Ryan's Story

EMAIL Ryan HERE
 

Six years ago, I had everything I could ever want—a happy marriage, a good job and we had just purchased our first home.  Amazingly and unfortunately, in less than a year that drastically changed.
 
I was a military public affairs officer in Texas.  My job required long hours and frequent, long trips away from home.  My first Southwest Asia deployment came on the heals of a four-month training stint on the East Coast.  That marked eight months of our second year of marriage spent apart. 


My wife had a very difficult time handling the time  apart.  She was often inconsolable.  Between work and trying to comfort her, I was under a lot of stress. At some point I became depressed.
 

Then while serving in the Saudi Arabia, I began to feel strange.  Everything difficult became easy.  A multitude of sounds, like the wind, fell into a rhythmic pattern.  Colors, light, numbers and language formed exhilaratingly intricate patterns intertwined by connections, or a common thread of meaning.  I was manic for the first time.
 
Despite embarrassing myself with overzealous, rambling emails, my illness managed to go unnoticed until I arrived home in Texas.  My wife noticed the change in me immediately and had me take a self-test for bipolar disorder.  I answered “yes” to almost every question, but yet I denied that there was anything wrong.  Still, I appeased her by going to the doctor.
 
There wasn’t a psychiatrist on the base, so I went to see a general practice physician. This was the worst mistake I made.  He could tell that I had been under a lot of stress and had been down, so he prescribed me Zoloft. The antidepressant sent my mania through the roof.  A couple of days later, at my protestation, I was hospitalized.
 
My first experience in a military hospital was a memorable one.  I was so paranoid that I thought I was part of a military experiment designed to test my loyalty and/or prepare me for advancement.  I thought doctors and the other patients were actors paid to represent abstract inner feelings of mine.
 

I was in psychosis.
 
I was treated with Ativan originally to calm me down, then Zyprexa or Olanzipine was added and Ativan was dropped.  It’s funny to me, I recall  writing a song praising Zyprexa while I was there.  Little did I know what problems it would cause for me.
 
I entered the hospital at 200 pounds.  Six weeks later I was 240.  Depakote was added to the Zyprexa shortly after leaving the hospital.  With the two weight-gaining drugs tag teaming me, I was nearly  300 pounds before the year was over.
 
 Worst of all, during my time in the hospital I was terrible to my wife. Psychosis caused me to believe that my wife and I were not meant to be together. The reality behind that was, I was bitter at her for sending me to the hospital when I had been so supportive of her.  She told me she would stand behind me no matter what.  I told her I wanted a divorce.   We separated.
 

In the months that followed discharge from the military, my thinking cleared enough that I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But I could not convince her that the manic Ryan did not represent  my true feelings. We divorced in late 2000.
 
I went into a deep depression.  I returned home to the Midwest and immediately went back to work, but the depression and combination of Olanzipine  and Depakote dulled my mind and ruined my concentration.  I slept as much as 16 hours a day during that period, often not bothering to shower or shave before going to work.  For hours I would stare at my computer screen and accomplish nothing.
 
A new doctor led me to Lithium for the first time.  He slowly tapered me off both Olanzipine and Depakote, and in a short time I felt like a new man. I lost 80 pounds to begin approaching my old weight and I felt new energy and drive at the office.  Unfortunately, that proved too good to be  true.
 
By December of 2001, I was experiencing full-blown mania again.  The lithium had not been enough to cap my high moods and they bubbled over.  I was hospitalized for a third time.  Risperidone was added to my med regimen.
 
Over the next three years, we tried Quetiapine (Seroquel), Olanzipine again, Depakote again and Buspirone without success.  I continued to experience frequent manias with intermittent depression.  All told, I went through fourjobs in four different states in just a few years.  Finally, I moved home with my mother, and started going to the local VA hospital for treatment.
 
During that time, we have tried Ziprasidone (Geodon) and Topamax, both without success.  Only in the last few months have my moods stabilized for the first time on a combination of Lithium, Aripiprazole and Lamotrigine.
 
It’s been a long hard road.  After six hospitalizations, lost jobs and damaged relationships, it can take quite a toll on a person.  But I’m on a military pension now, and I have the opportunity and time to find something I want to do.  It’s an opportunity to find real meaning again.  I hope to resume my  career writing and  editing.

 

 
~~~Wendi's Wacky World~~~


My Story began October 2nd 1969....from the time I was born my parents always said I wasn’t the same as my brothers and sisters.  I didn’t like to be taken out of the house.  I would scream and cry when they tried to take me to church or just to the store.  I wanted to stay in my little comfort zone.

Growing up I was painfully shy and introverted.  I spent most of my time in my own little world.  I always had a very creative side and spent hours drawing and making up stories, and plays for my barbies to act out.

I was never a very good student and had a very hard time concentrating in class.  But, all of my “troubles” always got pushed off to a rebellious streak or I just wasn’t really ‘trying’.  How could I explain to everyone that I could hardly concentrate and my thoughts were racing all the time?

By the time I hit my early teens my “rebellion” was getting out of control. I didn’t care what I looked like anymore! I was skipping classes like crazy!  I went to the classes that I liked and I pulled A’s...but, I flunked everything else.  I was going out and drinking pretty much every weekend, and then going to church on Sunday and pretending I was a good little girl. 

I got out of Utah and away from my family when I turned 17 and was out of high school.  I went to Connecticut and worked as a live-in Nanny for a year.  While there I continued to pretend that everything was okay...but, still felt out of control.  Eventually, conflicts arose with the family and it was time for me to leave. 

I shipped out to North Carolina to stay with my Oldest Sister for a little while.  BIG MISTAKE!  She and I have NEVER gotten along well and this was NOT a good time for me to try and live with her and her family! While there I hooked up with an older man who would be the first guy I ever slept with.  He would also be the first guy to use me and “throw” me away.  That was a tough one!  I was still young and impressionable and I thought I was in Love.  Silly ME!

Eventually, my Sister and I ended up at each others throats.  Not completely HER fault!  I did my typical stupid stuff....I went out drinking...I bought a car thru her husbands job and missed payments on it....I flaked on stuff I was supposed to do.  One day Mom and Dad came to visit and I asked them to take me back home to Utah with them.  They

relented and I headed back home.

Back Home it didn’t get any better.  I hooked back up with old friends and fell into the same old habits...but worse.  Now I was not only drinking but, I started doing drugs too.  It was the only time that I didn’t feel so out of control (at least in MY MIND I was in control).  

 

One day I left Mom and Dad’s to go out with friends...and I didn’t go back.  Literally!  I just stayed gone!  I stayed at my friends.  For days....then months.....and I didn’t even think anything about it.  I went by my Mom and Dads house when they were gone for clothes and didn’t say anything to them....didn’t call...nothing.   Looking back now, I think....How horrible it must have been for them...but, at the time....it just didn’t matter!  All that mattered is what I wanted to do.

 

Eventually, I met a couple who managed a local club and started hanging out at their house.   I left my friends apt. and moved in with them and helped them take care of their daughter when I wasn’t working.  We would go to the club dance and hang out...then go back to the apt...drink...smoke...party....I had sex with a few guys from high school that wouldn’t have given me the time of day before...but, where more then willing now that I cared what I looked like....and I was thinfrom using speed.....then I would get up and go to work.  This was an everyday thing!

This couple had a brother who was a Marine.  They introduced me to him.  I fell for him right away!  We hooked up right away and shortly after we met I got pregnant.  I eventually, left his brothers house and begged Mom and Dad to take meback.  Then had to eventually confess that I was pregnant.  So, Matt and I decided to get married.  One of the many good things that came from my pregnancy was that I immediately stopped drinking, smoking, and doing drugs!  Suddenly, there was someone more important then ME to worry about! 

Things were okay the first few months that Matt and I were married but,then he was shipped off to the Philippines for what was supposed to be a 6 month deployment.  So, I was left alone in a new State (CALIFORNIA)....with a brand new Baby Girl, no friends....and lots of credit cards!  Well, you can imagine what kind of trouble I got into!

Matt’s deployment ended up being extended due to the Gulf War for and extra 5 months.  We were living off very little and I was maxing out the credit cards like crazy!  By the time Matt got home I had been evicted from 2 apartments and was living in a not so great area, because it was the only place I could find that would take us in.

Matt didn’t understand what had happened...and I couldn’t have explained it to him to save my life.  I didn’t know why things were so out of control.  He tried really hard to be  understanding and even took on some of the responsibility himself.  Of course, I knew I was the real cause...and my mood swings were lasting longer and getting harder to “control”.  I was losing the ability to pretend I was normal.

So, we filed bankruptcy shortly after he returned home.  It was the only thing we could do to save ourselves and our car.  Eventually, we got approved for a home on base and the stress of paying the rent every month was taken away.  For a while things seemed to settle down a little.  I even went to work at the neighborhood exchange for a while.  I thought maybe, finally, life was going to be okay.  Then, all Hell broke loose!

I came home from work one day with a horrible back ache.  The next day I wasn’t feeling well, by that night I had a temp. of 104.  I ended up in the hospital for a few days with a severe UTI, Bladder and Kidney Infection.  Shortly after that, my oldest brother was killed in a motorcycle accident and then my husband had to have surgery on his neck. Which subsequently, got infected. And he was diagnosed with Asthma around this same time.

So, needless to say...the calm that I THOUGHT was finally coming to my life.  Went out the window in a big way!  We moved to new housing on base and I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child.  Things were very crazed at our house during this time as my husband was being forced out of the Marine Corps due to his medical problems and now we had the added stress of having to figure out what we were going to do and where were going to go.

Eventually, we had our beautiful baby boy...we got out of the Corps and we moved to TEXAS.  We struggled thru our first summer in TX living with my MIL (yeah...tell me I don’t deserve an award for not losing it!)

Matt finally found a job and we got an apt.  We got another car.  The kids got settled in...and all the stress and stuff finally stopped...and then I LOST IT!  It seemed like I was okay when everything was chaotic...but, when there was nothing to worry about anymore...I was lost. 

The same old crap was happening again.  Missed payments on things...buying stuff that we didn’t need...sleeping all day....blowing up at everyone at the drop of the hat.....wanting sex everyday, all day...then....don’t touch me for weeks....just pure chaos in MY WORLD!  I was making it that way and it didn’t need to be!  Why was I doing this to myself?

A couple of years of ups and downs passed and we decided we were ready to buy a house.  So, we found the home we wanted, got our loan...and moved in.  I was so excited and for a good year...the house was my project.  I worked on painting and decorating and making it everything that I wanted it to be.  Then it was done.  And I guess I got lost again.  I had nothing to do. 

I Blew it big time...more then once...I came SO CLOSE to causing us to lose our home....to lose everything.  My husband would ask me WHY I had or hadn’t done something...and I couldn’t tell him the reason...and he just couldn’t understand...and the sad thing was either could I!  I went to a DR.  they told me I was depressed.  I went on Zoloft.  And It made me WORSE.  My mood swings got even bigger and came more often.  I was cycling like crazy without knowing it.

I finally couldn’t stand it anymore!  I had to do something.  I knew I was out of control.  I was on the verge of ruining things for my family and I couldn’t let that happen anymore!

So, I finally went to see a Therapist  who diagnosed me as BiPolar 2 andshe sent me to my Psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis and started me on a treatment plan.

Now, after a few years.....some med changes and a lot of work.  I AM getting better!  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I know that I have to work everyday to deal with my illness and I will always have to be diligent with my meds.  But, I also know that I can feel better...My Family can be happier and enjoy being around me.  I can enjoy being part of the world.

I am not through all the obstacles yet...I am still a Work In Progress...But, I am getting better!

Each day that I get up is Challenge and each day I lay my head on my pillow is a Triumph!  And I look forward to them all!

 

 

~ Wendi ~

http://www.wackywendi.blog-city.com/

 

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