously, made laugh to my companions with my interventions. It felt to me
most popular of the school. In the street it spoke with strangers; it
distributed pamphlets of the rock group. It felt to me able to make any thing.
My tutor warned my parents and decided to take to me to urgencies after
consulting to me. I accepted, felt to me important, thought that they would
realize with which he was superequipping, which it was an exceptional case. When
the doctor took care of to me I thought that that one was a prepared
psychiatrist specially for cases like mine. I was very thin and were lost the
dream and the desire to eat. He commanded to me to take Ziprexa. He by day
directed me to the Unit. When I read I prospect of the medicine I thought that
it was for unique cases. In addition, in the Unit by day they said to me that
they were going to me to put in the program Bridge. Also this seemed to me
something special. It underwent paranoias.
After days of
controlled euphoria the depression came when it could not concentrate to me. My
mother saw me undergo so much that we committed the error to go to a
psychiatrist deprived instead of waiting for the appointment with the Unit by
day. This deprived psychiatrist, the great prestige, already had dealed with my
brother. He cleared the Ziprexa to me and he assured to me that he would remove
matriculation to end from course. He sent Motiván and Tegretol to me. To the
few days I returned to feel euphoric. I returned to rob books and to make other
things like those of the first ascent. In addition, I went a pair of times to
urgencies by my account. In house we debated if it had to follow with the
private doctor or to go by day to the Unit. We decided the second. When it went
to the hospital with my mother and my father I had
with this one last one. I left running and I put in urgencies. They decided to
enter to me. It was at the end of January. To my it seemed unjust to me. I
resisted uselessly. Still I think that this entrance was fruit of the bad luck.
Ever since he was very small I lived with
the sensation on which it would get to be somebody very important. It was of
most outstanding of the class, sang and it danced sevillana very either, it
played soccer very or and all they said to me that he was very handsome. It had
the sensation of which everything what it surrounded to me was a fiction, of
which was the protagonist of a great scientific experiment.
In the hospital it
passes it bad. It wanted to go out there as soon as possible. It was worse than
a jail; there is nor so at least no a patio. It took much medication and it ate
atrociously reason why I got fat much. Memory that I got to think that they had
entered to help to me other patients to cure itself. I was inside about twenty
days. When I still left he was euphoric and it thought that it could approve the
course. Memory that it enchanted to me to play soccer with small children in the
club. In all my ascents I have done this. This is one of the things which I do
I went to class and
my companions and my tutor animated to me and they wanted to help to me to put
me to the day. But I could not, did not have forces. I decided to repeat course.
This got depressed to me. On the other hand I began weekly sessions with doctor
Gálvez. These sessions lasted a year and means. At the end of the sessions,
already without medication, the Dr Gálvez said to me that he called it if he had
something important that to say to him because "the work" was becoming "very it
costs above". But I did not return to see him. This disease is very traicionera.
Still today I think that I will end up
being successful in the life. I believe that it is a defense mechanism before
the depression. I think that I have qualities, but that my mood prevents me to
use them. At the same time I feel like culprit. I doubt if nonstudy because I
cannot be concentrated or because I have laziness. I am scared because my race I
have let like. I hope that he is fleeting.
At moments as these I would like to have
a gang of friends, a fiancèe or a work, but at least it is enabled to obtain
some of these things I feel. However, when I am raised yes that I feel enabled.
The doctors say to me that I must leave
and make friends, but I do not have desire now. I am scared to be rejected and a
low self-esteem. A psicoafectivo upheaval has diagnosed me. The Dr Gálvez said
to me that he could change my way to be, that my relation with the others was
like a subjet that it had to approve. But I already am in favor sufficiently sad
of not being able to study like also worrying to me about that. I want to cure
itself but I do not have desire to leave the ends week.
I have thought about leaving to the
studies this year, but then it would have to go to the factories and that
desires to me still less. When I rise in the morning I do not have desire of
anything. During both last years it raised cheers to me. My companions are
surprised to see me so sad. Desire enter to me to cry. I think that if next year
I follow thus I am in a hell.
I repeated C.O.U.
and I was recovering the spirit throughout the course, in agreement was
approving with little effort. I made few but good friends. In the recreations we
used to go to play the pin-pon. I passed it really well. I decided to let worry
me about my relations with the others, not press to me. The selectivity arrived
and I approved without problems. Me I passed it very well while it did. Before
it had requested to him to leave to a girl of the school that did not accept. My
brother gave an advice badly me: not to insist. Moan to him to have made case.
After the selectivity I returned to raise, I felt released to me. A year before
I felt much pain when seeing my companions to finish it.
I left with friends
to celebrate the end of the selectivity, I strained myself in the end of the
Glass of the King doing to me to happen through member of catering, on the
following day I spent the morning playing soccer through the streets of the
center, I even gave blows from a ball him to the Giralda. In the club I put
myself to play soccer to four of in the heat of month of June afternoon. Not
even it decided to me that year ago and means been it had entered.
My parents were of
trip and I felt with more freedom. I decided to go out the club to house, but I
thought about occurring a return by the center. I put in an American bar-restaurant
where it used to reunite to me to eat with my friends. There I put myself to
sing songs of the rock group that as much altered to me. While it sang I put to
cry very intensely. This time even gets to think that the songs spoke of me.
The paranoia was
stronger and dangerous. I left the bar and I put myself to run (that night I
walked and I ran much), I stopped to cry in a vestibule with the t-shirt on the
head. Then I had an auditory hallucination. I listened: "Vicente has stopped
itself". I rose and I continued walking and running, dancing, speaking with
strangers, even stopping a car of the police... It thought that all my life had
been and was being controlled. I arrived at the hospital, to urgencies, and they
recommended to me to go me to my house. In house my brothers and my grandmother
very were worried. They were the four or the five in the morning.
On the following day
I fought myself with a boy of the club because he thought that the ball had
robbed me. At night, I put in the shower. I have left in her long time and my
brother requested to me that he left. Cabreé and I began to give whines more
hard me than I could. I fought myself with my brother and they entered to me.
This time I did not resist. I returned to think that he was very special and to
before have other sensations similar to those of a year and means. It suffered
When sadder I am and desire enter to me
to cry I feel in my interior that I am going away to put well. It does not
matter to me not to have many friends, I value more what I have; my family, my
likings, i myself and my solitude. Specially this one seems to me wonderful.
My present medical one has said to me
after reading to him all previously written which it would have to write more
about events of my daily life, less abstract things. To me this seems very
difficult to me, because I think that my life is very boring. For example today
I have risen with great laziness and sadness; even so something more animated
being Friday and not to have classes in the evening. I have gone to the faculty
with my brother and my father (they take to me in car). In the way we listened
to the news of the war in Iraq. When arriving at the faculty I have entered
class and I have seated in my habitual seat without hardly speaking with anybody,
not to have companions to whom I am related normally, but because my mood
prevents to find placentera me a conversation of this type.
The first class has been the one of
electromagnetism. She is the one that less bores since profit to understand
something to me of which it is explained. It does not happen the same with the
other two classes that I have had, during which is difficult to maintain the
eyes to me open. I dedicate myself to think about music to spend the time.
In the recreation I have left single and
I have been going to buy a pie to me. Soon I have met with the three better
friends than I have done in the faculty. We spoke almost always of soccer. I
suspect that one of them is homosexual since much approaches me (physically
speaking). It has fiancèe and not that to think. It makes me feel incomodo very.
It could follow, but already I have gotten tired of this day.
I like the sunny afternoons in which I
wait for seated in a bank from the campus the door of my faculty that she
begins my classes of German. Desire that by chance finds the girl me of my life,
for example to a wonderful girl that I knew while we made selectivity. I know
that it studies Psychology. I found me two years later and I do not know because
I did not request the telephone to him. The case is that nor I cross myself to
me the mind...
The other day I left with friends of the
club. Already time did that one of them return proposed me to go to give, but to
me not much pleases me what they do, which is to drink basically in the street,
and in addition had few desire to leave.
I was most of the time speaking with one
of them, whom also a slight mental upheaval has according to account, and were
very interesting some of the things that said to me. It says that aid to imagine
a circle to him divided in four regions: Relations, Balance, Occupation and
Work. In addition, each portion could one divide it in others. He would be
advisable to have full all the parts of the circle. Also it told me that he is
to him very rewarding to do every day, or those that can, something new,
something different and impulsive to feel better with same himself. Finally it
said to me that he is advisable to improve the self-esteem to draw a tree in a
paper with his fruits and their roots. In the fruits they are had to write the
objectives or profits that one is able to reach. In the roots the qualities that
have allowed us to reach those goals.
I said to him to this friend who seemed
to me a very wise person and whom he would include to him in these writings.
From now on I am going to indicate the
date in that I write.
My brother has commented me who when she
was adolescent and the girls harassed to him, he did not take advantage of it
because still he was immature (he did not have hairs in the armpit until the
sixteen years). I think that to me he has been able to me to happen the same.
I have many desire of which my brother
has fiancèe. I have advised to think less to him about sex. He says me that sex
is very important and I respond to him that to the women they do not like the
men who think thus. As for me, for a long time not me masturbo. I want to clean
my mind of obscene thoughts to see if therefore it is to me easier to relate to
me to the girls. In addition, after masturbar itself it invades a feeling to me
of very disagreeable fault and solitude. I try to look for a girl with whom to
maintain a friendship relation. My brother says that I am becoming "curilla".
In Easter my brother, my twin sister and
I went to the beach. We passed it well, we ed ***reflx mng ourselves much. I got
upset sometimes with them because it seems to me that they spent too much money.
In that I look myself like my mother. My father, however is gastoso. This and
other things have taken to me to invent a hypothesis that seems to me
interesting: that the children of parents with faced personalities tend by some
reason related to this confrontation to be more ready to suffer mental diseases.
My uncle has had another son with whom
second woman will be his. It seems to be that he wants that I am the padrino.
This fills to me of pride. My mother and my grandmother say that I am the son
who my uncle always wanted to have. They tell me that I look much like him when
was young in my form to act. This pleases me because I always have admired my
The Dr Guerrero has changed the
medication to me. I have a little fear to that it does not feel to me well. But
I trust that the fear goes to me. The Dr Guerrero is a distant person. He uses
just a short time in listening the patient and acts with a superiority air.
Nonencounter the moment for speaking with him of my preoccupations. It can that
is not that what I need.
The summer approaches. I believe that
there am lost something of weight. At least I have been long time without
getting fat. This animates to me. I hope to be animated and with desire to study
for the course that comes. I must let worry to me not to be able to come to help
to my brother in the consultation. I want to go to class in the morning and to
study and to swim in the afternoons. I want to return to enjoy studying and
being in class. To take impeccable notes. For it I must be concentrated and not
to lose the thread. It can that within a year, two or more returns to fall. But
this does not have to worry to me now.
I am in the consultation with my brother.
I am something depressive. Long ago heat. I return to be scared not to be able
to study the course that comes. I see my companions in class and some that you
have not been as shining as I in both first courses they find out the
explanations. But it is, according to tell to them, enough more difficult east
course of third. I am going to have to make an effort to me much if I want to
approve. This then worries to me I do not know if I will be able to support the
mental fatigue that the studies can create to me.
These last days of course I go the two
first hours to classes and later I am going to swim. Me the volume with
tranquillity. I feel bad because with the age that I have (twenty-three years)
still I have not worked, excepting when I am in the consultation.
I believe that it has few qualities to
like the girls. I am timid and I flee to make friends. In addition I am egoistic.
I do not like that they help me. I am a solitaire that does not know to conquer
the girls and who can that has the very high strip. I believe that I am very
attractive. I think that him taste to the girls, but when a girl I like me
enters fear to me and not why. I ask myself if I will be able to take a relation
with a girl. I do not see myself remembering all the anniversaries and other
days to make gifts. I do not have desire to change my way to be. I hope that it
finds some girl to whom they do not concern my defects to him and that I like.
Whenever I have tried to bind I have been
something or very raised. Not if this is a serious problem. Would like to be a
little raised I permanently.
In the class of German there is a girl
whom I like much. I think enough about her and I believe that I am falling in
love although not yet we have spoken. I know how it is called and that it
studies Philosophy. It has a small defect, I have seen it smoke. The classes
finish and I am afraid that I am not going to have a good opportunity to speak
with her considering my timidity. In addition I think that it is probable that
it has fiancè. In any case I am contented to thus feel something after almost a
Some nights of summer I dedicate myself
to observe a girl who remains single in her house and she is dedicated to dance.
I calculate that it will be about sixteen years old. I believe that it knows
that I watch it. I do it from my room.
I feel that I want to be different from
the rest of people. I am not satisfied to being one more of the pile. It is
clear that all we are different, but what I want it is to emphasize. Perhaps
this is related to my difficulty to have friends, my deliriums of greatness.
Other times I am "modest more" and I am satisfied to having a work that I like
and making much money.
I am again in the consultation with my
brother. The classes already have finished and it waits for a summer to me in
which I will dedicate myself to swim, to make gymnastics and to come to the
consultation. Sometimes I consider the possibility of putting cartelitos
announcing me to give particular classes. But the truth is that I do not have
desire. I am scared to work. This is the sad truth.
This disease allows darte you tells that
the happiness is lost with much facility. The happiness is ephemeral. Mainly if
it bases in the studies or the work, if you do not take a life affectively heals;
that is to say, if you do not have friends who support to you at the difficult
moments. I wonder myself if my personal relations enter within which it is
possible to be considered normal. The case is that it worries to me and it makes
me now undergo thinking that I do not have friends, that would need to me.
I feel a knot in the throat, an
oppression in the chest. A pain, desperation feeling. I feel hope later, because
also there are things that make me enjoy and because other times I have left the
depression. Next I feel fear of which this disease makes me suffer periodically.
Perhaps yes that he has friends and
someday know to enjoy them. Friends do not have porqué to be only those that you
see frequently, those with which march salts at night. Memory the friends of the
district, the school and the institute. Long ago that I do not see most of them.
I am worried because I believe that my
mother treats to me and my brother to us as if we were young. When I am euphoric
I reveal against this maternal protectionism.
Desire enter to me to go to me of house.
I ask myself if he is not legitimate to wish that. I wonder myself if someday I
will be able to go to me of house and to live my life without he is crazy. I
wonder myself if I will discover someday how I want and I can be without doing
damage to me to same me and to the others. I want to feel frees, as I feel when
I am euphoric, but do not want to be ill.
When I put myself euphoric I put to speak
without stopping. Now I realize of which I get to be annoying for the others. I
put my relatives nervous. I cannot be shut up. I believe that I must detect that
I am animated before the nerves seize of me. The other times, when I left the
depression and I began to feel animated I did not communicate my doctor. It is
an error that there am to correct.
In the morning, while it ordered the
notes that I have taken east year and that they have not served for almost
anything, I felt yesterday that the course that comes I am going to be able to
study with taste and to approve. They are moments of optimism that I have once
in a while and I believe that they are a good symptom. I have thought about
removing from the library some book of Quantum Physics to stare at it what it
desires east summer to me, without no oppression nor obligation to understand
When he was small, in prestudent it did
not play with the rest of the children the war, but that played with my twin
sister and her friends to make palmitas. Later when he left with my friends with
twelve or thirteen years to go to the cinema or to play the park memory that
when they began to crack jokes or to play to send to us naranjitas, I fitted bad
these jokes and games. He even ended up crying. He will have influenced this in
my difficulty to relate to me.
I incessantly look for the origin of my
disease, my few relations (mainly with girls). Perhaps but it does not have
sense to look for them. I feel that I do not obtain aid of anybody. The doctor
of the Unit by day as soon as he dedicates to ten or fifteen minutes every six
months to me and does not remember much the previous sessions.
In the swimming pool to that I go there
is a small friend of the family. He is something wild and ingenuous sometimes.
Recently he cut with the fiancè. He has asked to me if I want to go to me with
her of trip. He went in serious. It is not a paranoia mine. I have said to him
that yes playfully. I see difficult that I end up accepting. The truth is that
he is something that has animated to me. Ever since I knew it I have had the
sensation of which it had a special esteem to me.
The group of friends of the faculty with
whom I go once in a while to the cinema and I have things in common. These are
the lack of security and the timidity with the girls. In the school it happened
to me the same with the friends whom it had. I believe that I end up thus
relating to me to people indeed because they have those characteristics. With
them I feel safe. At the same time there is in me a repressed desire to relate
to me to safe people of itself. But it would not feel to me safe with them. The
result is that I am not satisfied absolutely with me, with my friends nor with
which we do.
I return to be very worried about the
course that comes. I am distressing sleepy on the matter. I have removed the
book from Quantum Physics of the library. I understand some things, but I must
dedicate long time to them.
In an occasion, a psychologist of the
Unit by day said to me that when returned to me to put euphoric, this one
euphoria could be canalized by day with the help of the Unit. This gave hopes
me. I feel that when I am euphoric my mind works much more fast of the normal
thing. Perhaps, if this activity could be canalized, if benefit could be removed
from her, my mind would not have porqué to create false and delirious ideas. But
when ill I am myself forced by my family to repress much of which I want to say
or to do. They do not accept that I can be different from as I am normally. I
recognize that it is difficult for them when I behave of unusual form. What I
can do. Desire enter to me to make sport, to write, to read, to know people, to
enjoy the life.
I have the sensation sometimes to hate my
older brother. It always has been a referring one for me. But much has defrauded
me the things that have done badly throughout their life. I do not know if this
has marked to me significantly. If this outside thus, would have to surpass it.
I am going to write the things that
irritate to me or shame of my brother:
It smokes much (almost two daily packages);
he is an immature one in many aspects, it is obsessed with its image (it is 32
years old) and does not have friends hardly because he is distrustful one; he is
a cynical one, it does not accept the critics that we do its relatives to him
and its Maxima is that it is not the guilty of being how is and it cannot make
nothing to improve; it only binds with old and/or ugly women because I suppose
that it does not trust he himself; it does not believe in the love, for him what
it impels to him to be with a woman is only sex.
On the other hand I feel that it has
jealousy of me because I am nine years younger and am studying what I like (something
that he has not done). She is one envies healthy, I know that one is glad for
me. But sometimes that envies can be materialized in certain aggressiveness.
My low self-esteem takes to me to think
that I do not deserve myself to have intimate fiancèe or friends. I do not see
myself the height that I believe that it deserves to correspond to a good
friendship. Of course this is become serious when I am gotten depressed. When I
am not it and mainly when I am euphoric my perception changes and I value more.
My problem is that I value myself
positively when the studies go to me well. Nonencounter other reasons in my life
that make increase my self-esteem me. He can that to have a good state of form
(a good physicist).
The doctors say to me that I must be
related and value my friendships more. This is easy to say. The reality
whereupon I am is difficult because I do not like the friends who I have. Last
Saturday I rejected to go to the cinema with a companion of the faculty. It
would not be easier to value my way to be, or it is that it is not possible to
be as I am. In truth I believe that me it would make happier have a faithful
fiancèe that a group of friends.
I am going to describe my situation thus:
I am timid, uncertain, with lack of
confidence in same me, dissuaded, have a disease... The causes that have taken
to me to be thus try to find them but I need aid for it and I doubt if doctor
Guerrero is arranged to it with a minimum of interest. The case is that I feel
single and boring, with affective deficiencies. In order to defend me I imagine
that it will arrive someday in which the things change and has an amused life,
that is successful when relating to me to the others, to even be professional
soccer player. When the things go to me well in the studies I feel that that
dreamed moment has arrived and lose the timidity, me desboco. Soon I realize
which I do a little the ridiculous situation, I depress myself and I am a year
without being able to study.
The next time that sees doctor Guerrero I
am going to speak to him of this restlessness that I have. I want to know if it
serves as something to speak with him of which they are the possible causes of
my disease. Also I want to know which is my present situation, which is my
disease, if he is curable or no.
When I hear that such-and-such sportsman
or artist has gotten to prevail to an age smaller than mine I feel a little sad
because I think that I could have obtained some similar feat if she had
dedicated to me to something with interest from small. I cannot avoid to blame
my parents by not to have worried about this. Not only in me, but in none of my
brothers. But soon I reflect and I realize of which he is not right to blame to
them. In addition, no longer it serves as anything. The truth is that I never
put much interest in no extralectiva activity. My parents did not want to force
nothing to us. If I am father someday, would like to dedicate time to discover I
what they like my children and to help them to do what they want. Moan that my
father never dedicated time to us to be almost always working. Moan that it did
not have a father who taught to him how to be father.
My life is singsong, for that reason I
speak little of the things that happen to me; because hardly if it passes
nothing to me. The classes finished and as work nor study step the mornings in
the sofa not seeing tele. In the afternoons the thing improves; now I like to
come to the consultation after going to swim.
But I have decided that tomorrow, when is
going to buy merienda, that my brother and I enjoyed all the afternoons, I am
going to say something to him to a teller of the supermarket that I like. I mean
to him: "Vanesa, I like". I am not going to him to lie (something that I detest).
I think that it is good for me. It does not concern too much to me that it
rejects to me (he is safest). That girl I like and I am going to act of the form
who I know and who make me feel more comfortable. In addition, I will learn of
the experience. I do not have anything to lose. It would be the first time that
attempt to bind without being euphoric.
I did it. I said to him to the teller
whom I like. It was more difficult of which it hoped. I put myself quite nervous.
When it was receiving to me, I said to him with trembly voice:
Hears... Vanesa, no? - then it, with the opened
mouth, yawed her left eye. I believe that it was a sample of surprise and
distrust -. I want that you know... that I like.
Ah, very well! - she answered smiling with
naturalness, as if that said it every day.
She does not matter to you, no?
what is going to me to matter?
Good, good bye - I with an average smile
responded, something calmer.
I believe that it has taken it with
professionalism. It is working and it did not want problems of any type. In
addition she will be customary to all type of piropos and hints on the part of
the clients. Also it can be that it even has fiancè or that is married.
It will think that I am ingenuous or
leaving and can that is right.
Perhaps, if its answer had not put me so
nervous (something that she perceived without a doubt) would have been different.
The important thing is that I have
acquired one more a experience. In addition, if someday I see it in other
circumstances, I will already have a taken step.
I am contented of to it to have said it.
In ahead I will continue buying there, but I will not do any other hint to him.
I do not believe that to her it does much grace to him. But I do not think to be
shamed. I have not committed any crime nor I have made nothing bad.
This day can have supposed a point of
flexion in my way to relate to me to the girls.
I believe that these memories have helped
me to declare to me before that girl. To write my experiences of the past and
the present constitutes an important one escape route. It is as if when writing
it felt to me listened by somebody comprehensive one. For example, I am not
going to say nothing to him of this to my brother; I like their advice neither
their way to help me, and the less still the jokes that would do on the matter.
Already for some weeks I have been
returning to masturbar to me with assiduity. It does not invade any feeling of
fault nor solitude to me after doing it. I believe that these are symptoms which
I am leaving the depression.
Today I have returned to buy in the
supermarket. When paying, the teller me has thrown a long glance, like examinee
to me. I do not know if it likes I or no. What I know is that it would not have
watched to me thus if I were not bold the other day to say to him that I like. I
have liked his way to watch to me.
I am lately meditating much to discover
why I have put the strip with the women so high. The first reason is that they
always said to me of small that I was very handsome. But it can have others.
When it was five years old, in parvulito I liked very many a companion who was
the best friend of my twin sister. I would say that I felt towards her love,
that was enamored with her. But I did not say it. I only had a insinuante
gesture. It is that we played much the rabbit of the luck she, my sister and I.
She and I always kissed my sister, but a day I to her dared to kiss it.
When this girl grew, in the last E.G.B.
courses, were very handsome of body and of face and all the children we were in
favor crazy of her. I let speak with her (my sister also, because she changed of
school) and I did not like any other girl of the school, that on the other hand
was very small. My conclusion is that it compared to the others with her, with
my secret love. They did not lack the girls who threw the disks, but I stayed
faithful to a love that already considered unattainable. But the main reason by
that I believe that it rejected them is that they were not nor half of handsome
that loved my. Now that girl is married.
At night I yesterday became to feel
gotten depressed. My life is very boring, I have very little diversion, as soon
as if I have friends and those who I have are as much or more boring than I. I
am twenty-three years old and not yet I have kissed to a girl on the mouth. I am
It seems that in this state it cannot
like no girl who is worth the trouble. To whom it can like somebody as boring as
I? It can which physically it likes the girls, but I do not know how to conquer
them. It has already passed the age of the tonteo, the adolescence, and I as
soon as I have enjoyed it. Now, in my youth I return to feel that I am letting
pass the best years without enjoying them. I do not have money, I do not have
car, I do not have good friends, I am not related to girls, I am uncertain, I do
not have will force to follow the advice of the doctors who animate to me to
leave. But I do not have desire. To make matters worse I have been three years
of delay in my studies due to the now alive disease and with the restlessness of
not knowing if the next course I will be able to be concentrated.
I have the hope of which some girl takes
the first step and she approaches me and that I like. But I think that this has
not happened in many years and will be that it is very difficult that it happens.
My other hope is to leave from the
depression, thanks to the studies like the others twice, and to stabilize to me
in a new state of emotional balance.
Today my cousin baptizes itself and I
will be the padrino. It is the first baptism to that I go (to part of mine) and
I am a little nervous.
My uncle does not want that I pay convite
because she says that she would seat to him bad that a student like I, who do
not work, must spend the money. I say to him that I want to pay but the truth is
that two candles would have left me. I do not know in what it will be left the
(In the end my uncle paid and I did to my
godson a gift to him).
In August I have been in Chipiona and
things have passed me interesting.
I left a pair times with a friend of the
chess. He had 19 years (four less than I) and some of his many friends were very
small and I did not feel comfortable among them. Other yes they were of my age.
In any case I passed it well and I absolutely do not regret to have left with
them. The one was always my friend that it looked for to me in the beach or it
called to me to propose to me to do something. I never looked for it. He did not
have anything to propose.
Every day in the beach he dedicated to me
to watch at the girls or women. He looked for those that gave back the glance to
me. It is a form to try to bind that he excites to me. Day 30 I remained
watching a woman of about 40 years conserved rather well. It already had been
several days watching it. The one that seemed to be its husband, that it was
quite greater than it seated distant and slept under the parasol while it took
the sun on a towel. It gave back the glances to me and one of the times we
remained watching us to the eyes during a long short while. She, who was
bocabajo and with the undone sujetador I raise the trunk leaving to see him the
chest me. Later the head bent and it remained watching to me so that only I
could see the only eye him that could be seen him. Then I from top to bottom
watched it during long time and she watched to me equal. He was very exciting.
That same day I approached a quite
handsome girl who pretended 27 but that she had 30. It had the brown hair but it
turned out to be German, of Turkish origin. We spoke in English and a little in
German, language who I have studied east year. We spoke a good short while, was
very likeable. Before we had watched ourselves fixedly. It said to me that I
pretended 25 because he was very mature. I tried to be with her for that night
but it said to me that it had plans with its fiancè. We took leave and I did not
return to see it on the following day. This was the only occasion in which I
tried to bind in east Chipiona year.
These experiences have animated to me. In
the middle of month a day only with my aunt was had left nun and my grandmother
and I depressed myself enough. But now more I am animated.
I played the Open de Chipiona of chess
and me I did not pass it as well as the last year.
I have discovered the wonderful thing
that it is to remain watching at a woman the eyes and that this one gives back
the glance to you. During seconds it seems that both we comprised of a different
I have already requested appointment for
the doctor. It will be Monday that comes. I have thought about speaking with him
of which they can be the causes of my disease and if that can help to cure to
In October I begin the classes. It would
wish not to know anybody the faculty. It even cheers to think this to me. I
would like not to have to stop to me to greet no companion. To enjoy for me and
my studies all along.
My little experience with the women has
made me reach the conclusion that taking an affective and sexually healthy life
it is precise to try to bind very frequently. In addition it is precise to be a
little mentiroso. It is necessary to put in the paper and to make believe that
woman who is the woman of your life. He is even advisable to be deceived one
same one in that sense.
I yesterday told to my brother my
experience him with the woman of the towel. It has said to me that I am just as
he to wish mature women. This has worried to me because I do not want to seem me
to him. I see that it has many defects and very laborious a loving life. He
himself considers a vicious person and cynically he says to me that I do not
understand it because I am not it. At least, to hear this I liked.
Today I have been going to renew the
identity membership card and in the long delay I have seen a girl whom I have
liked. Mine seated alongside, in the only site that was frees, and it asked me
that which number was taking care of. I responded to him nervous and the short
while I asked to him if it wanted to take something with me. It said to me that
no, that it had already had breakfast. Its answer was so sharp that I dared to
insist neither to speak with her the more.
I am losing the paralyzing fear to try to
bind when I am not euphoric. It can be this something positive as long as it
does not lose the control. I fear that of as much trying it, without success, it
sadly makes me famous by my direct form bind. But luckyly the city is the
sufficiently great thing like so that this it happens.
The day which I tried to bind in the
beach I felt ashamed when I arrived at house and all my family asked to me on my
attempt to bind. I got upset with them. Specially I got upset with my father. I
had the sensation of which one was making fun of of me. Good, rather I felt that
it wanted that habásemos of the subject as if we had always had confidence when
speaking of girls.
My form to try to bind is too direct. I
do not know if it would have to change, to plan strategies. I do not like this
last one. I am too sincere. In this I look myself like my brother. I would like
to have somebody advised to me. My brother and my father are not to me useful.
First it is as much or more lost than I and the second it has never helped me
and I am afraid that already it is too much late.
I spoke yesterday with my psychiatrist.
It animated me when saying me that the fact of not taking the initiative in my
relations with my friends (not to be I who I call them to propose to them to do
something) happens to him to the intelligent people. Also it animated to me that
it assured to me that would not have problems in approving the course. On the
other hand I said to the one of my childhood and the possibilities to him that
knowing something of her or my adolescence it would have to develop my
personality. It said me that in a next future she could be useful to see to me a
psychologist. This also I also animate myself, not only because the
psychologists usually are very handsome, but because I feel that I have much to
tell and that I need aid to put the things in order, to know what things of
which I think are important or in which I am mistaken.
Last night I thought about what would
tell the psychologist. It would tell him that I do not feel comfortable in some
occasions, when I am being related. That I fear that the others perceive that I
am different, that they perceive my insecurity. That they reject to me, mainly
the girls. That she worries me to a girl never to have kissed. That this it is
the most evident symptom of than I am not absolutely normal or that she makes
me feel to me uncertain.
The beginning of the classes approaches.
I am distressing sleepy in which I am in class and I do not concentrate myself.
I have bought the notebooks and already I have filled to the papers of the
matriculation and the scholarship. It is very possible that this year me they do
not grant it.
They are going to give the prize to me to
the best sportsman of the section of chess of the club. This has cheered to me
enough. The chess delegate said to me that he had been voted, but already
received the prize three years ago reason why second more voted (I) he will
receive east year. My family will be there.
I continue seeing the teller of the
supermarket that I like. I have the impression that it watches to me with
distrust, but confess that I maintain the hope that someday it says something to
me. I know that it is very difficult but on illusion it is lived.
Also I continue observing from the window
from my room the girl who danced. No longer it dances much but I see it putting
and clearing the table many nights. Sometimes it seems to me that it sees me and
fantaseo with the possibility of seeing it someday in the street and of
presenting/displaying to me.
Today my brother has left only with the
car and has returned to the ten minutes. My parents were not in house, only my
twin sister and of I. We have asked to him where he has gone and he said that to
give a return. I think that she has been going to buy marijuana. In addition I
think that my sister him aid to do it without raising suspicions.
I have already begun the classes. It
seems that I find out me the explanations and that I concentrate myself when
studying, but still I have something of fear to the examinations and the subjet
of Optics. Before each class also I have a little fear not to find out to me
well the things.
My two better friends of the faculty have
left to the race (one insurance and the other does not signal life) reason why I
am something single in the recreations. I am not comfortable with the people
whom there is. When I bring closer a group with whose components I have
something of confidence, I do not do it with much security and I physically
remain without bringing closer itself absolutely to them. It costs to me to put
to me among them and to follow its conversations. But this worries to me very
little in comparison with the studies.
Today me companion has said that is going
to have supper with him and other companions and companions (with whom already I
have left other times), but is Thursday and it does not desire to me to have to
gather to me late. For that reason I have said to him that no.
These four first days of class like most
of days of other courses I have left to the recreation without waiting for
nobody. I go to mine. I fear that this is not healthy for me. I fear that this
one is a indicative of which I am an egoistic person. But the certain thing am
that therefore I feel comfortable, I do not like the trivial conversations and I
prefer to be next to a person who values silence. But other times, when I am a
little euphoric, unemployment not to try to make laugh to which it is to my side.
I believe that I have this double personality. The intermediate state costs to
me or not with himself.
I have been two weeks of class and I
begin to be optimistic. I am not studying much, one hour daily at the most. When
it begins to solve problems I will have to dedicate more time to him. Still I
have some doubts with the subjet of Optics and the practices. The professor of
Optics is not good, but treatment to see the subjet and its explanations like
No longer I see the teller whom I like in
the supermarket. I believe that it has let work or that it is of vacations. I
ask myself that it will think of me; I ask myself that the women will think of
me. My deliriums of greatness times and my low self-esteem other make believe me
to me different from most of the men. This takes to me to think that it will be
difficult to find fiancèe me. The truth is that I have desire to find the love.
It gives me envies heals it that they are
the relations of some of my companions of faculty. I am not so expressive or
extroverted as they. When I am euphoric I happen to me of extrovert, so that I
have serious problems to be related as much as at heart desire.
There is a pair of companions who are
still more introverts who I. I like to speak mainly with them and that they
speak with me. In class usually they seat to my side, but in the recreation I go
away with other companions and they come not very often with us. To me he passes
something similar to another level. To times I think that he would have to
animate to them more explicitly to come with us, but in reality he does not
desire to me, would prefer that they had the initiative necessary to come with
I believe that the companions to whom
step the recreation also costs to them to be related to girls. Ever since he was
in the school I have preferred to relate to me thus to people. Malpensado would
think that we are a plain between two mountains of gays.
I begin to have serious doubts about if I
am able to approve the course. There is a subjet that is very difficult. I
prefer not to say to him to people that I have this preoccupation because it
would be to repeat what spent the year spent, to create preoccupation
surroundings. I cannot avoid to attribute this lack of concentration to the
medication; to haloperidol. I do not concentrate myself because I am worried,
I am something more optimist now. I have
put myself to study optics and other subjets and it seems to me that I can be
It would change my dream of being a
celebrity in sciences to find a woman of whom to enamor to me and to have a
family with her. It can that the dreams become reality, but most of the times we
must resign to many of them and try to make reality other dreams.
I have east newspaper a little left then
most of the time I am searching, looking for a girl of whom to enamor to me.
Soon they are the examinations and I feel
Two months ago I broke an arm playing the
futbito (following the advice of the Dr Guerrero). Almost I am already cured.
Single I need to be able to rotate the forearm.
I have not returned to have no pseudo
relation with any girl. Good, almost none. I am scared to have it before the
I know many girls by Internet and to all
them encounter some defect. A month ago I was with one but me it left planted.
I have already begun the examinations and
they do not go bad. I have doubts with one but if I suspend I have still another
opportunity before September.
I have known a girl by very likeable and
handsome Internet that I believe that it would make good pair with me. I have
good sensations but I do not want to be touched too much. It is an enchantment.
On the other hand I have developed a new
theory on the leading one of my disease. When it was in the school and it felt
to me but ready of the class it thought that they were compensated to me for
that reason neither in the school nor in the family. For that reason it imagined
to me that it was part of an experiment. I have had greatness deliriums from