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Clint LaBine
Dawn
August 21, 2000


Dearest, A few months ago I forget momentarily. For just a fraction of a second, one blink of an eye it occurred to me to wonder what you are doing with yourself these days. And then then the truth socked me again, unexpectedly, made me suck in my breath. How was I to know what a treasure I held in my hands then. I hadn't yet seen enough of the world to know how special you were. I was the opposite of the little prince, you see. While he thought his sweet rose was the only one of its kind, I saw many. You were my first love and I thought if the world could set me up with something so sweet, enveloping, so loving then what other grand plans it must have in store? Do you remember one of the first nights we spent together? We lay in bed and I became aware of an absurd thought which started as a vague suspician and turned into a dreadful, weighty fear. I was the victim of a cruel joke. What other reason could possibly explain why someone so sensitive, beautiful, intelligent was holding me. I gave voice to my fears and even after you had reassured me it was no joke, the feeling stayed in the pit of my stomach for long while. I'm so sorry for letting you down, for ABANDONING you. I was so weighted down by my own pain, you see. I couldn't hold both of us afloat. Some nights when you could see it coming, when you felt me leaving you, you would cry and we would be up until three in the morning trying to work it out, talking in claustrophobic circles, me trying vainly and absurdly to make paint my inevitable flight as something which wouldn't hurt you, which might even open up new and wonderful possibilities for you. Sometimes the excruciating pain of those sessions would get to me and as the morning threatened to break and both of us would lie drained and in the dim light I would hallucinate that I saw the devil in your features. I thought at the time that I was being punished, somehow. Its perverse, I know but I couldn't shake the feeling. Our love was intense in a way that I should chalk up to adolescent angst but can't quite bring myself to, even now ten years after your death, because then I would have to let it go, deflate it of all of its importance. My mind occasionally drifts away into little fantasies of what life would be like would you have remained alive, especially since I gave you vague assurances when I left that maybe in another ten years after I had been away to college and we had both seen the world that we might hook up again. Remember our silly dreams about living by the sea? Later you wrote this poem to me: "Sand" sand freely through air my eyes pelted by grains of sand white as dead skin or love's skin written paper weighted under its smooth surface paint thrown at seas colored unreal. the house stands vacant ready for what could happen bu won't paint thins over me I'm sinking under this sand I hope I may rest What if you had stayed around? What if you had waited? Would we be living in that house now? You were so dumb! You were so handsome and curious, so aesthetically oriented, so well read. Don't you see what a dumb, blind idiot you were? You could have had anyone you wanted. Had you waded panting and wounded through adolescence, made it through that fog, you would have seen that. Instead, you gave up, tricked by the dumb girl next store. Don't you see had you survived you wouldn't have wanted me anyway? Did you love me because I was something special or just because I was in your small world your little pool.Sometimes I indulge on these mental flights where I allow myself to imagine what life might have been had I not been such a silly, sad nobody of a girl. What would have happened had I stayed? Would I be swimming in the ocean while you wrote poetry? In my mind the house stands vacant, longing for what might have been. I am so sorry for leaving you. I have felt every pain you have felt, I have been to those depths when I wished to god someone would just stick around, have faith. I just want to rest, to have solid ground. Sometimes I have this irrational feeling that you are punishing me for my terribly cruel judgement call. I will remain under your spell, labouring until I have suffered every bit of torment that I caused you when I abandoned you. Sometimes I look up and wonder, have I paid the price yet? When will you release me. I'm so sorry. I would like to think that given the opportunity to do it all over again I would do it right but I'm not so sure that's true. I am weak and needy. I have a hole in me the size of the universe. I am so sorry for letting you down. Please forgive me. I love you, Dawn Here is one more poem you wrote me: "Goose" Dear I love you More than nothing The nothing Oh how it hurts Watch for a minute You see its always there It weighs too much to be sustained by love On earth The black ball Spins on my head Crackling bone Is just a noise Love is real CLINT I LOVE YOU TOO SO TERRIBLY MUCH. BELIEVE ME AND FORGIVE ME I WOULD CRADLE YOUR TORTURED BODY FOREVER IF I COULD


to all who have died
mac
August 21, 2000


this is for everyone who has lost thier life by thier own hand and to anyone who has tried but was unsuccessful including myself. it is written by helen keller. I believe in the immortality of the soul becuse i have within me immortal longings. i believe that the state we enter after death is wrought of our own motives, thoughts and deeds. i believe that in the life to come i sahll have the senses i have not had herr, and my home there will be beautiful with color, misic, and speech of flowers and faces i love. without this faith there would be littele meaning in my life. i should be a mere pillar of darkness in the dark observers in the full enjoyment of their bodily senses pity me, but it is because they do not see the golden chamber in my life where i dwell delighted for dark as my path seem to them, i carry a magic light in my heaqrt. faith, the spiritual strong searchlight, illuminates the way, and although sinister doubts lurk in the shadow, i walk unafraid toward the enchanted wood wherer the foliage is always green, where joy abides, where nightengales nest and sing, aand where life and death are one in the presence of the lord. 


Raymond Teat Sr.
a granddaugter
August 19, 2000


Grandpa, We all miss you so much! I wish you didn't feel like you had to commit suicide. We would have been there if only we knew how you felt. You will always be in my heart.


Ruth Morris
Her adopted only child
August 17, 2000


You were an Artist, a Narcissist, a Dreamer, a Lover. You wanted a Baby Girl -- a Doll -- to dress up in fine expensive clothes. A child with no right to her own dreams, voice, or heaven forbid -- her own tricycle. You wanted Me. So you got Me. And I was a disappointment. You see, I could never be your Perfect Little Malleable Doll. My defect? My crime? I was a living, breathing, human Being with feelings, needs, and dreams of my own. So you tried to control me. You forced me to eat when I was not hungry, forbade me to play with other children lest they "contaminate" me. And when I failed to fulfill your wishes, you locked me in your dark closet to punish me. You also gave me an awareness of Art and Nature, which I will always treasure... despite the fact that you shared these things with me in an attempt to mold me into a replica of Your Self. I was the brightest girl in class... the girl who knew how to distinguish different species of butterflies and read at the 2nd grade level by the time she was in kindergarten. Intellectually superior... I was your positive mirror... but in my own world of children... I was an alien, a freak. You were so proud to show off your Creation. Until that fateful day when Daddy died. And after weeks of sitting in darkness, you could no longer continue without him... life was empty. No one to admire you. All you had was your little creation (me). A distorted mirror of Your Self struggling for differentiation. But without your primary positive mirror.... your husband... You grew to hate Your Self = you hated Me. You asked me to go up to the roof to jump off with you, because you couldn't live without Him anymore. But what about Me? How did you expect Me to live without You? But it seems the question either never entered your mind... or simply did not matter. I said.. pleaded... "No, Mommy, No!" My six year old mind, although advanced and precocious... was powerless, inept. So one fine June day... off you went... over Top... over the Edge. And the grown-ups I stayed with lied to me about you. Said I couldn't see you yet... you were sick in the hospital. Knowing the terrible Truth, I played along. The message was clear. The adults could not handle it, so I kept the pain inside... to protect them from my grief, feigning ignorance. (Or innocence?) Barred from attending your (secret) funeral, I was denied the chance to say good-bye. The grown-ups surmised that I had adjusted to my new life so well... In fact, I was so well adjusted that I had simply "forgotten" about you. Never to mention your name again. How convenient. The foolishness and ignorance of those adults. Those superior beings with their threats and power trips, jealousy, envy, and hatred. I was the Little Stranger. An adopted child who inherited the family fortune (Daddy was a self-made doctor who left me with a substantial nest egg.) Unrelated by blood ties, I was an object of vindication. How dare I inherit (steal?) my Daddy's fortune! (Never mind the fact that I had no control over the matter. Maybe Daddy felt that I deserved to have it?) How dare I! How dare He! The Grown-ups, motivated by greed, under a veil of "sympathy" and "concern" tried to crush the Spirit from me... and they succeeded, in part. But they could never take away the powerful secret Treasure I held inside my Heart... my Daddy's spirit. My Daddy's genuine Love. His Belief.. in Me. My Knight, my Protector, my Hero, my Doctor, my Lover.. The one person who, although he did NOT want to adopt me -- wisely knowing that at his age, it was not practical to take full responsibility for the life and future of an infant child -- He was the one person who truly loved me. When he shared his love and affection... you felt deprived. You were greedy... wanted Him and wanted Me... to yourself... Exclusively. When you could possess neither, you made a decision to resign as my Mother. So you flew off the edge of the earth. You took yourself away from me. Abandoned me. Left me to be an orphan. Now I am a grown woman with a Daughter of my own, age ten. She is loving, sensitive, intelligent, and beautiful. She is cherished by her parents, and the love she returns to us is immeasurable. In honor of my beloved Father, I am a doctor. Not of medicine, but psychology. Behavioral health, mind-body connection, emotional expression, and mental functioning. My goal? To enable my patients find the courage to discard their false selves (how others see them), explore their family dynamics, develop healthy relationships, and ultimately, heal their damaged psyches. For me, this profession fits like a glove. It is very gratifying. In honor of You, I am an Artist, a Dreamer, a Lover of Nature. Most improtantly, I am Alive.


richard, doyle, grandpa
marianne
August 16, 2000


i miss richard so much...i love him. doyle, i love you too but it's been along time since your suicide and grandpa's even longer. i love the dreams i have with you (grandpa). it is a beautiful water that you bring me to. richard, i miss you, i miss you, and i love you. 


Mum
angel
August 14, 2000


I was only seven but I remember the day as clear as a cloudless sky. Now I'm twenty eight and my life is so troubled, am I the same as you? Is that how I'll end up? I understand why you did because I've tried doing the same as you on a number of occasions. Did you suffer with bipolar disorder as I do? The only regret is growing up without you. I love you and miss you mum.


GERALD WILLIAMS
your bro.LA
August 13, 2000


whats up bro.its been a long time since that fatal day,most people don't know what happen that day but i do.i know the pain you felt,cause i feel it everyday,the pain,the emptiness,but i did manage to find god and invited him into my life.i wish you could have found the lord 2.i miss u so much man i know i will see u again soon,i just hope it's gods will when my time comes.until then i keep praying and try to hold on.love u bro,missing u. 


Valentina Rochester
Anna
August 11, 2000


Val, I understand the pain you were in. Your best friend moving, your other friends abandoning you. The divorce,all You felt alone, and responsible as if noone could love you. Everything was so hard for you because of cp and you asked why? You were such a complex person. Your genius, creativity, spirit, and compassion were supposed to give you inner peace, but the questions were tumoltuous and you kept digging deeper. You got so angry, at yourself, life, and God If this is the only option you had for inner peace, rest assured that is what we want. I will always be inspired by your determination Your beautiful paintings and poems will fill the void in my soul. 


jerry micheal carey
melinda ann carey
August 09, 2000


This is for my uncle who took his life in a land faraway at the age of 20. I don't remember him very well, because i was only 9 then, but now at 38 i found out that we had so much in common. Bipolar. Even though it runs ramped in my family, i am the only one who has been diagnosed. I know the pain he felt right up to the last breath he took, i just want to feel the peace he has now.


Brother Ramon
Mark Monroe
August 09, 2000


Ramon Thanks for all your unconditional love You were my best friend You were my brother Now you are free I think of you every day Love Mark


Kathy
Mark
August 09, 2000


We love you Kathy All of our members remember you You came and expressed your pain Now you are free We love you Kathy


all those who have lost a loved one
Dorothy
August 06, 2000


If you've lost a friend or relative to suicide, please grieve, yes - but then get involved! Lobby your legiislators to change the laws which allow people to suffer to this extreme. Educate yourselves, educate others - tolerate no prejudice against those wiith mental illness...even in yourselves. 


Desiree, who moved on August 1997
Ingrid
August 03, 2000


Dear Des, how fitting for me to find this wall around the time of the anniversary of your death, guess i've been thinking about you lately, I was telling a woman I had just met last night all about your visit here as an "earth angel". Do you know how privileged I felt that you chose me to be your best friend???????? Uniquely you, incredible in your forgiveness, & we had a blast, didn't we!!!!!!! I was sooooooo mad at you there for quite awhile, "how could you leave me, why wouldn't you let me help you?" I don't know if you did it on purpose though, i just knew that you couldn't stand the pain anymore, and I can understand that so well. I miss you a lot, and wish you were here to meet D.; did you really send him to me? Such similar spirits you are. I miss you like crazy, you know. You taught me so much, such joy, laughter, love, even when you couldn't feel it inside. Goodbye, I'll be seeing you, I hope.


Michael Sheyne
Sherl Matsik
August 02, 2000


Michael, you will live on forever in our hearts and minds and with the spirit that you lived on earth may you forever soar free in the universe. You were and are a child of God and you have gone home to rest in peace. Love your forever friend Sheryl


Tim Comella
Aunt Lynn
August 02, 2000


Tim was 27, a bright young man who had been troubled from his youth. Unfortunately, his diagnosis was never clear and so he didn't get the guidance or treatment he needed. He was a teacher, much loved by his students, many of whom attended his funeral and are now coping with loss as are we, his family. We loved you then, Tim, even though you couldn't believe in our love, --and we love you now.


Daniel Ray Bushard
Your sister-in-law, Angel
July 30, 2000


Dan - drugs, alcohol, and depression took control and forced you to leave behind a wife, son, and daughter. Your family blames Wendy for leaving you moving away, but they never knew the private hell they were dealing with on a daily basis. Wendy is the most patient, loving, and understanding wife and mother I have ever known, she just couldn't take the mental and physical abuse anymore, she begged you to get help but you couldn't see that you had a problem and refused. She finally had to do something to protect herself and your children. She makes sure that Daniel Jr. & Kendra are growing up with loving memories of their dad and she still wears her wedding ring proudly. Daniel is turning into a fine hunter just like you were and Kendra is still dealing with the memories of you with your hands on her mommy's throat trying to choke her to death in the barn. When she screamed "I hate you daddy" she didn't mean it - she is just a little girl was trying to protect her mommy, and now blames herself for your death and cries silently when she thinks no one hears, Daniel Jr. blames himself for not staying with you when mom packed their things and left because he thinks that he could have stopped you if he had stayed. She didn't leave because she didn't love you, she left because she did love you and she had to protect herself and your children. Your family has smeared her name with awful rumors and lies about her in the small community where you lived but she is holding her own. She is a survivor and although she goes through her own hell of missing you, she is as strong as she can be for your children. She moved back to the farm house where you took your life with that damn bullet. She keeps your memory alive with the kids with all the "good memories" you shared as a family. Thank you for leaving her a letter telling her it was not her fault and that you truly loved her - she needed to hear that as the alcohol, drugs, and depression prevented you from saying it for so long. You had your reasons for leaving this private "hell" on earth. If any of you out there are planning to commit suicide - please leave your loved ones a note or letter to let them know that it's not their fault. They don't understand what you are dealing with and most of the time can't see the pain you are suffering, but sit and wonder why you are gone and what they could have done differently to prevent it. Thank you.


Pieces of us
David
July 26, 2000


To God of love, light, wisdom..known by many names... Ra, Tat, Krishna, Sugmad, Rama, Gaiana, Buddha, Mahanta, Waaken Tanka, Mahavira, Ahdonay, Anu, Brahma, Khoda, Siddha, Akua, Ahura Mazda, Atva, Shiva, Nanak, Jehovah, Osenbula, Maheo, Yahweh, Kami Sama, master-of-Karma..,Nagual, Ato, Kali Durga, Allah,... ... ... I pray that ALL good souls find the other shore of peace, no matter the vessel they 'sail', or when... I pray that all continue the journey upward and onward...wherever we are on the continuum....with noble courage, wisdom, and strength. 


those who have lost the battle
crazyT
July 25, 2000


to those who have lost the battle my prayers i send to you in heaven above--to those of you who are still behind i pray you have the strength to fight one more day--i know the pain you fight--i fight it everyday---sometimes i want to just put it all away but i know i still must fight--so i pray for me that GOD gives me the strength to fight this on going battle--


Nathan
Mark
July 23, 2000


Yes Say a prayer for the good, but deeply pained people who choose to deliver themselves into the creator's WISE, JUST, LOVING, WELCOMING LIGHT


Those who took their lives
Douglas
July 22, 2000


Let us pray for the souls of those good but tormented people who took their own lives - that they find love, peace and release into the light of new beginnings.


Justin Kowalski
Heather
July 18, 2000


Justin-on this earth, we were not as close as some friends are. But what I want you to know is how deeply I love your sweet spirit. You had the heart of a poet, an artist, a dreamer, a lover and it lives on through those who continue to love you. Perhaps you did this to show everyone in your life how much you meant. How much suicide affects those you leave behind. I almost killed myself so many times. A few weeks ago in a chemically imbalanced state, I wandered into Walgreens an purchased so razor blades. I came home to my apt. and cried profusely. The only thought in my head was pain. But I thought of the pain it would cause my sweet parents, who have done nothing wrong. I am their only child. It would not be fair for me to die before my parents. I know all of the pain and beauty of life. the delicious feeling of being in love and making love...the sweet scent of roses.....the feeling of expansion and swimming in love with the divine. What is a centuary of life? You, we only have to stick it through....I have reclaimed my life and my faith in God and Goddess. Suicide is a karmic disaster. When we commit suicide, we sometimes tack as many as 20 extra lifetimes on. And we come back in almost identical situations until we get it right. I am not going to beg and plead for you not to bump yourself off, but I merely want you to be informed about the karmic number you are doing on yourself. It is not so much the act of suicide that we end up having to pay off, rather it is the mass suffering we cause in all who knew us. Bi-polar is a gift. In the ancient times the "crazy" ones were the sages, and priests and priestesses. We have the gift of being able to walk in two worlds at once. Stupid people never get bi-polar...Do you notice it is always the brilliant artists, writers, healers, etc? We Can put our strange gifts to use by taking charge of this thing called life and practise Shamanism. Illness always starts with a misconception of thought or past life karma that we are working out. Stay in this life and even if it is painful at times, know that you will progress and acsend to higher levels of light. We Love you: Gabrielle


Justin Kowalski
Heather
July 18, 2000


Justin-on this earth, we were not as close as some friends are. But what I want you to know is how deeply I love your sweet spirit. You had the heart of a poet, an artist, a dreamer, a lover and it lives on through those who continue to love you. Perhaps you did this to show everyone in your life how much you meant. How much suicide affects those you leave behind. I almost killed myself so many times. A few weeks ago in a chemically imbalanced state, I wandered into Walgreens an purchased so razor blades. I came home to my apt. and cried profusely. The only thought in my head was pain. But I thought of the pain it would cause my sweet parents, who have done nothing wrong. I am their only child. It would not be fair for me to die before my parents. I know all of the pain and beauty of life. the delicious feeling of being in love and making love...the sweet scent of roses.....the feeling of expansion and swimming in love with the divine. What is a centuary of life? You, we only have to stick it through....I have reclaimed my life and my faith in God and Goddess. Suicide is a karmic disaster. When we commit suicide, we sometimes tack as many as 20 extra lifetimes on. And we come back in almost identical situations until we get it right. I am not going to beg and plead for you not to bump yourself off, but I merely want you to be informed about the karmic number you are doing on yourself. It is not so much the act of suicide that we end up having to pay off, rather it is the mass suffering we cause in all who knew us. Bi-polar is a gift. In the ancient times the "crazy" ones were the sages, and priests and priestesses. We have the gift of being able to walk in two worlds at once. Stupid people never get bi-polar...Do you notice it is always the brilliant artists, writers, healers, etc? We Can put our strange gifts to use by taking charge of this thing called life and practise Shamanism. Illness always starts with a misconception of thought or past life karma that we are working out. Stay in this life and even if it is painful at times, know that you will progress and acsend to higher levels of light. We Love you: Gabrielle


Cora Neal-Palma
Amanda
July 15, 2000


Cora I Love you so much I cant belive your gone I miss you so much It should'nt have been you. You were so young a beautiful full of happiness and love it was like one minute you were write beside me and the next you were gone I love and miss you sooooo much no one could ever replace such a good friend like you "Tell me its real" forever Cora! In loving Memory Cora Neal-Palma Dec-16-85 to March-16-00 I love you Love Amanda


All of the victims, families and friends
Per Magnuson, Göteborg, Sweden
July 15, 2000


This is dedicated to all people who has comitted suicide, all their relatives and friends. I constantly think about this and I deeply regret every loss of lifes regardless of reason. I have sufferd from depressions, and also thinking about suicide, but i have got help and support so I realize that I don't want my dear friends and relatives get a chance to put my name on the wall If somebody out there read this and want to talk about this topic, I would be glad if I can give help away and contribute with my experience. God Bless You All. Sincerly, Per Magnuson Sweden capitoleum@swipnet.se


marshall
brook
July 12, 2000


i almost did it last night ya know. then i thought about you. everyone said it was just a car accident, but i know you better than that marshall. you got in a fight and had too much going on. you hit the tree on purpose. why? i don't know. probably the same reason i tried. i would be with you right now if neil and brad hadn't found me last night before i got in my car. the same fate as you. i love you dearly, and i know you know that. you're in a better place and soon i might join you. i love you marsh.


Michael
FactoryGirl
July 11, 2000


They said you had everything. Everything including depression and loads of stress. Did you know that alcohol and anti-depressants don't mix? I cry every time I see your work now. When I look at you I see things I didn't see before. Maybe if someone else had seen them you'd still be here. I want to thank you for what you did for me. At the risk of sounding like Whitney Houston: I will always love you.


David
FactoryGirl
July 11, 2000


My "Suicide Blonde". You had so many problems. "The System" failed you in so many ways. You went to prison where got injured and came out with a morphine habit. You slept on my floor (when you weren't keeping me up all night). Do you remember the donut shop at 3am? You made me leave when the cops walked in. I tried to help but I really didn't understand. I finally gave up when I learned you were selling drugs. You were dead three months later. I'm sorry. We had some good times. I wish you had called me. I hope they have a drum set for you where ever you are.


Kim Wade
Gloria
July 07, 2000


Dear Kim,sorry I didn't know your pain at the time, I wish I could have helped you, I'm sorry for your pass and that you had no hope left. Well Kim I hope to see you in heaven when I get there so take care and we all love and miss you.


Troy Miles Garcia
Patricia Garcia Bennett
July 05, 2000


Troy, I miss you more each day that passes, but the love I have for you never fades...Your smile is forever inprinted in my heart..and your laughter is always heard Love you so much, Your big sis!! 


Me
Sarah
July 05, 2000


This is my last cry for help. The doctor's don't help me, the hospital don't help me, my friends aren't my friends anymore. This is my lsat cry for help. If any of you out there want to help me please email me right away at : suicide_sarah6@hotmail.com


My Dad.
RVA
July 03, 2000


This is dedicated to my father who commited emotional suicide. Who followed the voices of others rather than his own. Who has always felt he should rather than that he wanted. Who's face I see each time I look in the mirror and I think of what he could have been. I also dedicate this to all those who walk, talk and breathe yet feel dead inside. And to all survivors of emotional and physical abuse. We walk as strangers yet know who we are. . .


"Jack" M.
Jan
June 29, 2000


It has been twelve weeks now since you left. In some ways it feels like forever and in others it seems like it was just yesterday. The missing you and the pain and the memories of seeing that last moment of your life do not stop for me. Your family still preys on me, trying to push me over the edge to where you have gone Jack. I know you were never diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wish in all your years of treatment someone would have thought of it. I see it in retrospect. The manic days when you didnt sleep and wanted to apply and work at four or five jobs at once, the days when you drank yourself into near oblivion and still wouldnt slow down. Then there were the days when you cried, slept all day, or sat and played games on the computer, not caring if you showered or ate. WHY oh WHY didn't I see it and try to get you help? I can't help you now. I am so very sorry love that I saw too late. You knew I struggled with my own chronic depression and that my sister was diagnosed as bipolar and you loved us. Maybe that would have convinced you that it was okay to get help, that what was happening to you was not because "you were a loser" as your family made you believe. I saw my neighbor in trouble since you have been gone. I got him to the mental health clinic this week and a psychiatrist today. His life was following yours in so many ways. This morning he too was diagnosed as bipolar and he was started on meds. Now he will have a chance and at least his girlfriend will will still have him to hold. My arms are so, so empty Jack and my heart even more so. Some days even my soul feels empty without you. Rest in peace my sweet man and know that I love you as much today as I always have. Jan


ryan denton
leigh
June 25, 2000


well, ryan, i did it. someone is actually going to publish one of my poems, in a real book and everything. how fitting that this first one should be about you, how much i miss you, how i wanted to bind you to me, never let go of you. your mother, bless her heart, says you'd be very proud of me and pleased. i think even now i feel you looking down on me and smiling. i know you know everything now, that all has been revealed to you. but i wanted to tell you myself anyway. "tanks" for listening buddy. i miss you like crazy.


Kathy Lynne Roberts
Juanita Draper
June 23, 2000


In your last moments on earth, I wonder what was going on in your life. I wonder If you thought about me at all. I wish I knew for sure that you hadn't killed yourself, but I probably never will. I hope your last moments on earth were not painful, and I wish I would have known how sad you and your sister must have been. I loved you Cat, but now its time to say goodbye and stop lingering in the past. Goodbye Kathy Lynne;from your best friend J.J.


Kathy Lynne Roberts
Juanita Draper
June 23, 2000


In your last moments on earth, I wonder what was going on in your life. I wonder If you thought me at all. I wish I knew for sure that you hadn't killed yourself, but I probably never will. I hope your last moments on earth were not painful, and I wish I would have known how sad you and your sister must have been. I loved you Cat, but now its time to say goodbye and stop lingering in the past. Goodbye Kathy Lynne;from your best friend J.J.


Buddy McLaughlin, 1968-1984
Mom
June 19, 2000


My son, my first born, how I miss you. The pain of that first year and the years that followed has lessened and I continue to heal and learn to live again, but I never stop missing you. Living with depression myself, I know the pain you were in and the peace you sought. I don't believe you had any ideal of the pain you would leave behind for everyone who loved you. I am so grateful for the wonderful dreams I have now when you come to me and I see your wonderful smile once again and feel your arms around my neck, they bring me more comfort than I thought possible. I know you are keeping watch and cheering your sister and me on as we continue our journey through life without you. You are loved now as you were while you were with us. Love Mom 


Tim
Loved One
June 16, 2000


My dear Tim, your life sadly ended a few years ago. It was not the gun that took your life, but the disease you inherited. You are greatly missed. Recently you had a birthday. A beautiful blue spruce tree was planted by your grave in memory of you. As you look down from heaven I hope this tree brings you pleasure. Pleasure that you missed during your life on earth. At first, I was very angry about your suicide. As time pasted and I learned more about severe depression, I also learned to forgive you. I know God has also forgiven you. I have come to realize, that with all the suicide attempts in the world, not all are successful. I view this to be God's will. God will only allow a person to pass on from this life when He determines that person has suffered enough. When the suffering became to great for you, God allowed you to die so that you could be taken up into his arms and comforted. I look forward to the day when I join you in heaven. I know we will have a wonderful time, as there is no pain in God's kingdom. It will be a blink of an eye for you in heaven, but I'll see you there in forty years or so. I Love You!


Paul Swanson
Susan Swanson
June 15, 2000


you already know my heart. just remember, your a good man.


C. C.
A true friend....
June 15, 2000


RE: NEXT POSTING Reply with comments to ladygoldwinginflight@hotmail.com Peace. 


C.C.
A true friend who sees......
June 15, 2000


PLEASE NOTE: !! THE THOUGHTS IN THE NEXT POSTING WERE NOT EXPRESSED BY THE PERSON LISTED AT THE E-MAIL ADDRESS RETURN. ladygoldwinginflight@hotmail.com. I WILL SEEK TO CORRECT THAT UNWANTED LISTING AND THANK YOU FOR NOT ADDRESSING OR DISTURBING PAUL. WISHING YOU COMFORT... A FRIEND TO YOU AS WELL.


C. C.
A true friend who sees.......
June 15, 2000


Dear C.C. You were a good soul... I was saddened that you felt you needed to take your life 2 years ago, mid thirties. I know you have found peace. That may have seemed a young age, but time is relative to the context....I will not judge your action, rather, I give to you the gift of respect for making a courageous choice that must have taken much deliberation, and agonizing forethought - you must have lost hope & peace of mind - central ingredients to successful living. I will not delude myself in thinking that I could have saved you or that I caused you your hurt -there is always someone willing to help - to care. I personally do not wish anyone to live in excessive misery if that is where they are truly at. It takes a society to make a person - and sometimes to break them. Crippling is not always visible - however, even the most severely phyically crippled person is truly rich, if possessing inner peace... you did not. I trust you did all you could to quell the inner pain before you left, for you are not a quitter or a loser - your deed was surely not 'performed' to seek attention or to spite anyone. Despite the negative aspects in your life, you wouldn't delibertately seek to harm friends, family or even strangers! If anything, you probably wanted to set yourself and others free -you awere the furthest from being selfish. You are an aware, intelligent, kind, sensitive spirit.....the only to truly understand the degree of your unique pain. I would never presume with arrogance, ignorance, or dull kindness to think that just milk & cookies, well-intentioned people, a good sleep, pills, therapy, institutionalization, or twisted 'christian' beliefs would solve the depth your mature adult hurt... but if a quick fix would have the answer, which I highly doubt, then I am sorry it didn't materialize - and would be disappointed in you. Yet, I knew your sorrows. It is indeed a crime that you could not leave this world with dignity, for ours is a society steeped in negative taboo regarding death. Yet so too ours is a tough world that creates almost impossible expectations via Hollywood, the media, pious dogmatically inclined people, the youth/beauty/wealth/success culture, fundamentalists, small-minded people, the lucky, the intelligent, the ignorant, the cruel, - all who reinforce these life standards..sometimes unknowingly... and who does not want the best.. it is unfair. This world is challenging...some just cannot cope. I won't exacerbate an already raw situation by calling you down for the deed. Just because your inner tumult could not be measured visibly, does not mean that you were not suffering as extensively validly as any other physically wounded individual - be it from health, head, heart, happiness issues, etc... Perhaps a day will come when, after careful self jurying, and in careful agreement with pure enlightened appointed 'committees' - one shall be able to go to a "portal house" per se where they can leave this world, in ceremony befitting the occasion(or not), with friends, family (or not) and go to the other shore in peace, if that is truly what they coherently, competently, intelligently, emotionally earnestly feel they need. I am not supporting cheats who want to take the easy way out...rather, those who have given all their best efforts to surmount whatever cripples them....Statistics are crying out to address this unfortunate dilemma...time for moral re-evaluation with a new perspective. I give you permission to take leave - I love you enough to wish you peace, love, and hope others see the same. A true friend.


Ryan Denton
Daye
June 11, 2000


There is a void now that no one can fill but you. You were our life. We marveled at your genius. You were born to ordinary people. Nevertheless, ordinary people who loved you. You experienced and witnessed the pain and suffering of this society. You revered great writings and writers. You never knew just what a great writer you were. Your poetry astounds everyone who reads it. They are left wondering where such insight and honesty came from. Ryan you were a POET! Your father's words on your monument say it best: THE BEAUTY OF YOUR ART WAS ONLY SURPASSED BY THE BEAUTY OF YOUR HEART


Jimmy
James
June 08, 2000


No one ever see's the heartache, No one ever feels the pain, No one ever really see's the tears...When your crying in the rain. I posted hear to say good-bye to the person that I was. It's been over a year now that I tried to kill myself. The worst part is that I know it's still here inside of me.... sleeping. It wakes up sometimes to let me know that it lays dormant. It is a struggle. For the ones who do not know the nagging pain, the head aching, the hole that is left. The feeling that has always been there, the one that tells you that it will always be this way. I want to leave a lot. But, I stay because....because....I really don't know life at all.


ANDY
penpal of 23 years
June 07, 2000


Received the news of your death of 29th July 1998. You will never be forgotten. I wish you every thing in heaven that you missed on earth. When this life`s exile is over I look forward to meet with you.


Richie Beckwith
Renee
June 06, 2000


I wish I'd seen the signs. What can i say, I was 13 and didn't really know anything. I miss you more than I can say. I still miss the boat-washings and the long hours in the hammock staring at your sandy feet. I'm thankful for how we got to be close, even if it made losing you that much harder; it was worth it. Thank you for how, in death, you gave me the anger and strength to fight it myself. 


ryan
jill
June 05, 2000


i didn't know you, but i know the people your loss has touched. you meant so much. you have left them wondering "why?", and if nothing else, you have left them with the resolve to try with all their might to make a difference in the lives of the people they meet. in so doing, you have made a difference in my life and i, too, will try to make a difference so that those who have felt alone will know that they are not. may god be with you.


Ryan Denton
Leigh
June 04, 2000


It's too late for me now To say the things I should have said. I can't help feeling that the world has failed you. You were brilliant, did you know? The stark beauty of your words touched me. I can never forget you. Poor soul, unable to escape torment. Always a kind word, but never for yourself. Your life touched us all, Like a stone breaking the stillness of a quiet pond, The ripples continue even now, after you've gone. How could you not have known how we all loved you? I am left to wonder why. I am left to pray for your peace. I am left to carry on. I am left. Oh, Ryan........... You will never know how much I miss you Ryan. Or how much I love you. I don't understand it myself, really. I pray somehow you have found peace, and that we will meet again on the other side. Rest in peace. Leigh


All ot those who died in despair
A friend
June 04, 2000


There's a pray you could say if you're feeling desperate and without anyone to talk to. Espiritu Santo tú que me aclaras todo que iluminas todos los caminos para que yo alcance mi ideal tú que me das el don divino de perdonar y olvidar el mal que me hacen y que en todos los instantes de mi vida estas conmigo. hoy quiero agradecerte por todo y confirmarte que nunca quiero separarme de ti por mayor que sea mi ilusión material. deseo estar contigo y todos mis seres queridos en la gloria perpetua. Gracias por tu misericordia para conmigo y los mios. Amen It is in spanish but trust me it helps.


Anyone who is or has suffered
Anthony Briani
June 04, 2000


I know the pain, it seems to overcome every joyful moment. I just wish someone had helped the unfortunate victims who this wall is in memory of. 


Shaelyn
Shannon
June 03, 2000


You're bright smile still lights up my memories. I never knew how much I'd miss you until you were gone. I know things are better for you now, where ever you are. You still hold that special place in my heart. Shaelyn, you will always be my best friend.


Mike LaPorta
Karen
June 03, 2000


Mike, We shared our stories of our childhood, our depression, our desire to die. I miss you terribly and wish you could have gotten help. I do not hate you, I still love you and think of you often, as do many of your friends. I understand your pain and your decision as I have been close many times. I still fight the battle and today I am winning. Walk beside me on those days when the fight seems so bleak and so lost. May your soul rest in peace and no longer feel the pain. All my love - Karen


Paul
Kathy
June 01, 2000


To Paul and all who have chosen to end the pain and suffering the only way you knew how... I miss your smile, your strength..your love.... but for the Grace of God go I


MY FRIEND EDWARD
NORMA JEAN
May 30, 2000


WE LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH EVERYDAY OF OUR LIVES. I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE EVERY SO OFTEN AND I KNOW YOU'RE AROUND. STAY CLOSE, LEAD ME DOWN THE RIGHT PATH WHEN I GET LOST. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP EACH OTHER, REMEMBER? YOU'RE IN MY PRAYERS.


Moisel Martin
Sarah
May 29, 2000


My dearest Moisel- it's been over 2 years since you killed yourself. I remember the day we buried you it was the start of the Great Ice Storm in Ottawa, Canada. If only you knew how much we all loved and cared for you. I'll always think of you Moisel! Moisel committed suicide on January 1st 1998.


All who have succeeded
Diane
May 28, 2000


Well, here I still am. On May 5th I tried to commit suicide again for the 3rd time. Once again, God would not take me. Now my family hates me even more and I have lost all respect. They do not understand depression and think I do not love them. I love them so much it hurts not to be normal and find joy in everyday life. So now Im stuck here and trying to pull myself back up again. Please forgive me Joey and Paula and try to understand. I love you guys its the illness I tried to leave,not you. God has forgiven me. Wont you???????????? Love Always Mommy


The one I love
Brandy Brown
May 24, 2000


I will always love you!


those who still fight the battle
crazy T
May 21, 2000


the dark side:even the light of day no longer blocks the dark;when did it come;one doesnot really know;but it comes;first it creeps to the corners;seeping evey so slowly;just a flutter;what was that;the question left unanswered;then you say was it nothing, probably;you stow it way back in the resin of your mind;forgotten;or is it;now that it is there it is free to seep into our inner most private places;feeding on the grey matter;it cares not the damage it does;it only wants fed;and we are too weak to stop it;yes we hide it;we don't discuss it;they already have us pegged as nuts,mental cases;if we discussed our most darkest of the dark--the key they would lock us up and through that key away;so we keep it inside;it feeds;medication we take;it feeds;is it real--is it a fainting thought--is it imaginary;yes,no,maybe--to us it is all to real;we try to control it;but are we the controlers or be we the darkness's slave;are we the toy to which it plays--only to consume us even more;we fight;fight we must;but comes a day we utter these words--how much longer can i fight;the darkness is strong;can i be stronger,yes we say;but the darkness he has other ideas;fight me--he taunts--you fight me--you are weak--i am strong--medication it's a joke--you are mine now--stop your fight--there's no one to talk to--no one to help--they have the key--the door to lock--either way you are mine;it mocks us in every moment sometimes we repress him;the fight we think we are winning;the fight is tiring;to give in it is a sin they say;if others would know our torment they would want us to stay;but the darkness he is stronger;for now i will fight with all my strength;today i win darkness is left to try another day;it coldness to consume,it's hunger to feed;we let no one know;the battle is ours to win or loose;and God forgive us our choice;and pray not for me;pray for the others;their pain and darkness is still to be......


of all those who have chosen to go
crazy T
May 19, 2000


i understand your pain--i too walk that line---i am still here for how long i do not know. the dark is always here--it's hard to explain---noone understands or maybe they just don't want ot think about it--there is maybe one i can safely talk to--but i fear he may try to lock me up--so i fight the feeling--for now i am winning--i pray i always will--if not i pray God forgives me--but first i will try to talk to the one i trust above all--crazyT


Jackie Wyatt
Marnie McKew
May 17, 2000


Peace be with you, Jack. I know you're soul is peaceful and being taken care of by your family and friends and that you are moving your spirit to a higher place. We love you, each day we give thanks that your are free from pain and torment. You're still here with us because your laughter and spirit is within your boys, who love you, as we all do. We will meet again, and may you guide me though your world - stay close. 


Trying to find a way to hang on
bluemoon
May 15, 2000


I have been reading all of the postings here. I feel so much pain. I am bipolar and have actually been suffering for years. Sadly, I have given this disease to my beautiful 10-year-old son. He has already said he wishes he had died as a baby. Try to find a reason to hang on so many people say. It's like I've handed my son a death sentence and now have to live with it. He is so troubled and hurting. I don't have the answers. I look for the answers everywhere and can't find them. Am I doing the right things? Is my son going to survive? Am I? So many times I have wished the world would just stop and let me get off. I don't have the courage to commit suicide. I wish I did. I have tried 3 times. I hurt so much today. I'm in a deep dark place. My husband is a kind and very gentle man. That and the knowledge that my son does need me is the only thing that keeps me hanging on. I'm teaching my husband all he needs to help our son. Maybe then I can go.


Hal Giboney
Rosemary
May 13, 2000


May 20th you were found in the frosh dorm closet, hung, at peace. Hal, it was 39 years ago yet when I look at my own child who would willingly join you, who says the illness has beaten him, I think of the joy you brought into my life; I see the shy smile, the extreme intellect, the doctor's hands. We didn't know back then, we didn't know. Every anniversary I think of the good times, wish you could see the world today, and mourn for the lack of understanding and most of all for the lack of proper medical care...continue to rest in peace. We all still love you.


all who grew weary
christian suburbanite
May 06, 2000


rows of houses all bearing down on me i can feel their blue hands touching me all these things into position all these things will one day swallow whole this machine will will not communicate these thoughts and the strain i am under BE A WORLD CHILD FORM A CIRCLE BEFORE WE ALL GO UNDER cracked eggs dead birds scream as they fight for life i can feel death can see its beady eyes all these things into position all these things will one days swallow whole- immerse your soul in love! .iMMeRsE yOuR sOuL iN LoVe. -"street spirit [fade out]" We may not uunderstand. But we life up our hands in prayer. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart.." Jeremiah 1:5 +He wishes not one to perish, but have everlasting life.


ROBBY DAVIDSON
SANDY DAVIDSON
May 03, 2000


ROBBY WAS A LOVING CHILD. HE WAS ONLY 15 WHEN HE LEFT THIS WORLD TO FIND ANOTHER. HIS LOVING SMILE , CARING EYES, AND PRESCIOUS MEMORY WILL LIVE ON IN OUR HEARTS TIL THE DAY WE ALL SHALL BE WITH HIM AGAIN . LOVINGLY HIS STEP-MOM SANDY


our spooky
gavin
May 02, 2000


you're not yet gone in body but your precious soul keeps trying to escape. we love you spook, we need you. please don't leave us.. love the "dead angel" boys.. jon, gav, chris & shawn


David john Barnes
angela janet helen barnes (wee sister)
May 02, 2000


I will always miss my big brother dave, he was like a twin to me. I miss him and love him dearly.


camus
April 27, 2000


For those people who keep placing 


Rachel O'malley
Tori Bertram
April 27, 2000


Rachel O'Maley Jan.11, 1980-Jul.25, 1998 She will always be missed.


Steven James Osthoff
BipolarBoy
April 25, 2000


He was a troubled soul that had this illness that has beset myself and most of my family on our mother's side. He tried to find his peace in death - may God take him into his arms and give him that peace. Steve took his life violently on May 20, 1986 I miss you brother...


Leslie Vernon Dickerson
Lori Ellen Cannon
April 23, 2000


Leslie was my dad.....he left about 11 years ago...he was the best dad anyone could ever have...when i was a girl, i was a bookworm and he built me a little cubby in the garage under workbench so nobody would bother me when i would read..when he became ill with depression- i think it was bipolar..they really didn't understand the illness like they do today...i am now diagnosed as bipolar so i know there is a genetic link......but i believe god sent me a message from heaven when 2 years after my dad had committed suicide my son aaron was born on my dad's birthday....I believe that the message was that no matter how tough things get, suicide is not the answer....I believe i have a lot to give, just as my father did....so will my son and I am going to be around to see it......


my life
"angel"
April 20, 2000


If someone is intent & has definitely made up teir minds to take their own life, NOTHING is going to stop them. People without these feelings see sunshine, blue skies & happiness; while we wander through black clouds, darkness, and pain. NO ONE can live like this for long. This is REAL LIFE, I'm talking about, not your perfect world where everything can be fixed by God or talk or shrinks with meds. Sometimes suicide is IT. Been there many times & am now teetering on the edge, but I have 2 wonderful sons to keep me living, because I know better days will come some day, but not everyone can see that. So just quit thinking you can save the world, because it just can't be done. Some of us are meant to go by our own hand...live with that fact. It cannot be changed. A person cannot grasp that concept unless you have stood in their shoes. And believe me, it's not a pretty view from there. If you're thinking of suicide, try to think of just one thing worth living for, but if that's impossible, may you go fast & painless.


All who wish to take their own lives!!!
Charlotte Locklear
April 19, 2000


Please give me the chance to change your minds!!!!!!!!Please e-mail me at poohbear29@gulftel.com.I really don't know how I ended up on this web page,but I believe it is a message from GOD,so please if you are thinking about taking your own life,drop me a line!!!!!


For all whom want ot take their own live
Charlotte Locklear
April 19, 2000


For all who will visit here and are going to be leaving us,please before you go,May i have the chance to change your minds with Love and Support from me and my Family!Please e-mail me at poohbear29@gulftel.com,This is a small favor I ask from you!!!!


Lisa LaManna
jam
April 17, 2000


A strong, beautiful woman who gave so much of herself, so selflessly. May you find peace.


Marty
Angi ("sis")
April 13, 2000


All my life you were there, to laugh and smile and call me sis. then one day you were gone... miss you marty...


Dear readers.
an angry man.
April 13, 2000


I always find it amusing when the non-suicidal tell the suicidal "Don't do it!" "Ask for help!" "Talk to someone!" etc., etc. These comments are very insulting, and pompous. There are overtones of arrogance, as if the person contemplating self-deliverance is some stupid child who hasn't given much thought to his, or her actions. How does it help to "talk to someone" if one is unemployed, broke, and without housing, for example? You people act as if all we need is a good lecture, a pat on the shoulder, and a good nights sleep. Then, to rub salt in our wounds, you assure us of your gods love, and that all we need to do is ask the invisible-man-in-the-sky for guidance and help. Well, as a recovered Catholic, I remember asking God for help numerous times in my life...God never responded. Isn't it interesting that your wonderful Lord will stand by, and do nothing as Jon-Benet Ramsey is raped, and murdered? You worship a god that watched as the Columbine massacre occurred, Your loving god KNEW years before it occurred that it would happen, and He did nothing. It's obvious to me your god is a myth, and keep in mind, your saviour, Jesus, committed suicide too. He knew he was going to die, and he concurred. He could have prevented His death, but he chose to die, yet he easily could have stopped the proceedings. 


all lives lost
a concerned reader
April 13, 2000


To all those out there contemplating suicide, please don't do it. Know matter how misersble you feel , there is a better solution. Get help. Find someone to talk to. This world is cold and harsh- I'll admit it. But ending your life is not going to help make things better. Get out there. Be happy you have the things you do. God loves all of us- including you. Please don't do it. 


Jenny
jenny Tavernier
April 13, 2000


In love of all !!!!


andrew
sister-in-law
April 12, 2000


It's been 15 days and I still the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing on my mind when I awake is a vision of you hanging yourself. I don't understand why and probably never will. We loved you with all our hearts and came to you everytime you called, but this time you didn't call. We have to keep telling ourselves that you didn't want help any longer, that if you had wanted help, you would have called. We still wonder if we called you enough or if we could have helped if we had seen you that day. Someday, perhaps we will find out the answers to all these questions, but until then, we love you dearly. Love Always, Your favorite sister-in-law


My lonely, lost, sad, and tired friends.
Terri
April 12, 2000


I think the only reason some of us are still here is that we found at least one person to listen and to "feel" our pain. We may have found that counselor, sibling, parent, friend, or even God, to help us cope. I see on the wall so many that are stuggleing to stay with us. I have PTSD/Bipolar/SAD/Agoraphobia, and I am Co-dependant. I have my own life story that has many times scared the Hell outta many Doctors/Case Workers/Crisis Lines. The reason I am here to post is that I am offering me. I am stetching out my hand...it's OK, grab on if the need it there. I open my heart and soul to those in need. If "they" are not helping and you feel worse after a session, please get in touch. Please let me tell you just how valueable you are to me. Although my pain and suffering is different from yours, I may just have a clue as to where you sit. I am not a professional, far from it. Take your meds, talk to your Doc. I am here as your friend. Our military people for the most part have no idea who the guy is in the trenches next to him is. They somehow are able to "feel" the brotherhood, and when it comes down to fire, they watch each others back. Stranger saveing and preserving anothers life in the name of our country. We have our own war to fight, and I am the friend in the trenches with you.I have non-stop suicidal ideations, but they are just that, IDEATIONS. They will not win over me and my fight is stronger every day, just because I woke up one more time. I Love Ya All!! Terri My Email is an offer for help, I listen well. :o) Knarrly1 67@aol.com


Bill Larsen
Terri
April 11, 2000


Thank you Bill. You were my brother, my best friend, and although no one knew before you took your friendship away from me, your suicide was not in vane. I know now the condition that you suffered from, I know, you were like our Grandmother, I have learned the symptoms and have seen over and over your darkness, not in you, but in your nephews. I know now, more about Daniels illness, although your death made him worse. I know more now about Jacobs illness, through your death I have learned the symptoms of my childrens disease. I will stay in contact with your children and pray that they never feel they have to end their lives to hide from depression. I tried to get you help and the system failed you. I could not make you want help, only try to guide you to it. I miss you terribly and I am thankful to you for opening my eyes to help my children to never feel they do not have a place to turn to. I vow to lobby for mental health and to always pray for help from God. I know you can not hear this, as you are not here anylonger. I know not to look for you in Heaven, but pray you are no longer in pain. I cherish our childhood memories, our talks, the stupid things we used to do, our dancing in the snow and especially our connection to each other, the one that told me something awful was going to happen to you. The connection that told me to call Mom and warn her, to call law enforcement to try to stop you, to call anyone who could help you save yourself. I am sorry I did not succeed in saving you. I love you now, and always. Your sister.


Tom, 13 Feb 1982
Sue
April 07, 2000


If anyone reading this is thinking of suicide, I beg you to ask for help. 


the soul and sprit of Jennifer E Tindall
Jennifer Tindall
April 06, 2000


My soul died along time ago and took my spirt with it. From this I gain inspreation in my greatest of deperssions. Im dead on the inside. AN empty shell of a humbeing forced to roam this earth in search of some kind of happiness and relife. Im hoping to reserect my soul and spirt and become one of the living but from now on im just one of the walking dead


Michael Moser 1963-1995
Terri
April 01, 2000


What a perfect future that will never be. I knew nothing about depression or suicide. Now, I know it all now. I am forever burdened with it. Did you know what would happen? Let me tell you how it went and is still going. We were the "Brady Bunch" minus one. You, me, Candace, Ashley, Christopher, Keaton, and Nicholas. You know, I haven't seen your half of the bunch since your funeral. Your Xwife took them from my arms that day, they begged me not to let her take them. Ashley was so worried about how I was doing, she just lost her Daddy and she was worried about me. Damn you! I heard your X tell them that they could see me anytime. Then she wrote a letter telling me that I would never see them again. I miss being happy and all of your voices. I lost the four of you that day. Christopher and Nicholas went to stay with my Mom. No-one ever thought that I could/would fall apart. I lost the house and the vehicles, 2 jobs, the pups (Jake and Bo), I couldn't give up your damn poodle (FiFi) she didn't need to be passed off to God knows who. You can thank her that I didn't follow your path. That darn poodle is all I have left. You should know that I still love you and hurt very much so. No-one has the right to leave another behind "by choice". It has been 5 years, I take over a dozen pills a day just to get through it. I now know what Bi-polar is not to mention PTSD/Agoraphobia/and addict-alcholic is. (Greatfully recovering) Strange...I don't remember ever drinking or doing drugs before you took your life away from me. If only you could feel the empty ache inside. I realize that it is never going to go away. Screw the story Mike......I have the one question that will always be unanswered....... If you had to do it all over again, would you take it back Mike? I know you never meant us any pain, but reguardless of who is left behind, they will hurt endlessly until they are reunited with you. All I ask is this. "God, please help to ease my pain so I can make it through one more day!" I have made it 1669 days without you, and pray to make it 1 day at a time until God brings me home! I love you Mike! Terri


In memory of Myself.
From a guy in his last weeks of life.
March 31, 2000


Thomas Walker
A friend
March 31, 2000


Just a lonely, lost soul who couldn't live with the dire circumstances of his life -- and chose suicide as a way out of despair. He didn't have many friends, for he'd committed acts that made him hated. Yet he was a human being, brilliant, but tragically flawed. A few did care about him -- I was one.


my dad
your #1 fan
March 30, 2000


Dad, If I could've be there for you, and not so wrapped up in my own world; would you still be here with us today? If we knew how serious you were, how much you were suffering; would you be here today to show my kids how special you were. If you could only see me and your son's great accomplishments; you'd be so proud. You knew that physically there was something wrong, something the doctors couldn't find....You were insulted that one thought you should see a pyschiatrist. If only maybe you had, you would still be here today. Did you ever know you were my hero? Mom has never been the same since you left us eight years ago. She still thinks if she didn't go to work that day you'd still be with us. 


Ernest P.
Cathy
March 30, 2000


CAN YOU HEAR ME? Gutteral Screams Compassed me all about Screams of Sadness, Rage and Remorse I stood there encased in my silent skin of horror "SHIFT!", feet unmoving eyes searching, heart roving to rhythmic cry’s, my body swaying to and fro my heart is saying, CAN YOU HEAR ME? My cry for help All the anguish my heart could tare As I looked into this father’s blank and unmoving stare Endless pools of heartache and rage Someone turn the other page What memories were stored in that sealed trunk in time In the far corners of his mind CAN YOU HEAR ME? Years of training Baseballs over the fence, and straining His son’s first awkward step, and raining First glint of understanding kept His feet from under, swept CAN YOU HEAR ME? If one could take away the suffer This, I could‘t buffer Unaware of any sound Around his son’s neck, a rope was bound He now hold’s his son with a noose around As he held his son from birth Hanging from a tree with all it’s girth CAN YOU HEAR ME? Over his shoulder, his son’s growing colder We held him together This man and I His son, a friend and neighbor We didn’t have ties CAN YOU HEAR ME? Now we are bound by the same rope We tried to grope We stood there together in a place in time Where there’s no rhythm no rhyme CAN YOU HEAR ME? "CUT THE ROPE!" CAN YOU HEAR ME? After having held up my friend along with his father till medical help arrived…after he’d hung himself back in 1990 – Yes I have felt anger and rage. He left behind a daughter, a wife, a mother, and yes the father Who held him on his shoulder, and a friend who will always remember... Sometimes I choose to dwell on more pleasant things, yet wearing memories As a second skin... To the memory of Ernest P. (you still live in our memories) (c)Cathy E. January 1998


Lee Whitfield
Snuggles
March 28, 2000


He will be missed...


Giuseppe Franchi
Diane Franchi
March 27, 2000


My grandfather Giuseppe took his life by hanging himself when he could no longer deal with a terrible skin disease. I tried to take my life 10 years ago by overdose but God wasnt ready for me and sent me back. I often wondered why he takes some and spares others and what am I still doing here? Well I think he wants me to help others and I realize my family needs me more then i thought they did. We all have a purpose in this world and are not allowed to return home until it is Gods will. So now instead of feeling stuck here I realize that I am here to help family and friends and others find their way back home to God.


Barbara Houston
her nephew, Ryan
March 24, 2000


I didn't really Know you all that well, or understand what you went through every day. I guess i was just too young to understand when you went away, to understand I was bipolar myself. Because of this I have been basically outcast from my father's side of the family, which has no history of mental problems, drugs, or crime. But I have grown closer to mom's and your side of the family, It is only you who I could understand, and only who you ever tried to understand me. I wish I had known you better, and that you were still here. But I know that wherever you are you are free,because you deserve to be. We all loved you so much, and I understand. 


Mike Petry
Lori(an old friend)
March 21, 2000


Mike, I didn't find out what happened right away. When I did I was so shocked, I had been trying to reach you, but could never get you. I will never forget you, I still have the ring you gave me. God be with you, and I hope to see you again someday.


ALL WHOM ESCAPED
VIVIAN RIVERA
March 21, 2000


I TOO ONCE CONTEMPLATED SEARCHED TO FIND PEACE WITHIN...... THEN I DISCOVERED LOVE FOR THYSELF THROUGH THE LOVE OF GOD I RECOGNIZED MY SELF DESTRUCTION AND CORRECTED EVERYTHING THAT WAS NOT TO MY LIKING AND TOSE THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL NEGATIVE TO ME.... I'VE LEARNED TO LET GO....... I HAVE CONTROL. THE REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR REMINDS ME TO THANK GOD FOR EVERY SECOND I LIVE......... I WOULD HAVE HATED BEING DEAD. AND NEVER KNOWING....... 


Randy Blevins
Vikkie
March 19, 2000


To all who are contemplating suicide - please understand the devastation which is wrought by that one, irrevocable, final "blink of the eye" decision. My brother chose such a path and has forever fractured the lives of his three (3) children, his wife, his brother, his two (2) sisters and brother-in-laws, numerous nephews, nieces, cousins and friends; all of whom can now do nothing but remain behind with the unbelieveable pain which his decision has caused. He was a wonderful, complex, talented, brilliant, exasperating and totally infuriating person, but we all loved him beyond belief. Before anyone else chooses such a path, I would hope they will stop for an instant - just an instant - and realize what this will do to their families and friends, I would beg of you to please just try and get past that one moment, which is so filled with pain and darkness that it obviously obliterates everything else from the person's mind. Please at least try and to call a friend or a loved one and TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO - GIVE THEM TO OPPORTUNITY TO HELP YOU WORK THROUGH THAT ONE MOMENT (AND PERHAPS OTHER MOMENTS TO COME) - THEY WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. It is so very unfair to not allow them that opportunity, believe me. I am Randy's older sister and, as such, believe I should have watched over him better, kept him safe. Now, because he couldn't bring himself to make that one phone call - I will forever have to hold that guilt in my heart and soul - right next to my deep and abiding love for my little brother - until I can see him once more and explain to him how deeply sorry I am that I failed him in the worst possible way and at a time he needed me most. I Love You Always "Wanny Wayne" - I can only pray you are no longer in such crippling, blinding pain - but then how could you be since I'm sure you're with Mom and Dad, as well as the angels making them all listen to Jackson Browne!!! 12/6/49 to 10/4/99. 


Grey
Mom
March 17, 2000


The tears I wept washed your face as I combed your hair, trying to work around all the life support hook ups. I talked to you of good times, of loved ones, of living to conquer this 'worst illness known to man.' I hid my pain, knowing that you had spent your life running from the fear of our family's genetic bipolar, little expecting to be hit so hard and with the added insult of the mutant suicide gene. You had watched me, in awe, many times...wondering why I did not end it all. It had nothing to do with anything; that gene just didn't activate for me. I watched you 3 times in these past 4 months and I learned to feel no guilt, and to give you the ownership of your decisions on life. You refused to live with a life of no quality. But, you fought even though you didn't want to..after the third time. You took your meds. You made no promises. You faxed resumes when you could barely get out of bed. You interviewed when you hadn't dressed for months. This week you started an executive level position. I don't know how. Bipolar is an enigma. The only promise you have made is that you will not fight it again. It took too much out of you. I can repect that....but I am beginning my assault on Mrs. Gore and her promises, the legislature, the entire mental health program because there is no where to turn!!! The frustration I went through NO ONE must ever go through again. In memory of your 3 violent attempts, and in the name of all bipolar victims, I VOW TO START A CLINIC THAT WILL ACCEPT PATIENTS FOR A 30 DAY STAY...THAT IS SAFE!!! and for biopolar patients only, no rehab. I love you Grey, this is in memory of your months in hell and a public promise to cause major reforms!!!


Tim Logan
Katherine
March 16, 2000


You were such a great friend, my best friend. You and I shared one of life's great tragadies together, Bipolar. I understand why you choose the path that you did. I have wanted to join you so many times, but you had always been so insistant that I didn't turn out like you. No one had ever understood like you. You always made sure I took my meds. I love you and miss you so much. I hope you are at peace now in Heaven. If only for a short while you were my Angel. I know now that it was your life to save mine. And now you stand watch over my emotions, fears and lonelyness. Please say hello to my family members up there, and thank God for me, for giving me his grace. Love Katherine 


Angie
Rob
March 15, 2000


My dear sweet Angie, Some people believe that suicide is a sin but I don't believe ours is a harsh god. It's easy to picture you in heaven. You looked like an angel when you were here on earth. I wish I had known you were bipolar. And I hope you know how sorry I am that I didn't come right away when you called. It's been two years almost to the day and I still live with that guilt. I just found out yesterday that I've been living with a mood disorder all my life too. Not bipolar but depressive. And to think all that time I thought I was just weak and selfish. Now I understand a little better what you went through. I had almost decided to join you but I held on. I know you had a demon and you were running from him but I must turn and fight mine. Therapy and medication will be my weapons. I know his name now and it's time to cast him out. You are still in my prayers, always in my heart.


A.J.
your sister in law
March 12, 2000


You were in such pain that you chose death over life. You took the one you loved the most with you. What happened to you was not fair but we all loved you and no own was going to turn thier backs on you the way you believed would happened. Some time I feel anger toward you but I know that the act you chose was the only way you could see out of the pain. I have the picture of you forever in my head of you and my beautiful sweet sister lying next to each other dead. Dead in the same marriage bed that brought 4 wonder children into the world. Maybe you had to die so I could develop more of a relationship with those children. We all miss both of you. 


A.J.
your sister in law
March 12, 2000


You were in such pain that you chose death over life. You took the one you loved the most with you. What happened to you was not fair but we all loved you and no own was going to turn thier backs on you the way you believed would happened. Some time I feel anger toward you but I know that the act you chose was the only way you could see out of the pain. I have the picture of you forever in my head of you and my beautiful sweet sister lying next to each other dead. Dead in the same marriage bed that brought 4 wonder children into the world. Maybe you had to die so I could develop more of a relationship with those children. We all miss both of you. 


Alyssa Mattews
Lesa Conway
March 12, 2000


Even though I hadn't known you all that long, I called you friend. I'm so saddened by your departure. I was so looking forward to knowing you better. I'm glad you no longer have to suffer the things you suffered here on Earth. I pray that you are touching the face of God. I wish you only had known how much a " stranger" cared, maybe it would have made a difference. Peace be with you my friend, until we meet again. I love You. Lesa.


Granpa Bill
Carrie
March 09, 2000


for you I would have smiled all the time// for you I always laughed and had my fun// but then as soon as you came you had gone// as quickly as the setting of a sun// - they said it was an accident, for sure// that you hadn't meant to saw off your head// I knew I couldn't see you anymore// I realized by your will you were dead// - there's not a day gone by that I don't cry// in memory of you beloved one// oh why, oh why did you have to die?// as quickly as the setting of a sun// -------- in memory of Grandpa Bill, if there is a heaven, ignoring this "sin" I am sure you are sitting there, finally at peace. May I not meet your fate, I hope you are watching me and still love me w/o the ability to move on.


Granpa Bill
Carrie
March 09, 2000


for you I would have smiled all the time for you I always laughed and had my fun but then as soon as you came you had gone as quickly as the setting of a sun - they said it was an accident, for sure that you hadn't meant to saw off your head I knew I couldn't see you anymore I realized by your will you were dead - there's not a day gone by that I don't cry in memory of you beloved one oh why, oh why did you have to die? as quickly as the setting of a sun -------- in memory of Grandpa Bill, if there is a heaven, ignoring this "sin" I am sure you are sitting there, finally at peace. May I not meet your fate, I hope you are watching me and still love me w/o the ability to move on.


me
me
March 09, 2000


please help me


Sue Ainsworth Hillgren
her daughter, Amy
March 09, 2000


1941-1988 Gone Too Soon Mom, The more I research bipolar disorder the more I can comprehend the pain you were in with this and your terminal heart condition. I am bipolar, too, but I think you knew that before anyone else, even me. I love you and it's so hard to live without you now that Daddy's gone, too. You gave me an incredible gift by believing in me, and you and Daddy gave me an unforgettable childhood. I'm going to San Diego for the weekend to try to let you and Daddy go and figure out how to live without you. You were a woman of Gracie Allen humor and Audrey Hepburn looks, of Gloria Steinem action and Emily Post sensibility. Of laughter and love. When I walk the beach at San Diego I will make a "something" in the sand like we used to do. I have no clue why God thinks I am grown up enough and mature enough to live here without parental guidance. But, as we used to say, I guess I'll take a whack at it. I love you and I always will. Until we meet again. Amy


Justin Mullen
A close friend who misses you!
March 05, 2000


I couldn't belive it! I was so sad! You made me even mad. What made you decide it was too much? You had so many friends. We all loved you! You missed the senior ball. I got my driver's license and I even survived a car accident. You missed it. I fell in love and consiquently got my heart broken, you missed that too. I'm graduating from college now. You would have liked the college years. The kids were alot nicer there. I wonder what you are doing now? Can you see me? Can you hear what's going on down here? I know you are happy by the side of God. Please save a spot for me, I'll be there sometime within the next 80 years.


my best friend,kit
star
March 03, 2000


I miss you dearly and wish that I could've done something more. I will always cherish our memories together. never forget your promise to always stay by my side.I love you so much. I wish you that you didn't have to leave my side.. please forgive me of my short comings and I thank you for helping me in my time of need. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here right now, either. I'll love you always and I can't wait until the next time we can be together.


betty jane ellsworth
brenda joyce goodwin
March 02, 2000


to my children and my sisters i know


All who have perished
A Teacher of Children with Bipolar Dis.
February 28, 2000


To all who have perished to the hands of suicide, I write this to thank you for the courage that you displayed as you lived your life behind happy facades. Please know that we love you all and you will never be alone with God on your side. To those who contemplate, know this, though we could never understand the pain and suffering you have endured, be strong, and know that the love of your families, friends, TEACHERS, and loved ones can carry you on. Please believe in us, we love you.


T. Chris Alderton-January 23, 2000
Curtis J. Alderton, brother
February 28, 2000


I miss you, my only sibling. A man of letters and much cheer. 44 years was not enough time to know you, to enjoy you, and to explore the incredible person you were - and I trust God, still are. Even though I am a theolgian, I am still not certain how all of the connections work in heaven. I believe that you are now part of that "great cloud of witnesses" to whom Scripture refers. If you have any pull, send some "all is now well" peace to mom & dad, your wife and children, and me - your little brother. Godspeed. I loved you and love you still - so much - my "right Jerusalem sword." (CS LEWIS) Curtis Jay


Brandon Douglas Mollendor
Mandi and Allie
February 24, 2000


1980 - 1999 brandon was 19 almost 20 he had only 4 more months left of college he was very good at football (he got so many record I can't remember them all)a one of the sweetest caring guys you would have ever known. Sorry you had to go so soon, your family and hundreds of other people miss you SO deeply. You were the nicest guy I don't know why you thought that you needed to stay with Ashly, all she did was use you for a back up boyfriend, did you not see that. As far as everyone who knew you, knows that she is the one how drove you to it. She didn't stop you or even take the gun away, she just said go ahead and do it know one cares. She was wrong, she was the only one who didn't care Everyone else did expecially your mother Deb M. I know you were looking down on her and I know you still do but the way she fell to her knees when they told her you had died, the tears that would not stop, all the memories will have to do since she will not get to see you again until it is her time to go. Your Father Douglas M. The day you died I didn't see him shead a tear for he had to be strong for the rest of your HUGE family, he thought that he needed to be tough, little did he know it would not last long, moments later he shead those horrible tears that made him realize that he had lost his first born son. Brent M. He was just the opposite of you always fighting a getting mad, sticking with his girlfriend for longer then a week. He will never be the same again now he is always mad even if he doesn't look like it for he lost is Big bro as they called you. I know he blames himself cause he wasen't there that weekend he should have stayed but something told him to go. Your youngest Brother Michael M. my boyfriend I don't know exactly how everone else feels but I do know how he does feel. He remembers when you and brent use to beat up on him. He remembers the way you looked when they found your once handsom body laying in a pool of red blood. that is the image that will never leave him. he is the one that looked up to you most he acts just like you. the way you dress, the way you act, even the way you looked. He wants and always wanted to be like his big bro. we all love you very much more then you would have ever know. I am so sorry that you put your family through this horrible never ending pain. I wish I could bring you back to make their pain go away but I know I can't do that your the one who had to live with your pain. I think all you needed to do is get rid of that dumbA-- B----! and get so medical attention. and you could still be here with us. but for some reason you stayed with her, some day we will all find out what really happend that painful night, and what you were thinking. Someday. Someday far from now we will get to see you again. WE LOVE YOU BRANDON AND WE ALWAYS HAVE I AM SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY.


Douglas Marshall Jackson 1981-2000
your loving mother
February 24, 2000


To my sweet and dear son, I am so sorry that life and the people you were around (in the United States Navy) did not meet to your expectations. I am so proud of how you lived your life drug free and a child of God. You had many friends here in your home town who always spoke of the gentleness of your nature. Your brother Joel and a Sister Samantha Anne who loved you dearly and will always love you. I will always hold you tightly in my heart and soul as our Heavenly Father Holds you in his arms. Love also from Grams and Gramps and Aunt Susan. I love you and I am proud of you son and always will be. Love MOM


donna10/13/93,jim10/29/93,annie3/7/94
margie
February 23, 2000


i miss you all,all 3 of you,but the sadness,guilt has gone,i wish you all would have reached out to someone,anyone.........i place no blame,my heart cant hold blame,and i realize you are all now my angels,watching me,my kids survive....and that is my main goal,to see my kids grow,overcome depression,accept help..reach out....and move onward.and for them to watch me overcome the losses become stronger,healthier,happier.....for me,for them. loved and missed by all


Kenny
Cari
February 23, 2000


My dearest, I miss you more than you could know. I will always love you...always. Kisses from me and wet willies from Chelsea. Love to Pap and Grandad. 


Kevin Keelin
Karen
February 22, 2000


I miss you so much and I wish you were her with me now. 1973-1992 may you shine in the stars now.


Kevin Keelin
Karen
February 22, 2000


I miss you so much and I wish you were her with me now. 1973-1992 may you shine in the stars now.


Kevin Keelin
Karen Ladd
February 22, 2000


I miss you so much and I wish you were her with me now. 1973-1992 may you shine in the stars now.


Tara Marie McGrath
Stephanie
February 21, 2000


Tara was everyone's friend when we were in school. She put on a facade when everyone was around. When in the dorm with her, she would exhibit the signs of something being wrong. After we graduated, she excelled well in college until she went downhill. Then a year or two later, she took her life. I guess it had gotten so bad that having peace was the main priority. I don't believe that many think of her since it has been so long, but after battling my illness here recently, she has come to mind. I now know how she felt. I pray that she is at peace in Heaven and is in the loving arms of her mother who took her own life when she was just a child. She was a beautiful person, but she did not have the help she needed due to the stigma of having an illness. I never got to say good bye but I hope now she knows that I understand and could not blame her for what she did.


Soundra Louise Reed Spaulding
Her daughters Kim and Rose
February 21, 2000


Mom we miss you now more than ever, we are not angry, just wish you were here with us.


ALL WHO HAVE DIED
Garith
February 20, 2000


I cry so much as i read these words of pain and sorrow. I have felt lost... alone... afraid, and I too have felt like no one else in the whole world could understand just how much I hurt inside at times, and even worse... that no one really cared. I have thought before about stopping the pain by ending my life... but I have always hung on to something... I guess cause I don't really want to die. I don't think I am bipolar, but have suffered from being just another lost kid in this crazy world of ours. I don't feel so bad as i used to, but I can still feel the pain of those who have felt so depressed... and of those who miss the ones they love who finally gave up and made the decision to leave it all behind. I have tried to find peace inside myself, and i have tried to let God help me feel better in the past, but nothing seemed to help when i was so down. The only thing that ever made me feel better is when i used what ever love i had inside of me to reach out to others. some how, by loving someone else, I felt better myself. I found a poem that made since to me, and i share it with everyone now, cause if it can help me, then i hope it will help someone else who is hurting like I did. I sought my soul, but my soul eluded me... i sought my God, but my God i could not see... i sought my brother... and i found all three. I hope this will help someone... anyone... and give a reason for not giving up. I believe in love. I know it can help, even if it doesn't cure the problems. We all need love, and love is the one PURPOSE that has always kept me hanging on. Please know that no matter if you have lost someone that you love, or if you are loosing yourself from the pain of depression, I do love you. I know this cause i care enough to cry over you. Please hold on. ~ LOVE RULES ~


My Dad, Louis Wendt
Susan
February 19, 2000


Its hard to believe that this July will be 10 years. I remember July 27 1990 like it was yesterday. I was so mad at everyone for continuing to live their life. How dare they!! You were gone. The world should have stopped that day to morn you too. I regret not saying I LOVE YOU as much as I should have. I regret not seeing you more. We had plans to build a new fish box. We talked on Thursday night and you told me you'd see me Saturday. Friday morning at 6:30am, mom calls and says your gone. Does anyone realize how hard, sad, upsetting, devistating, aweful, horrible, sickening, crushing, and just totally devistating it is to see the remains of your father on the wall? This man who protected me from the world, now I couldn't do a damn thing! God I miss you so much! What I wouldn't give to hear your voice just one more time. I don't think that you realized just how much you hurt your son and his family and me.I don't think that you thought about that. Just a way to get away from your own problems. Tom told me to write down my feelings 10 years ago about the suicide and I still have that envelope today. I want to read it again, but I promised myself that if I ever did, I would burn the pages. I don't want to loose you again. I know Im being selfish about this. You are much better off than I am. I love you and I will see you again. I can't wait for that day when we'll all be together again. Say HI to Mary Jo. I miss you!!!


My Dad, Louis Wendt
Susan
February 19, 2000


Its hard to believe that this July will be 10 years. I remember July 27 1990 like it was yesterday. I was so mad at everyone for continuing to live their life. How dare they!! You were gone. The world should have stopped that day to morn you too. I regret not saying I LOVE YOU as much as I should have. I regret not seeing you more. We had plans to build a new fish box. We talked on Thursday night and you told me you'd see me Saturday. Friday morning at 6:30am, mom calls and says your gone. Does anyone realize how hard, sad, upsetting, devistating, aweful, horrible, sickening, crushing, and just totally devistating it is to see the remains of your father on the wall? This man who protected me from the world, not I couldn't do a damn thing! God I miss you so much! What I wouldn't give to hear your voice just one more time. I don't think that you realized just how much you hurt your son and his family and me.I don't think that you thought about that. Just a way to get away from your own problems. Tom told me to write down my feelings 10 years ago about the suicide and I still have that envelop today. I want to read it again, but I promised myself that if I ever did, I would burn the pages. I don't want to loose you again. I know Im being selfish about this. You are much better off than I am. I love you and I will see you again. I can't wait for that day when we'll all be together again. Say HI to Mary Jo. God I miss you!!!


David Scott Smith
Anne Marie , Kate, Matt & Alex Smith
February 18, 2000


to a dignified, educated, caring, intelligent, kind, sophisticated and loving soul...whom humanity, science, insurance, society and legislators failed...IT IS OUR LOSS...WE MISS YOU...


Billy Ray Chase
Katrina Gurley-Chase
February 15, 2000


Over two years has passed and I still miss you so much. I still can't believe you are gone. I love you so very much, until we are togetheir again.


Pete Clark
Lisa Harris
February 14, 2000


In memory of a wonderful friend. I will miss not celebrating our birthdays together this year. I will miss your humor and your encouragement. I will miss you often. But I know you are with your Lord and Savior and it fills me with relief to know that your pain and suffering have ended. You will be missed by so many, but we will one day meet again for eternity and oh what a day of rejoicing that will be. Rest easy my dear friend.


Peter Roddick
Rod Guthrie
February 14, 2000


graduated from baptist training and soon took his own life, like is uncle before him, and like his cousin, son of a bipolar dad, tried along side of him, and we wonder if bipolar disorder runs in families (been jogging in ours).


Peter Roddick
Rod Guthrie
February 14, 2000


graduated from baptist training and soon took his own life, like is uncle before him, and like his cousin tried along side of him.


Danny L. Dodge
alycia
February 14, 2000


I am dedicating this to one of the greatest men i ever knew. I am leaving this in memory of Danny (dad) we both had bipolar and we were fighting together. You left me. WHY? I did everything i could to keep you here that late cold dreary night everyone waiting for the call that you were dead and fina;;y at 11:30 p.m we found you. But it was to late i remember it all so clear like it was yesturday but it was really a little over a year ago. Never said goodbye no hugs not i love you. i miss you so much and that night my body was numb i couldn't move and couldn't sleep then the wake after you shooting yourself we had to look at you i wanted to jump in with you and me screaming and crying right there i couldn't even look at you and dad was crying to. you'll were best freinds and you didn't say a thing to him you know that time i was found almost gone well you promised me we would do it together if we did it so what the hell happend. i am still so mad i try not to be but i do feel you at night around me watching me sleep. you had an wonderful grandson. but i am gonna try and let you rest right here today. but i love you so much and miss you even though i don't stop crying i will let you go and go on. bye until i get there wait for me please won't be long ok i love you.


Marsha Gunder Schneider
Debra Bright
February 14, 2000


A beautiful and talented person that left two beautiful children and a husband that loves her very much. If only she could have found successful treatment. Marsha G. Schneider was a songwriter, a writer, a teacher, a mother, and a wife. I had the pleasure of staying with her family, they were the most kind and wonderful people that you could meet. Marsha was an amazing woman and missed by many.


Marsha Gunder Schneider
Debra Bright
February 14, 2000


A beautiful and talented person that left two beautiful children and a husband that loves her very much. If only she could have found successful treatment. Marsha G. Schneider was a songwriter, a writer, a teacher, a mother, and a wife. I had the pleasure of staying with her family, the were the most kind and wonderful people that you could meet. Marsha was an amazing woman and missed by many.


Marsha Gunder Schneider
Debra Bright
February 14, 2000


A beautiful person that left a wonderful family.


Jerry Dean Roberson
Carrie
February 10, 2000


It's been almost 4 years and I still miss you as much as I did the day you took your life. I just wanted you to know that I'm still thinking of you, although I have learned to get on with my life...I wish you could have learned to get on with yours, as well. I have learned to cope with my losses. I will survive. I am not near as angry as I once was. They say time heals all wounds. I wonder how much time it will take until it is completely healed? I still cry, but I now cry not so much for what was lost, but for what will never be. I know that you did what you felt you had to do and I forgive you for that finally. All my love.


CONTEMPLATING
MYSELF
February 09, 2000


I'm not sure if this is in honor of a path not taken or a peak of the road ahead. As the years go by, my thoughts of suicide come much more easily. I am much more tired than I was just months ago. There seems to be noone out there who understands. Each visit to the psychiatrist brings yet another medicine to take. Yet, people say my life is good. Why can't I be happy? More and more, suicide is the road which lies ahead. 


~Jason Wade Batt~
Desiree'(once loved by you)
February 04, 2000


Here it is almost five months to the day that you were found hanging in your apartment. Leaving behind two beautiful children. Destiney Renee' who just turned 1 five days before you did this and Jaedon Wade who is now 5 years old and will have wonderful memories of his daddy. OH WHY JASON?? I almost attempted suicide a month after you succeeded and if not for my children Dalton and Destiney, I would have succeeded just as you did. But then i thought Destiney would be an orphan with both parents deceased. How can I do that? I get so mad at you sometimes and I scream and cry in anger and sadness and I miss you so much and want to know HOW YOU COULD LEAVE BEHIND YOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN and so many friends and family that love yoU???? I will not let you die in vain...sweet Jason. I am getting actively involved in SUICIDE PREVENTION and AWARENESS because of you...I hope that at least one person can be saved. My sweet Jason may you rest now and have no more pain. I know that you are watching down over Destiney and Jaedon. I feel your presence SO MANY times right beside me and in teh same rooms with me. I will always love you and miss you. Your daughter will know what a wonderful man you were! REST NOW MY SWEET JASON :)


Ernie Pridemore
Rachel
February 01, 2000


Ernie we miss you so much,You were a wonderful friend to Bill and I and we will always watch out for your family and help them any way we can. We Love you Rachel and Bill Peterson


schuyler
castor
January 27, 2000


They say third time's a charm. I'm glad they're wrong. But maybe I might not be so lucky next time. I've almost lost you thrice; if you dare leave, just say goodbye to me first. Finding you those other times almost killed me with guilt. I'll always love you. You haven't failed anyone, I promise.


michael Fischel
Shannon Lafferty
January 26, 2000


As soon as I was diagnosed I understood completly, but I still miss you very much. I wish you were here so that we could support each other. I love you, and will see you agian !


Nick T
Tricia K
January 26, 2000


Nick, I never knew you, but through your mother's writings, I have not only gotten to know you a bit, but to care deeply for you and your mom. You see, you and my son both had/have bipolar and I have my son, your mom does not. God, she misses you so. I hurt for her, for I got to know her love toward you when she wrote about you. You and my son are so much a like. Perhaps this is why I think of you and your mom so much. Sometimes I would like to just reach out and tell your mom I understand, but you know Nick, I don't. Not all of it. I only understand how much she loved you, still loves you and how it kills her not to have you HERE. I never want to understand what she lives with now, but sometimes I fear our destiny's will be the same. I pray not. Its not just your mom, but all the people listed here who have poured their hearts/souls out to those who left before them. I will continue to advocate and push for research in bipolar, so my son will live, and his children someday will NOT have to go through what you did or what my child lives with. I know you were everything to your mom, because my son is everything to me. If you could do anything, please reach out and touch your mom, hold her hand like you used too, talk to her like you once did, she needs you still. And most of all, make her laugh. She could use a Nicky joke now.


michel borodenko
susan browning
January 24, 2000


God bless him in heaven miss you mike love susan 


myself
catherine
January 20, 2000


i write this while my husband sleeps. my five dogs by my feet. i hide the pain so well at times, i think it will be a big shock when i finally go. the pain will then be over. sleeping all day will be a thing of the past. i wonder who will do his laundry. he hates to do laundry. will he marry again? will she love my dogs as much as i do? Neuman won't accept her, he is to dedicated to me. What will he tell the neighbors? Will it be difficult to face my father? maybe i should just wait till my father dies. will i go to hell? Sister Francis Claire always said that people who commit suicide go to hell. But, did she know about bi polar disorder when she said it? Who will send John Brienza his annual Christmas card? Will he miss those homemade cards? When will i get the courage? and how will i do it? I wonder? ....I write this as my husband sleeps... 


myself
catherine
January 20, 2000


i write this while my husband sleeps. my five dogs by my feet. i hide the pain so well at times, i think it will be a big shock when i finally go. the pain will then be over. sleeping all day will be a thing of the past. i wonder who will do his laundry. he hates to do laundry. will he marry again? will she love my dogs as much as i do? Neuman won't accept her, he is to dedicated to me. What will he tell the neighbors? Will it be difficult to face my father? maybe i should just wait till my father dies. will i go to hell? Sister Francis Claire always said that people who commit suicide go to hell. But, did she know about bi polar disorder when she said it? Who will send John Brienza his annual Christmas card? Will he miss those homemade cards? When will i get the courage? and how will i do it? I wonder? ....I write this as my husband sleeps... 


the brave
antoine
January 16, 2000


Suicide would provide an end to the misery, an escape from this torture called life. I have attempted with vain to end this excuse for a life. To call it quits to the pain and agony. Nobody cares and those who were brave enough, unlike myself who is nothing but a coward, seeking the courage to end it all. I commend your bravery, and you have found it within yourselves to admit to your own incompetence. I wish i could find that courage. I am nothing but a good for nothing ugly fuck up but i nonetheless cant find it in this revolting demeaning degrading disgusting heart to take a gun and blow away the misery called a brain, that knows nothing except how to be inappropriate, inefficient, and damn well demanding of release from this torture. For those people grieving over your so called loved ones, you should be happy that they have found a release from this torture. That they dont have to go on living every day of thier lives hoping it to be thier last. That they can rest in peace, without thier beain hurting, without the pain of knowing one's own skill is never good enough to compare to that of the normal civilized human. TO be capable of handling the daily routine of boredom and daily existence. TO further destroy the chaos surrounding the firewall of pain with symphony. You should be relieved they found it within themselves to end the pain. Now they can rest in peace without having to suffer another day of this abbyssian hell. This place called earth, where out of 6 billion humans not even a quarter can fend for themselves malnourished. While others in a spoiled and uncivilized rich nation crave death and are deprived of the essentials called love. You know nothing, the pain you feel for the death of your so called loved one you couldn't save is nothing compared to what we feel. Dont ever tell us to take medication. You wouldn't want to be taken in a straight jacket with lacking sense of color fashion and locked in a barricade of deceit and greed by a government prefering to lock us away. Just throw away the key and condemn our lacking souls to forgetting. You ask why they suicided, dont ask why, where the hell were you? You were nowhere but to tending to your pathetic uneventful life, shopping away at groceries while they gropped a blade or gun. demanding release from endless perpeptual torture governed from an over active imagination. So why dont you take you grievance and remember that the reason they died is because of some pathetic mental illeness, and it has nothing to do with you. You couldn't have helped them, they were doomed from birth. and instead of grieving you should come upon the non so startling realization, that for some SUICIDE IS THE BEST OPTION now if only i could finaly find the courage within me this fortnight


casey
jamie
January 15, 2000


I'm sorry I failed you. 


Denslo Weir
Cindy
January 08, 2000


Now I understand. We'll talk more later. Say hi to Grandma and Grandpa.


James William Swain Jr.
Jade Sanceri
January 01, 2000


Life is nothing with out you and my children, I will Love You always and forever, James


Michelle
Michelle
December 30, 1999


Just reflecting on how I could be here and really be dead. I tried to commit suicide three times and luckily didn't succeed. I have so much to live for now. I realize how many people love me and remember how much I love life. Please don't ever let yourself for get how good life can be.


Deb Carlson
Deb Carlson
December 30, 1999


As I read through the list of the others on the wall, I deeply feel their pain, for their pain is my pain. I have tried and tried to find other ways to stop the pain, but I am finding that my brain overwhelms me and forces out any positive thoughts. I cannot think of the pain of family or friends from my untimely death. I can only think of the great relief I will know when the pain is no more. Please understand and do not judge me harshly. 


My cousin Jim
Dedra L. Anderson
December 27, 1999


I knew your pain because of my own, I just didn't know that had I been there I might have been able to help. I may have been able to talk you into getting meds for it. I finally got help and it has made such a difference. I think I feel NORMAL now and it is so sweet to know what NORMAL is. I know our family didn't understand there was far too much macho in it, a man isn't a man if he's too sensitive and that you were dear Jim... I often thought before going on Parnate that I was too gentle for this world and I think you felt that way too. Rest in peace sweet gentle Jim in God's arms. 


Skyler "Sky" Thomas
Regan
December 22, 1999


I know you coouldn't have helped it. I saw your anger. I felt your misery. If Ihad known you wouldn't be with me now, by my side, I would've traded places. I told you not to mix those two at once. I told you not to take both at the same time. Why? Why? Why? You were my best friend in the whole world, and you have no idea how much you taught me. I saw your body. I'm the one that found you. The rope was hurting your neck. I was trying to lift you up but i couldn't. I couldn't save you, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. I tried to join you about 4 years ago, but obviously it didn't work. You told me you would never leave. I didn't get to say goodbye. I miss you. I love you, Skyler. I will see you very soon, where ever it may be. Your darkness covers me with your pain. And I shall forever suffer --in your love, Regan


Rachel
Kelli
December 21, 1999


I talked to you before you left- not completely understanding that within two years I would come within two hours of the same fate 


Nick Traina
Lost In a Migraine
December 21, 1999


Nickster, i'm having trouble holding on, i look at your life and at your death. If only I had Julie here with me now. My head is spinning, nothing makes sense and everything hurts. I laugh, I smile but each smile cracks my skull into a thousand pieces. Miserable is easy, this is beyond the depth of the darkest corner of the most evil universe. I feel the weight of being pulled down no matter how hard I hold on, the tears start and i wrinkle my nose to stop them, they go inward and I cry a thousand rivers that ravage my soul like a flood. I'm on a speeding train of a million tons without brakes.



Robert Steven Glab (My big brother)
Rebecca Solo Angel
December 10, 1999


I know that you are out of your pain and in the arms of ANGELS and I know that you are watching out for me as you always did. I feel your and MICHAELS presence around me protecting me always. I wish I could have helped you more while you were here but I know that now that you are with GOD you know that I always loved you and forgive you and that you can forgive me as well,oh my big brother I'm so so sorry for all pain and suffering you went through and so wish I could have helped you. I must remember that you are truely free now and waiting for me in Heaven. I love you. ALWAYS WITH YOU ALWAYS WITH ME. Your sister..SOLO ANGEL


Trevor Gray
Peter Hopkins
December 10, 1999


We had friendship, I let it go, I am sorry you took your life, but I know you are ok now. I don't even know when you died but I shall always think of you and pray I will meet you again. I love you mate, Peter 


Mike Stevenson
Rebecca
December 09, 1999


I wish I could tell you at this moment that I understand what you did and when I spoke at your funeral I tried to get everyone else to as well. I wanted no one to say you were going to hell. I wanted no one to say you took the easy way out. I wanted no one to say that you were selfish. I am sure some of them said that anyway. I just had to try. Most people have no problem when someone ends their live because they were in intense physical pain. However, if you ask someone which they think is worse they usually say emotional over physical. I don't understand how they can say that and then damn people who committed suicide. I know how you felt. I am feeling that way now. I loved you with all my heart and I am sorry I was not there more. I sometimes wonder if you would have done it if I had been home when you called. Please believe me when I say I don't blame you. You were so concerned about that in your note. I just hope that if I ever do it that no one blames me. 


Alex
Alex
December 06, 1999


So many people take their lives everyday. I might have been one of them, if my stepsister hadn't made me tell my parents what I had done. It's a scary world out there, but, there is help for you. being in the hospital on suicide watch, with about 20 tubes coming out of my body, including one to pump my stomach was so scary, I vowed never to try that again. Please, don't become a statistic, if you feel you need help, there are places you can go, and please do. Alex 


RONALD ERIK MURPHY
GAIL, "Daddy's Little Girl"
December 03, 1999


Daddy, I love you and I miss you so much! I understand the the reason you took your life, Depression, I deal with it every day. All I can think about is being with you and LEE, life is so cruel and vicious. The only thing that keeps me here are my two children, I don't want to hurt them the way I hurt from losing you. My heart is so broken, my scars are so deep, Daddy, will I survive? I don't know if I am strong enough. Daddy, Lee help me! Lost Child...by Gail Ann Hull... Lost child, suffers in pain. Cries out in darkness, alone again. Praying for freedom from a broken heart. Sorrow grows deeper as more tears start. Dreaming of love to ease the pain. Suffers in silence, alone again. WE are all the lost child when it is suicide. I Love You Daddy and I always will! 


Frank Crabtree
Dan Crabtree
December 01, 1999


Dad, I was so young when you left me. I still wonder if I could have done more to help you. I didn't understand. Now that I'm older I understand why you could no longer stand the pain. Why you sought the only way out. I to have thought about leaving, but still I wonder could I have done more?


Katrice Gillens
Katrice Gillens
November 28, 1999


I have read so many memorials placed on this wall. My mother has been a sufferer of bipolar disorder for 25 years. She has been hospitalized several times and will be on medication for the rest of her life. It saddened me that so many people did not see a way out or feel as if they can't see the way clear. I am in school to be a counselor because of my mother's illness. People aren't crazy, they just have a deadly disease; but there is help. If you need an ear to listen or someone to scream at, please email me. I love you all and want you to know that there is a way out. Love, Katrice


Sue's brother
L. B.
November 26, 1999


I never knew you. I only heard of you. Your sister spoke of you. For whatever reason you left her. I only hope that you help her now that you sit with God. She needs you more now than you ever knew. I don't know what more to say.


Joel
Denise
November 20, 1999


My little brown eyed, curly headed angel...i will always love you 


Arthur Luther Pace Jr.
your princess
November 18, 1999


To my dearest father may your precious soul rest in eternal peace. to my best friend whom i miss more than life itself. i wish sometime i could turn back the hand of time just capture and take every moment that we shared and hold in my right hand, but instead i hold your eternal love in my heart and pray that i will always have peace in my heart to know that you are no longer in pain. but at the same time my heart hurts when i experience life without you here to see me become the lady you always taught me to be no matter what. i guess you are watching me from a greater view and frown and smile all at the same time, picking me up when i fall and holding me up when i stand tall. i lov and miss you dearly and i will teach my little sister every thing you taught me so she can make daddy proud!!!!!!!!!!


Randolph Alt
Kristine
November 18, 1999


Too much for too long


Frank Robinson
Sandy
November 18, 1999


Frank... if I were to gather all the sadness that has arisen since your death, it would seem endless. Maybe, though, all of us who so deeply mourn your death, we didn't know the particular brand of loss you felt inside. So many times, Frank, I have thought again of you and a piercing sadness comes to me - that you're dead.... Frank, you were just practically a kid - just starting your 30's... Please stay, in Spirit, with those whose lives you touched. I want to see you again, someday, Frank, and so do so many others!


my dad's father
an unknown granddaughter
November 18, 1999


You never met me (or even knew that I would exist) but your son's love for his children was so very profound. You suffered from alcoholism; so did your son. You must have also suffered from depression - so did he. Your death by suicide may have prompts your youngest son to die also by suicide. Oh what a sad legacy that is left, from a family that HAS produced such good and caring people! I would hope that your descendants will be better able to cope with their depression ... you, and your son, my dad, had some very hard times.


my dad
his daughter, Sandy
November 18, 1999


Dear Dad, I never got to say goodbye... Do you know I dream about you even now, 23 years later? You were the one I felt close to; Dad, I LOVED you! In the years since your death, science has learned a lot (and so have I) - you and I both deal with clinical depression - but now it can be medically treated (or so they say). I never knew the pain of suicide .... how it never ends .... until you died, Dad. But I know, too, that when one feels so very down, it is almost impossible to consider the feelings of those around as a way to stop from being suicidal. Dad, there are times (when I approach the age you were when you died) ... there are times when I wonder how you lived that long. To have such deep depression and feel such self-loathing and find no real support .... Dad .... it must have been incredibly painful. Please know, dad, that from the bottom of my heart and soul .... through all of me.... you were loved, you ARE still loved - you can NEVER be forgotten. You live in my heart forever!


Zack and Mrs.Karen
Taryn
November 14, 1999


In Memory of My "other" mom Mrs.Karen and Zack. To Zack: sorry i may not had always been the nicest.. Sorry we weren't better friends..Love Ya'll!


Kim Peine
Ron
November 13, 1999


Kim,The only thing that brings me any sort of peace is for me to continue my commitment to you. Since that day I have spent most of my time searching for an answer why. I doubt that I'll ever get that answer so all I can do is hope that maybe somebody will read this and decide not to take their life but instead try to educate their loved ones and friends of the effects of bi-polar. Had I spent the time trying to understand what you were going thru before that day, I would have made sure that someone was always at your side. All thats left to do know is to attempt to make people aware of this disease and the need for research to somehow put an end to this needless pain. I will never be Loved by anyone as much as I was by you and you will always have my heart. I now can look forward to the day that I must leave to join you and I know that you will be easy to find. I'll just go in the direction of the brightest light for I know that that will be your wonderful smile. Forever yours Ron 


All the ones left behind
Christine Rivera
November 10, 1999


I am writing here in memory of the ones that get left behind. I am bipolar and during my depths of depression have attempted to kill myself but by some miracle that is beyond my comprehension I am still here today. I assure you from where I sit that the ones that left you had no idea of the pain that would be left behind and were truly in great pain to come to that end. I do hate that I am begining to be able to count the number of people that I know that were not as fortunate as me to still be here. We all need love, unconditional and never ending.


Josh
your friend
November 07, 1999


I never got a chance to know you very well, that I regret. Thank you for watching over me and everyone else you left behind. I will never forget you. I love and miss you, but I know we will be together again, someday. Until then, PEACE.


SGT Gage
Tammy McKinney
November 07, 1999


Only knew you for a short time and yet your memory sticks with me. I almost went through those doors with you and wish you could have survived with me. I wish you could have seen there was hope. God bless everyone!


Joshua
Rachel
November 05, 1999


What you don't have, can never be lost. I would rather have loved and lost than to never love at all. I lost my best friend. There isn't much to do now. Keep on to your best friends and hold everyone dear to you. Tell them you love them. To Josh, You would have just turned 21 a few weeks ago. I miss you so damn much. It is hard to live without you, but I believe you are giving me the strength to go on. You are here with me in spirit. I will love you forever. Sincerely, Your best friend and girlfriend, Rachel Died 3-9-98


All I held dear to me
Karen
November 01, 1999


To: Debra-who hung herself in a last ditch attempt to get some love. Skip-who hung himself in his struggle with alcohol. Wally-who shot himself because he could no longer face a day To my cousin-who hung himself from his loneliness and desperation. Bob-who hung himself, for he could see no other solution I want you all to know I understand your pain, I struggle with it everyday. I understand why you did what you did, I want to do it too. I want you to know I love each of you and am sorry I could not help. I never knew, just how bad it was, until now.


Barbara Kay Barber
Peggy her sister
October 29, 1999


My sister had spent her whole life trying to be reassured of everyones love. She never felt worthy enough and would come across as being bold and gruff to cover her insecurities. She became an alcoholic and obese and spent most of her life trying to fight or hide both. She lost a son, Shawn, at the age of 6 weeks. Another son Ricky, (I called him Johnny) at the age of 17. At the time of Johnnys death she became estranged from our mother. My mother had lung cancer and did not want Barb caring for her and wanted me. I was more easily controlled. There fore it suited her needs to never repair relations with Barb. Right up to the day she died she refused to see Barb. She died in June of 91 and then our "father" (step father) died in July of 94 due to Esophagial Cancer. Relations between Barb and I became strained during the closing of the estate. Nothing I did to appease her would stop her anger and finally we ended up not talking. In June of 95 when I went back to our home town I found out that our biological father had died. He died in Nov of 86. It all became to much for Barb to endure. She could handle the pain no more and in Nov of 95 she took her own life. The pain as I try to face all of this with out her is unbearable. We could have had so many good years together as sisters in our old age. She was 50 when she took her life. Now I am all alone. I have a family but none of them can share what we had together as sisters. I loved her so much. We went through years of abuse, mental, physical, and sexual, together. We were left with our grand parents many times and always had each other. Now we don't. 


Tommy Boyce
Jill Smith
October 25, 1999


On November 23rd, 1994, Tommy took his own life. He was a kind and wonderful man. The world lost a gentle soul that day. I believe that as his widow said "He was tired of being tired." He was on phenobarbital after he suffered a stroke and an anuerysm. They had two memorial services for him, one in Tennesee and one in Malibu, Ca. I met his neice, Alana Kelly that day. My voice cracked as I told her" Your uncle WAS one of the nicest men I have ever known". I wrote a story about Tommy, the man I knew for a short time. I think of Tommy alot especially in September (his BD) and around Thanksgiving. I miss his jokes, his voice and him being here. Thank God for Mr. Tommy Boyce "Love Still Abides"


Bertram Fink
A friend
October 20, 1999


I do not know the day you died.I was so shocked I never cried. I only know we miss you still,we always did,we always will. You are in our hearts forever Bert.Your beautiful ceramics are your legacy to us. Affectionately, Brooke


Jamie Grist
Shannon Grist Crow
October 20, 1999


On June 9th,1991 you left a family in deep despare.I understand because there was a time, and occasionaly still is, when I wanted to do the same thing. Please know this we love you still and always will.


Duncan Copper
Allen Taylor
October 18, 1999


To my Brother. It has now been 1 year today, Why you did such a crazy thing is still a mystery, but i know that god is taking care of you, in your new world. No-one will take my memories from me. The pain is still unbearable, but i am sure that it will will ease with time. Lots of love Allen


Debbie
Barb, her sister
October 15, 1999


Debbie, it has been 15 years since you took your own life. I miss you so much and I love you so much. The pain never goes away, it is only covered with a scar to lessen the rawness underneath. I thank God for helping to take the pain and quilt away. I know there was no way for me to prevent what you did, I know your depression was deep, I now know that blaming myself can not change the past. Someday I will see you again and I want to give you a big hug. My memories of growing up with you give me much. God be with you as He is with me. 


TORI OLSEN
FRIEND
October 15, 1999


I know you found the light you were looking for. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams!


dad April 1999
your eldest daughter
October 15, 1999


I post this more for those out there that see, and know that something is brewing in someone you know. Ten years of pretending nothing was wrong with this man by everyone who knew him led him to not only his death, but the death of his wife--both by his hand Please, save someone from themselves and the harm they may cause others because of their torment.


Toni Gorsuch
Left Behind
October 14, 1999


I understand, sunshine face.



 

teresa
October 11, 1999


i looked into your casket and saw myself oh how i yearn to be in your place. that day may come for me and i will join you, this thing i cannot fight much longer. the peace i remember on your face,the pain in mine oh how i want to be with you. you were my cousin i never really knew but we shared so much if only we had known.it's been a year and i understand why you are gone and i hope others understand why i can't go on much longer


Noor Holmes
His Mother
October 11, 1999


On September the 20th I returned home to find Noor dead. I had gone to doctors with him and he exspressed his deep despair and paranoia I visited various agencies and each time he was sent away. I feel anger at myself for not doing more and at those who did not listen. He was only 18 years old. I would plead for all those who notice changes in their teenagers to insist those who should help them,and not be fobbed off as I was. Noor was 18 years old he everything to live for. All those young people who are considering this act talk to anyone keep on telling them.Don't give up nothing is worth taking your life for.I know I cannot turn back the hands of time but suddenly since he has gone they seem to turn slowly and each day is agony.He was worth more than this. 


Jack D Reid
Robin Lewandowski
October 08, 1999


Last year, my brother committed suicide. Although it has been more than a year, I cannot get over his death. I know that time is supposed to heal all wounds, but how long does it take? It seems to get worse instead of better. I miss my brother.


Paul Eugene Kirby
Shannon Kirby
October 08, 1999


Paul was my uncle who commited suicide about 4 years ago.. I miss him very much and if you could post him on the suicide wall I would greatly appreciate it Thanks


Roger
Laura
October 05, 1999


For Roger, who didn't yet know that life could be more than pain. We loved you, even those who you thought had forgotten you. I will miss your humor, your brightness and your grace. Also for Sonny & Christie, who blame themselves but should not. Sometimes, all the love in the world cannot prevent sadness.


Dear Old Dad
Switch
September 30, 1999


I was a gift that heaven sent for you to love one day A gift I know you cherished as you led me in His way But now that I am older, and a little wiser, too I know the gift that Heaven sent to me was really you


Darius Walker
Jere Baldwin (Janus)
September 28, 1999


Hello Darius, Though I entered your circle of friends just after you left, I have heard the fond memories and joy of my life long friends discussing you. Having inherited a few items you owned, and viewed the wonderful artwork you created, I feel I too have a bond with you. It was as if I knew you too. To this day, when talk turns to you, I sit and feel as if I too knew you. We all agree on one point. we wish you were here. I was denied a great friend by your leaving, but count you as one none the less. When ever I veiw your art, i think how I would have liked to have asked you about techniche and meaning. That was a wonder of you. Even now, your work inspires such thoughts. On Behalf of Your Family, Charley, Charlie, Rick, Mike, Shirley, and myself and my famliy, we wish you all the best there, And for you to know, you are remebered fondly and sorely missed. Your near friend, and spiritual friend............Jere 


William O. Shumate
Ellen Shumate
September 28, 1999


It took me a long time, but I understand now why you had to do what you did. I hope you are in a better place now.


Suicide
Jim
September 19, 1999


Oh Troubled one ! God loves you, and wants you to love him too. He made you, and he has power over all things. God can make the difference you just got to believe it in your heart, and you will find him there. "I wanted God to take away my troubles so that I could worship him well, He didn't answer me!. But I didn't know then if I worshipped him truely he'd take away my troubles." This I pass on to you. God loves you.


michael brandon cool
amanda
September 13, 1999


through all the years you stood by me through all the tears i couldnt see. you gave me faith to believe, i'm everything i am because you loved me


All of you gone
Marty
September 06, 1999


Wherever you are right now, please plead for those of us that are suffering and will have to suffer of depression; it is hard and life is difficult to live; there is no sense in living and we need a higher help.



 

Richard J. Mantell
Dee Dottore
August 30, 1999


It never helps, it only hurts those who are left behind . . . the questions, the guilt, the anger. If you love ANYONE, live for them. 


Ibrahim"EBO"Johnson
Tara,thicker than blood,&closer than luv
August 28, 1999


life without tradegy wouldn't be life,a time will come when we experience pain & strife.Unexpected at times evident at others.Some choose to let it out,but you kept it undercover.No matter what what I'll keep praying to the heavens above,because through God im able to show my true feelings of love.Phisically you've moved on,but spiritually were never far apart.love is never lost because we both loved from the heart.Perplexed in the reasoning why would you leave me behind I know the ultimate choice wasn't yours. God thought it was time.Angry at God I lost my faith,Confused and consumed with anger and hate.Then I realized that you needed a final resting place.I always thought it was something I did or did not do that contributed to the pain that manifested in you.I've come to learn that your mind was made.A whisper from above saying,"it's the best way.""Because now I will always be in your heart& watching down on you every minute of the day." I will always love you EBO. RIP 7-7-97.


Michael D. Foster
Jenny Brady
August 23, 1999


Dad, you left us 25 years ago. We have thought of you often and wished you could have been around to meet our families. You thought you weren't wanted, and that we would be better off without you. Your death has been a loss that continues through my children; the grandfather they never knew. I wish they would have had the opportunity to know what a loving man you were, to know how it felt when you hugged us, when you played your accordian to amuse us. I deeply wish you could have stayed. Love, your daughter Jenny


Glenn W. Hopson, 1/24/45 to 10/31/76
Barbara Hopson, his sis who loves him
August 23, 1999


Big brother, how I wish I knew then... I was finally diagnosed with bipolar at age 42, and then I began to understand what plagues us both. Your daughter Shelly has 3 kiddos now. The girls, Taylor and Jayli, are 7 and 6, and little Tanner-man is 4. You would be such a super grandpa to them! I see them as often as I can, and imagine you looking at them through my eyes, and what you might be saying to them. You would be so proud of Shelly, and your son-in-law Pete would be a great friend to you. Jason's a real success story in the computer-field, you would be so proud of him. I see your smile on him, and his pride and stubbornness he must have got from you, too! I learned something so valuable from you, from finding your body, and cleaning your apartment out. Never, no matter how much I've wanted to, will I kill myself. I am humble, I don't care how many people think I'm "crazy", I head straight for that hospital and check myself in. As many times as it takes. And, even when my illness tells me my son Chris would be better off without me, I don't believe it. Because I see how Shelly and Jason are forever scarred, and, different, from losing their Dad. Glenn, I'm so sorry. I wish I would have been more patient with you. I wish there'd been more help for you. I wish you could have hung on for just another day. You taught me that I really do want to live, such a gift you gave me. I miss you so much. Chris could really use his Uncle Glenn's loving attention. I love you. May you have eternal peace and joy, big brother, you truly earned it.


Kevin IWantToDie
Beth
August 20, 1999


I didn't know him long but what I did find out about him is that he was a very caring person. He will be missed.


Yanick Breton
Marie-Dominique Rouleau
August 19, 1999


Our 28 year old friend was the sunshine of our self-help group, always smiling.We will remember him.


A man who deeply loved his wife & kids
Rickey Lefort
August 18, 1999


This is for my daughter and son. They may never read it for they do not research bi-polar disorder. I plan to take this journey away from the pain and suffering, How I wish it could be different. How I wish I had the strength to endure. For I know they may grow to despise me for leaving them. The suffering is agonizing at times and this is the only way that I know I will find peace. May the Lord forgive me for what I will soon do.


Terrie J. Davis
Loving Sisters
August 18, 1999


Gone but never forgotten, we love and miss you.


A dear friend
Traute Klein
August 13, 1999


He had his problems, whether they were mental of emotional, I am not sure. We got along well. He used to stop by my garden and we would chat. He loved his family and they loved him. In Manitoba, however, the Mental Health Act stipulates that the state knows best, and the family has no rights to determine the fate of mentally incompetent people. He was therefore snatched from his family and forced to live in a group home. That was too much for this dear friend to bear. He had talked to me about his fears many times before this terrible event happened. We were not able to help him against the mighty hand of Child and Family Services. When he could not accept the separation from his family, he chose to hang himself from one of our favorite spots, a wooden footbridge over the Seine River which runs through our community, just a block from my house. Don't worry, my friend, God understands that you could no longer live in this cruel world. You are home with Jesus now, and I will see you when I get there. I remember you every time I cross that favorite spot of ours, that beautiful bridge. I have only good memories of you and look forward to seeing you again.


John M. Fowler
His Sister
August 12, 1999


Even now...I am speechless, but in your presence I always was. Only god can know how much I miss you, and how sorry I am that you were never understood.


Noni "Mouse" Blue
Angela O'Brady
August 08, 1999


Noni, you always were such a good friend. I didn't know until after your funeral that you had commited suicide. I should have asked you more insistently what was wrong, until I got a better answer than "Nothing." You were an angel, Mouse. Everyone around you knew that, whether you were happy, or a bit down. An angel on earth, now an angel in heaven. Watch over me, please, Mouse, and perhaps we can grow closer now. Noni Summer "Mouse" Blue, born February 14, 1982, died Febrary 21, 1999. Thank you, God, for letting Noni touch my life.


Glen Anderson
Sue Galde-Sleeman
August 08, 1999


You touched so many lives while you were here...and you are still touching many in other ways. I wish we as friends and family could have, or would have, known more about your disease of Bipolar. In hindsight I wish I could have helped you more, and you would still be here...but in reality, your taking of your life may help others in a way not thought of. Back then I didn't know much about Bipolar. Now I know more because of you. I understand that I couldn't have done anything to change your mind or to stop you, nor the minds of those afflicted with it now. But, I understand so much more and I know if nothing else, I can help those that are left behind with grief, sorrow, and so many "why's?". Yours was such a "frantic" life and everything was such a life and death decision. I wish you would have chosen life. You are missed by many, and in many thoughts.


JENNIFER LYNN OVERTURF
AUNT CYNDY
August 07, 1999


We miss you and wish we would have recognized your disease sooner. Thank you for coming to visit before your planned death.


Albert Lee Doolan-My Father
Gwendolyn Doolan-Cuzzort
August 04, 1999


You never came around untill I was 13 and took your life when I was barely 17 so I didnt have much time to get to know you but you were my father and I loved you very much.You were a stern man but with a great sense of humor and everyone loved to be around you.You had so many friends but yet you thought no one liked you.Looking back and knowing now about BiPolar from having it myself I realize the pain you were in.For years after you took yourself away from me I was very angry at you and felt totally abandonded and betrayed.All I could think was how could you come into my life just to take yourself out of it again.I had no idea what demons you were dealing with and the pain you felt.I know now also that you were an alcoholic and that didnt help.I felt so close to you in the 4 short years I knew you and were so proud to have such a cool funny dad.We butted heads alot because my mom said we were so much alike and I probably didnt tell you as much as I shouldve that I love you and were so glad you were my Daddy.You didnt get to see me marry or have my babies or see the way they have your eyes.Its been 21 years yet I still miss you so much and can see your smile and the way your eyes sparkled when you were happy.I miss you Daddy and love you,I understand now and dont blame you anymore or feel abandonded.I just wish at the time I couldve been there for you in the way you needed me to.I hope I didnt let you down as a daughter.I think your up there with GOd now though and can see your beautiful grandkids and hopefully know how much I love and miss you.Your other daughter Alyson was only 2 when you left this world so she didnt remember you but Ive given her pictures of you and told her as much about you as I can remember and although her stepdad adopted her she knows who her father was and how much you loved her.Ill never let her forget you either daddy.At least now your at peace daddy and that demon of alcohol doesnt control you anymore.Ill love you forever daddy and I tell your grandkids about you.Go with God daddy. Albert Lee Doolan B:12/17/1940 D:10/1/1978 Love your daughter, Gwen aka The Brat(as you used to affectionately call me,I havent forgot :) )


Gene
"Lightfoot"
August 04, 1999


Well Gene it has been about 6 yrs since you took your life. I still remember the day because you woke me up and I wasn't very willing to talk that day. I often wonder if things would have turned out different that day had I just took the time to talk with you. If so I am sorry that I failed you as a friend. I wish I could turn back time and change things but I cannot so I just hope that you are at peace now.


Troy Nicholas Comer
Carol Johnson-Comer
August 03, 1999


It's been 12 long and lonely years since you took you life. I don't know what you were thinking that day, but it sure left us all devestated. Our lives will never be the same. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and tears will fill my eyes. I've cried a thousand oceans over you. I use to cringe every time you and Wayne got into a fight, but I guess all brothers fought like you too. The day you died, a part of him died too. He will never forget you, and loves you dearly. He has a beautiful little girl who will be five in November and she has your strawberry birthmark at the base of her neck. You would love her. As for Dwayne, he has'nt been the same since went. You were his idle and he worships you so much. You never got a chance to meet your older sister, Heather and if you did, you would love her and she has a lovely 13 year old son, Royal. As for me, I will never be the same. I always wanted to go with you, but I understand now that you were'nt made to walk this earth. Till we meet again, rest in peace and be free from all pain and sorrow. Love Always MOM


Louann Shaw
Denise Schilling
August 02, 1999


It has been almost ten years since you took your life. You are special to me and I remember you every day. It still seems hard to believe you have gone and I don't really think you intended to do what you did. Rest in peace. You are loved always.


Jeremy Hermanson, b.1-25-78, d.11-30-98
Denise Schilling
August 02, 1999


My loving nephew. How I miss your smile, your passions, your presence. How we all love you. Every day we think of you and wish we could've done better for you. It pains me to think of the suffering you endured during your short life and how sad it must have been for you at the end. I know you are not suffering anymore and that is my consolation. You are not forgotten.


DONNIE
SISSIE
July 26, 1999


MY HEART IS STILL SO BROKEN I'LL MISS YOU BROTHER ALWAYS. YOU WERE ALWAYS IN MOM'S HEART NOW SHE'S WITH YOU LOOK AFTER HER FOR ME. LOVE FOR EVER SISSIE


AUBREY PAUL MORRIS
MELBA HEWITT
July 25, 1999


FROM OUTLAW TO ANGEL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE GONE HOME TO JESUS NO MORE TEARS TO CRY 1962 TO 1995


todd crook
linda crook
July 23, 1999


you will always be loved and are missed terribly.


jimmy
lorie
July 17, 1999


to jimmy from your friend lorie In june of 1989 you took your own life.You left alot behind especially friends who cared about you.You were very talented and had so much to look forward to.You were only 18.I remember the last time I saw you it had been the first time in quit a while and we had a slow dance I'll never forget that night and thats how I'll always remember you!!! You were a sweet and kind person who could be funny when you wanted to be.When I found out you were gone I was very upset but then I got angry because I thought you had so much to look forward to.But now I understand more and know how unhappy you were here.I just hope you are finally at peace.May God bless you and take care of you! love lorie 


Lisa Herricks
Jeni Mitchell
July 15, 1999


Lisa, it has been several years since you left us all. I still think of the times we sat and just talked. Thank you for all you taught me about life. I am still fighting my battles because of you. I miss you dearly and will always cherish the time we had. May God Bless everyone who reads this and know that your fight doesn't have to end. I have been fighting for 11 years and I am only 25 y/o. I have alot of fighting left in me too. Peace... Jeni :)



 

Bobbi - their sister-in-law removed
July 07, 1999

Johnny Wayne Isham 1955 - 1995, His family didn't understand him. His parents both deceased.
His oldest brother put him down and called him lazy. No one understood his illness and even he
couldn't accept it. I understand what he was going through. I understand why he left this world the
way he did. It is hard enough to get through life without added illnesses and even harder when your
family and friends don't understand and put you down when you need love and support the most.
Billy Ray Isham 1961 - 1996 Just one year after his brother's death, Billy took his own life. Even
more severely affected by mental illness, and, in and out of hospitals for several years; Billy was also
misunderstood by his family -oldest brother and 2 sisters. After his mother passed away, Billy was
terribly alone. Things got worse. He was told to buck up and get a job. His oldest brother doesn't
believe in mental illness. No one took it seriously. They accused him of being lazy. He was not lazy.
The few years he was able to work, he was a very hard worker. He was praised by his bosses. But
without love and understanding and support from your family, it is very difficult to find the means to
go on. So, if you have a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, Please take time to find out
more about their particular illness and most of all; LOVE them and SUPPORT them and encourage
them to go on. Go with them to family support groups and counseling. Be there for them.
 



Kelly Ray Fogarty
Lenita
July 07, 1999

Words cannot express the feelings we go through at the loss of a loved one to suicide. Kelly is my
little brother. During his final days I was battling my own private beast (alcoholism/bi-polar disorder).
I felt so guilty that I wasn't there for him. But can anyone really stop what some- one wants to do?
Today I am confident in the fact that my brother is finally at peace and with the God of my
understand ing. I hope to overcome these beast, knowing that it will always be a struggle. I have so
much support, that he couldn't or didn't know how to get. I will always love and miss him, but hope
to join him in Gods time. I love you Kelly, your big sister.
 



Michael Blaha
Amy Petrik
July 02, 1999

I met Michael in high school in the early 80's. He briefly dated one of my best friends. He seemed
"together"...I really didn't know about his inner demons or thoughts, yet obviously something didn't
click with him and his inner peace. One day in college, I got a call from the friend who dated him.
She told me he committed suicide. He was like 20. It was hard mourning someone you only knew as
"the guy Stacy made out with."....but yet, everytime when I go visit my wonderful Grandma Tillie's
grave, I walk over to Michael's and say a little prayer for him. Perhaps all he needed was guidance
or a good friend. I don't know. That was many years ago and I still think about what made him feel
so horrible that no one or not even a drug like xanax or something could make him feel better. All I
know is, when I drive by the cemetery almost on a daily basis....I smile to my grandma's grave and
look over to the left and see Michael's.
 



Frederic A. Gladue
Donna King
June 25, 1999

Words can never say what my heart feels for the loss of you I love and miss you dearly, my brother,
Freddy!


michael capalbo
sister- connie
June 25, 1999

May you rest in peace now after twenty-years of drug abuse to your body. I know how you suffered
all this time and I will always love you Micheal! God rest your soul in peace with Mom and DaD.
Love your lillte sister, Connie


Karly Long
Kim Long
June 23, 1999

In loving memory of my wonderful sister Karly March 16 1970-May 15 1999. She was a tortured
soul. We hope and pray that you are now at peace. All our love your family.


George Derringer
Regn Hawk, daughter
June 23, 1999

To a wonderful, loving Dad who was always there for me. I wish I could have been there for you. I
tried to be, I guess I couldn't admit to myself or didn't want to how bad things really were for you. It
scared me too much and for that I am sorry. You may have seen worry in my eyes but, I hope you
also saw or now see how damn proud I always was and still am to have such a great dad like you. I
sure miss you as does everone else. Especially, your Grandson who still speaks often of you. I wish
you could see your newest grandaughter, she would have loved you. Love you Dad. Regan


John Williamson Spurr
his daughter, Jessica
June 23, 1999

June 9, 1999. Today is the anniversary of my father's death. I am not taking it well this year. The
father's day cards, commercials and such are really bothering me, and I would love for him to be
here for it and other days as well. My dad was NOT a great dad to me until he and I got older. He
was abusive to me but he was also an alcoholic, a mean one at that. When I was about 18, he
sobered up and became an AA addict. He lived for his meetings, but also learned to listen to me
then too. He started to talk to me and help me. It was still not great between us and he knew it as
well as me, as I had such a memory of the past and would still run when he raised his voice as I was
sure the fist would follow next. In the winter of his 49th year, he woke up to sores in his mouth and
went to the docs where he found out he had leukemia known in laymans terms as Old Man's
leukemia. They figured that he had it for 3 years undiagnosed...my dad hated doctors. I slowly
watched my dad disappear before my eyes. He became a shell of the man I knew. He looked like
an old man at 51. People thought he was in his 70's. I still remember taking a picture of him 2
months before he died. He was all bones. His one goal was to see my son born and he did that. He
committed suicide today in 1991. Some may say that lots of time has passed since then and I should
be over most of it but some years it is easy and others not. this is one of them. I can see my father, if
he was alive, spending lots of time with Mat. He would take him to construction sites and let him ride
on cranes and cement trucks and things like that. Give him his first hard hat like he did me. My dad
was an estimator but loved to go out in the field. He would have taken Mathieu to ball games and
kept him up late to watch basketball like he did with me. He would have taught him how to do "guy
things" like shave (my dad taught me at 3 ), tie a tie (which I still cannot do) and how to be a great
friend to others. That last one was not obvious to me until his memorial service where there was
standing room only. There was not a dry eye there either. He touched many people's lives. How
many I never knew. I miss you dad and wish I could tell you that and get one of your bear hugs
today. In loving memory of John Williamson Spurr, may you know where ever you are out there
your daughter still loves you. Jessi



 

Donna Creery
Shirley Cauthorn
June 23, 1999

Donna, a friend of mine, she was a mother of 3 children, in her 30's left a 3 month baby boy, and
two other sons.


Luanne M Robles
FREEDOMSUE
June 23, 1999

It may have been 16 years since the Bipolar beast took you away from me, but I will never forget
you mom for as long as I live. Now I too have the beast at my door, threatening me as it did you, but
don't worry mom. I will beat that beast for both of us. LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER



 

My mother, Rose
dby
June 23, 1999

She only wanted to receive as much love as she had given.


Jeffery William Davies
colleen
June 23, 1999

1957-1994: At the age of 37 years. "As time goes on without him, as the days turn in to years, they
hold a million memories and a thousand silent tears"... In memory of Jeff, a loved friend and
companion, died by suicide, claimed by Bipolar Affective Disorder. On that day the world lost a
wonderful man. Sadly missed and never forgotten. Colleen



 

 
 
 
 
 
 

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