began October 2nd 1969....from the time I was born my parents
always said I wasnít the same as my brothers and sisters. I didnít like
to be taken out of the house. I would scream and cry when they tried to
take me to church or just to the store. I wanted to stay in my little
Growing up I
was painfully shy and introverted. I spent most of my time in my own
little world. I always had a very creative side and spent hours drawing
and making up stories, and plays for my barbies to act out.
I was never a
very good student and had a very hard time concentrating in class. But,
all of my ďtroublesĒ always got pushed off to a rebellious streak or I
just wasnít really Ďtryingí. How could I explain to everyone that I could
hardly concentrate and my thoughts were racing all the time?
By the time I
hit my early teens my ďrebellionĒ was getting out of control. I didnít
care what I looked like anymore! I was skipping classes like crazy! I
went to the classes that I liked and I pulled Aís...but, I flunked
everything else. I was going out and drinking pretty much every weekend,
and then going to church on Sunday and pretending I was a good little
I got out of
Utah and away from my family when I turned 17 and was out of high school.
I went to Connecticut and worked as a live-in Nanny for a year. While
there I continued to pretend that everything was okay...but, still felt
out of control. Eventually, conflicts arose with the family and it was
time for me to leave.
I shipped out
to North Carolina to stay with my Oldest Sister for a little while. BIG
MISTAKE! She and I have NEVER gotten along well and this was NOT a good
time for me to try and live with her and her family! While there I hooked
up with an older man who would be the first guy I ever slept with. He
would also be the first guy to use me and ďthrowĒ me away. That was a
tough one! I was still young and impressionable and I thought I was in
Love. Silly ME!
Sister and I ended up at each others throats. Not completely HER fault!
I did my typical stupid stuff....I went out drinking...I bought a car thru
her husbands job and missed payments on it....I flaked on stuff I was
supposed to do. One day Mom and Dad came to visit and I asked them to
take me back home to Utah with them. They
I headed back home.
Back Home it
didnít get any better. I hooked back up with old friends and fell into
the same old habits...but worse. Now I was not only drinking but, I
started doing drugs too. It was the only time that I didnít feel so out
of control (at least in MY MIND I was in control).
One day I left
Mom and Dadís to go out with friends...and I didnít go back. Literally!
I just stayed gone! I stayed at my friends. For days....then
months.....and I didnít even think anything about it. I went by my Mom
and Dads house when they were gone for clothes and didnít say anything to
them....didnít call...nothing. Looking back now, I think....How horrible
it must have been for them...but, at the time....it just didnít matter!
All that mattered is what I wanted to do.
met a couple who managed a local club and started hanging out at their
house. I left my friends apt. and moved in with them and helped them
take care of their daughter when I wasnít working. We would go to the
club dance and hang out...then go back to the
apt...drink...smoke...party....I had sex with a few guys from high school
that wouldnít have given me the time of day before...but, where more then
willing now that I cared what I looked like....and I was thinfrom using
speed.....then I would get up and go to work. This was an everyday thing!
had a brother who was a Marine. They introduced me to him. I fell for
him right away! We hooked up right away and shortly after we met I got
pregnant. I eventually, left his brothers house and begged Mom and Dad to
take meback. Then had to eventually confess that I was pregnant. So,
Matt and I decided to get married. One of the many good things that came
from my pregnancy was that I immediately stopped drinking, smoking, and
doing drugs! Suddenly, there was someone more important then ME to worry
okay the first few months that Matt and I were married but,then he was
shipped off to the Philippines for what was supposed to be a 6 month
deployment. So, I was left alone in a new State (CALIFORNIA)....with a
brand new Baby Girl, no friends....and lots of credit cards! Well, you
can imagine what kind of trouble I got into!
deployment ended up being extended due to the Gulf War for and extra 5
months. We were living off very little and I was maxing out the credit
cards like crazy! By the time Matt got home I had been evicted from 2
apartments and was living in a not so great area, because it was the only
place I could find that would take us in.
understand what had happened...and I couldnít have explained it to him to
save my life. I didnít know why things were so out of control. He tried
really hard to be understanding and even took on some of the
responsibility himself. Of course, I knew I was the real cause...and my
mood swings were lasting longer and getting harder to ďcontrolĒ. I was
losing the ability to pretend I was normal.
So, we filed
bankruptcy shortly after he returned home. It was the only thing we could
do to save ourselves and our car. Eventually, we got approved for a home
on base and the stress of paying the rent every month was taken away. For
a while things seemed to settle down a little. I even went to work at the
neighborhood exchange for a while. I thought maybe, finally, life was
going to be okay. Then, all Hell broke loose!
I came home
from work one day with a horrible back ache. The next day I wasnít
feeling well, by that night I had a temp. of 104. I ended up in the
hospital for a few days with a severe UTI, Bladder and Kidney Infection.
Shortly after that, my oldest brother was killed in a motorcycle accident
and then my husband had to have surgery on his neck. Which subsequently,
got infected. And he was diagnosed with Asthma around this same time.
to say...the calm that I THOUGHT was finally coming to my life. Went out
the window in a big way! We moved to new housing on base and I found out
I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Things were very crazed at
our house during this time as my husband was being forced out of the
Marine Corps due to his medical problems and now we had the added stress
of having to figure out what we were going to do and where were going to
we had our beautiful baby boy...we got out of the Corps and we moved to
TEXAS. We struggled thru our first summer in TX living with my MIL
(yeah...tell me I donít deserve an award for not losing it!)
found a job and we got an apt. We got another car. The kids got settled
in...and all the stress and stuff finally stopped...and then I LOST IT!
It seemed like I was okay when everything was chaotic...but, when there
was nothing to worry about anymore...I was lost.
The same old
crap was happening again. Missed payments on things...buying stuff that
we didnít need...sleeping all day....blowing up at everyone at the drop of
the hat.....wanting sex everyday, all day...then....donít touch me for
weeks....just pure chaos in MY WORLD! I was making it that way and it
didnít need to be! Why was I doing this to myself?
A couple of
years of ups and downs passed and we decided we were ready to buy a
house. So, we found the home we wanted, got our loan...and moved in. I
was so excited and for a good year...the house was my project. I worked
on painting and decorating and making it everything that I wanted it to
be. Then it was done. And I guess I got lost again. I had nothing to
I Blew it big
time...more then once...I came SO CLOSE to causing us to lose our
home....to lose everything. My husband would ask me WHY I had or hadnít
done something...and I couldnít tell him the reason...and he just couldnít
understand...and the sad thing was either could I! I went to a DR. they
told me I was depressed. I went on Zoloft. And It made me WORSE. My
mood swings got even bigger and came more often. I was cycling like crazy
without knowing it.
couldnít stand it anymore! I had to do something. I knew I was out of
control. I was on the verge of ruining things for my family and I
couldnít let that happen anymore!
So, I finally
went to see a Therapist who diagnosed me as BiPolar 2 andshe sent me to
my Psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis and started me on a treatment
Now, after a
few years.....some med changes and a lot of work. I AM getting better! I
can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I know that I have to work
everyday to deal with my illness and I will always have to be diligent
with my meds. But, I also know that I can feel better...My Family can be
happier and enjoy being around me. I can enjoy being part of the world.
I am not
through all the obstacles yet...I am still a Work In Progress...But, I am
Each day that
I get up is Challenge and each day I lay my head on my pillow is a
Triumph! And I look forward to them all!
~ Wendi ~