Ryan's Story

EMAIL Ryan HERE
 

Six years ago, I had everything I could ever want—a happy marriage, a good job and we had just purchased our first home.  Amazingly and unfortunately, in less than a year that drastically changed.
 
I was a military public affairs officer in Texas.  My job required long hours and frequent, long trips away from home.  My first Southwest Asia deployment came on the heals of a four-month training stint on the East Coast.  That marked eight months of our second year of marriage spent apart. 


My wife had a very difficult time handling the time  apart.  She was often inconsolable.  Between work and trying to comfort her, I was under a lot of stress. At some point I became depressed.
 

Then while serving in the Saudi Arabia, I began to feel strange.  Everything difficult became easy.  A multitude of sounds, like the wind, fell into a rhythmic pattern.  Colors, light, numbers and language formed exhilaratingly intricate patterns intertwined by connections, or a common thread of meaning.  I was manic for the first time.
 
Despite embarrassing myself with overzealous, rambling emails, my illness managed to go unnoticed until I arrived home in Texas.  My wife noticed the change in me immediately and had me take a self-test for bipolar disorder.  I answered “yes” to almost every question, but yet I denied that there was anything wrong.  Still, I appeased her by going to the doctor.
 
There wasn’t a psychiatrist on the base, so I went to see a general practice physician. This was the worst mistake I made.  He could tell that I had been under a lot of stress and had been down, so he prescribed me Zoloft. The antidepressant sent my mania through the roof.  A couple of days later, at my protestation, I was hospitalized.
 
My first experience in a military hospital was a memorable one.  I was so paranoid that I thought I was part of a military experiment designed to test my loyalty and/or prepare me for advancement.  I thought doctors and the other patients were actors paid to represent abstract inner feelings of mine.
 

I was in psychosis.
 
I was treated with Ativan originally to calm me down, then Zyprexa or Olanzipine was added and Ativan was dropped.  It’s funny to me, I recall  writing a song praising Zyprexa while I was there.  Little did I know what problems it would cause for me.
 
I entered the hospital at 200 pounds.  Six weeks later I was 240.  Depakote was added to the Zyprexa shortly after leaving the hospital.  With the two weight-gaining drugs tag teaming me, I was nearly  300 pounds before the year was over.
 
 Worst of all, during my time in the hospital I was terrible to my wife. Psychosis caused me to believe that my wife and I were not meant to be together. The reality behind that was, I was bitter at her for sending me to the hospital when I had been so supportive of her.  She told me she would stand behind me no matter what.  I told her I wanted a divorce.   We separated.
 

In the months that followed discharge from the military, my thinking cleared enough that I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I could not convince her that the manic Ryan did not represent  my true feelings. We divorced in late 2000.
 
I went into a deep depression.  I returned home to the Midwest and immediately went back to work, but the depression and combination of Olanzipine  and Depakote dulled my mind and ruined my concentration.  I slept as much as 16 hours a day during that period, often not bothering to shower or shave before going to work.  For hours I would stare at my computer screen and accomplish nothing.
 
A new doctor led me to Lithium for the first time.  He slowly tapered me off both Olanzipine and Depakote, and in a short time I felt like a new man. I lost 80 pounds to begin approaching my old weight and I felt new energy and drive at the office.  Unfortunately, that proved too good to be  true.
 
By December of 2001, I was experiencing full-blown mania again.  The lithium had not been enough to cap my high moods and they bubbled over.  I was hospitalized for a third time.  Risperidone was added to my med regimen.
 
Over the next three years, we tried Quetiapine (Seroquel), Olanzipine again, Depakote again and Buspirone without success.  I continued to experience frequent manias with intermittent depression.  All told, I went through fourjobs in four different states in just a few years.  Finally, I moved home with my mother, and started going to the local VA hospital for treatment.
 
During that time, we have tried Ziprasidone (Geodon) and Topamax, both without success.  Only in the last few months have my moods stabilized for the first time on a combination of Lithium, Aripiprazole and Lamotrigine.
 
It’s been a long hard road.  After six hospitalizations, lost jobs and damaged relationships, it can take quite a toll on a person.  But I’m on a military pension now, and I have the opportunity and time to find something I want to do.  It’s an opportunity to find real meaning again.  I hope to resume my  career writing and  editing.

 

 

Death of a Career
by Wedgebuck

     The meeting was scheduled in the school auditorium, an isolated building, surrounded by trees, which poked their heads out of square cement prisons. It was due to start at eight o’clock, but at the appointed time, only half the teachers were seated. Some socialized in the back of the auditorium, where coffee was available, while others reluctantly strolled in from the opened double doors. Some of the staff was happy, and chattered about their students. They were not eager to face their classes, and considered it a vacation day free of stress and responsibilities. The smell of burnt coffee permeated the room, as someone had forgotten to unplug the empty dispenser. Light filtered in through one of the permanently shut widows and elucidated years of dust.
.       The principal, dressed in a cheap suit, with flakes of dandruff on his lapel, began by reviewing the procedures for the opening of the spring semester. The Science teacher, sitting alone, nervously tapped his foot against the front chair. He hadn’t slept well for days and had begun the morning highly agitated. He looked at the other teachers and saw few listening. The majority worked on their roll books, reviewed their new student rosters, talked quietly, sometimes suppressing a chuckle, or stared off in space. The younger teachers were pretending to pay attention. They hadn’t learned, he thought bitterly. 
     He had taught thirty-five years, and was sick of everything. His students had grown apathetic, arrogant, hostile, and compassionless. His class size had gone up, he often mused, with the salaries of the worthless downtown administrators. He wished, with hostility, that he had trained for another occupation. If only he had known the depths to which the profession would fall. He thought that there was no difference between what he did and handling raw sewage, except the sanitation workers never took their work home.
      The last semester had been a nightmare. He had averaged forty students in every class, with one having forty-three. That was his first class, when students banged on the door, and wandered in all period because of the late buses. There were constant distractions from P.A. announcements, students being summoned to their counselor, or because they were in trouble. He hadn’t taken attendance for years. It was too stressful. He knew the students would not read the chapter, and were incapable of listening, so he never lectured. Some slept all period. Anything intellectual was always boring. Most of his time was spent trying to control their prater about sex and drugs. He despised them for their youth. He thought about how he had come to the school late last night, and had taken chairs from the other classrooms, so his students would not have to sit on the floor. And people called this a profession.
      A year ago, he had called the fire department, because he feared for the safety of his students in an emergency. Inspectors had come out, but had decided his classrooms were not overcrowded. They forced seven other teachers to change locations. The teachers had become angry with him, and had spewed hurting, berating words, the day after their move. Even now, they had refused to speak to him, and looked away, when he passed, with pursed lips and puffy cheeks. 
     Recently he had to beg the parent association, to buy enough books, so he could teach the class. The previous texts had been twenty years old, and he did not have enough for half of his students. It was a humiliating experience.
      His blood pressure began to go up, and he began to breath deeply. He found his pulse, and knew his heart was racing His skin felt clammy. .He lost track of time.
      A guest speaker from downtown had been introduced to the faculty, and had begun to speak.  He hated the school bureaucracy. The top-heavy school administration, mismanagement, and fraud were cheating the public, and subsequently denying thousands of students a good education. He got dizzy, closed his eyes, and began to smell his room. Nameless, faceless, sweating teenage bodies.
    . The administrator droned on, with no inflection in her voice .He looked down at his rosters of students. He was shocked. Not only was he still averaging forty, but the students that had failed the fall semester had been programmed into the spring semester. A wave of nausea hit him like a tsunami, and he began to tremble with contempt, and rage. He looked around at the other teachers, but saw nothing but complacency. The speaker began to discuss reform, and how to meet the needs of all the students, including the gifted, and slow learners. “You need to make out at least three different lesson plans for each period”, she pontificated. Uncontrollably the teacher raised his hand and stood up. The speaker ignored him, but he began to speak loudly, his rage-spilling out. “How do expect all this reform, with forty students in the room?. I can’t do labs, because I have all these students and only one sink. I, not the district, paid for all the audio-visual equipment. Even the books were paid for by the parents.” He hesitated and began to shout. “What is the administration doing with all the money”? His speech was slurred with anger.  The speaker nervously tugged at the top of her two-piece suit. Her mouth gaped and the muscles on one side of her face contracted, as if in spasm. Her eyes glared opaquely at the teacher. From the side of the room, some of the other teachers began to clap, but said nothing. The speaker went on, but now her words were tremulous. The teacher raised his hand again, stood and said, “Before I speak to my students, or give a lecture to an audience, I discuss my expertise on the subject, and give my credentials. What is yours? How long have you been out of the classroom, and do you think you could teach all these different lessons, the same period, to forty teenagers”? The speaker did not answer, but continued talking. She looked at the exit sign. The teacher got up and left the auditorium. He was ghostly pale. The principal followed with the nurse in tow.
     The teacher laid down on the blacktop outside the auditorium. “Please call the paramedics”, he quietly said to the nurse. He smiled on the way to the emergency room.
 

Thank you Wedgebuck!

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